Each June, about 250,000 couples walk down the aisle. While the bride and groom are floating on cloud nine, the mother-of-the-bride may be silently seething. What brides envisioned as a fairy tale wedding can instead become a nightmare fraught with conflict, as mothers express their disapproval of their daughter's future spouse.
This situation is a common problem, said Diane Sanford, a psychologist, relationship expert and author of the blog, Livingselfcare.com. She said some mothers object so strongly that they don't participate in planning or attending the wedding. Many mothers say they want what is best for their daughters. But in their mind that means marrying a financially stable man so their daughters wouldn't have to worry about economic security. But while women of a generation ago often prized a husband's future breadwinning potential, financially self-sufficient women today may prefer a man who is supportive of her career choice, and is willing to share in domestic responsibilities, like washing the dishes and carpooling the kids.
A wedding is such a defining moment that friction during this time can create and intensify long-term problems in the relationship. So how can daughters get their mothers on board to support this major life choice?
Understand the motivation for mom's remarks. Often, a mother's concern comes from hoping for the ideal life for her daughter, and not repeating her mistakes. But that often is interpreted as criticism. It's helpful to understand what underlies a mother's concern. For example, I talked to one mother who was upset that her daughter married a man who doesn't earn enough money, and was concerned that her daughter must work to supplement the family income. This mother ended up leaving her abusive husband after 25 years of marriage, and was forced into a job as a maid to make ends meet. Her daughter says her husband is "kindhearted, loving and caring" and faults her mother for judging men only on their earning potential. This daughter could ask her mother why she feels compelled to constantly criticize her husband. That may pave the way for her mother sharing the difficulties that she had as a young working mother, and her wish that her daughter avoid that fate. Her daughter could then reassure her mother that she is in a far happier relationship, one where she and her husband share equally in both work responsibilities and household tasks, and that she values the ability to contribute to the family's income.
Flatter your mom. Tell her that she raised you well, so that you're capable of making good choices. Let her know how much you appreciate her providing you with the tools to become self-reliant and strong, and that, thanks to her, you have the personal qualities and survival skills needed to managing whatever life throws your way.
Celebrate your differences. Many mothers hope their daughter will grow up to be just like them. When they make different choices, it can feel like a rejection to the mother. Explain to your mother that just because you're choosing a different mate than she would have selected, it doesn't mean you have less respect for her. Make sure she understands that you're a separate individual, with different preferences.
Deflate criticism. Mothers may not realize the impact of their words. It's important for you to let your mom know how hurtful her comments can be. Take your mother aside, at a time when you're not in the midst of a fight, and thank her for her concerns. Then let her know that, while you understand she may want someone different for you, you're very happy with your choice of a spouse. Tell her you crave her understanding, support and encouragement for the choice that you're making. Your ability to communicate your thoughts in an assertive, yet non-combative way, will set the stage for a far more harmonious, and adult relationship in the future.
Be sympathetic. This time of life can be especially emotional for moms, when they often feel like they're losing a daughter, not gaining a son. So cut mom some slack. A few words of encouragement, and assurance that she'll always be an important person in your life, could go a long way to making her a happy member of the wedding party on your big day.