I always thought I would have kids. My husband and I planned to eventually start a family, but at the age of 36 I discovered my husband was a closeted homosexual. My marriage immediately ended and I entered the dating pool past my prime reproductive years. I knew it would eventually take time to have a healthy relationship again, and I definitely felt like my biological clock wasn't just ticking but banging loudly like Quasimodo's bells throughout my entire body.
Because I am over 35, some men view me as a lousy match if they want to have kids. I didn't think it would be this bad, but in my age range I tend to find hook-up artists who never want to settle down, men messed up from a break-up or divorce, extremely socially awkward men with no dating experience and the men I refer to as wife shoppers. A wife shopper is usually the following:
Wife shoppers are men searching for the future mother of their children. They make no bones about wanting to start a family, and many won't consider women over the age of 35. Women do lose reproductive capacity after 35, and in health terms pregnancies in older mothers are deemed higher risk. Yet none of my extended or immediate family members have had to use any extraordinary means to get pregnant. In fact, most got pregnant almost too easily; my aunt and my grandmother both had babies in their forties. So do I have to print out my medical history and that of my extended family and bring it on dates? Should I put it on my online dating profiles? Something tells me that bringing up fertility on a first date would cause most men to bolt.
I have discovered most wife shoppers through online dating websites. Something about online sites just make it too easy for them. Men can sort of pick the traits they prefer: height, build, eye color, hair color, age, and if a woman wants children. On dates, a wife shopper will bring up reproducing almost before they have ordered their first drink. One of the habits I have noticed is something I call baby momma math. My date will look at me, ask me my age again, and then I watch them adding up how long we would have to date before trying to start a family, and they aren't exactly subtle about it. I have also gotten questions right off the bat such as:
I don't remember this ever happening to me when I was in my twenties. Maybe it's something about the personality traits of any man who waits until they are at the peak of their career before getting married and having kids. In their mind they have a checklist and once they have done everything else they want to accomplish in life they move on to starting a family.
Having my marriage end the way it did has given me major trust issues to begin with, so the idea of running down the aisle with a man hell-bent on becoming a father is terrifying. Divorce is hell on earth and the thought of having another divorce -- only the second time with children -- is especially nightmarish. Rushing into a situation in order to have children with a partner I barely know seems like a recipe for another divorce.
Of course, women have been doing this sort of thing for ages. It is almost a cliché -- the single woman over a certain age talking about eggs, biological clocks and running out of time. When I meet a wife shopper, at first I think it is a good sign because at least this man isn't like the multitudes who just seem to want to get laid and nothing else. But then I start to feel like little more than a womb.
Keeping a healthy marriage together, especially one with children, is extremely difficult. The union between the two adult partners should be the most important thing -- communication, lifestyles, goals, and temperaments must work in harmony before the added stress and pressures of children are added to the mix. I have accepted that having a biological child may not happen for me, as I would rather not bring children into a haphazard marriage situation. I just wish I could find something in between the hook-up artists and the men who think nothing of ordering up a wife they way they would a sandwich.
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Delaine Moore: "I Don't Need A Man"? Please!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bisexuality
No one ever said life was easy. Just be thankful you haven't just been given a diagnosis of stage 4 metastatic breast cancer or given birth to a child with autism. Aside from some world changing products, Steve Jobs gave all of us some pretty poignant and valuable lessons about life reminding us to always try to put things in proper perspective. Maybe your ex never intended to "waste your only opportunity to have children". Like you and I, we're all flawed to one extent or another. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and seize the remainder of your life with gusto.
A - Who decided that having children is the be all and end all of a happy life? It's a choice people don't have to make to be fulfilled.
But..
B - If you do have some need to have children, you don't need a husband to have them.
It sounds to me as if you expected your life to be some kind of fairy tale. Grow up.
We're bored with being told to not want what we are MADE to want in the heart-center of our DNA.
!? Now That is a recipe for disaster. Children need both mothers And fathers. I am a women (and mother of 4) and yes, it is possible to have children from a sperm bank/sperm donation...but whether that is in the best interest of any future children is highly doubtful. Anyone who thinks that fathers are not an integral part of a child's development and upbringing probably came from a dysunctional background. On top of which the author never said children were needed to "fulfill her" but that she simply wanted to have some. Hardly a novel idea. The basis for humanity is predicated on people (shock!) having kids. It seems to me as if you are bitter and angry with past decisions - don't put your baggage on others. Grow up.
I think the problem really is that young women are made to feel like they own the world, but that only lasts for about 15% of your life.
If we just want to have a good time, we're superficial Peter Pans. If we want to get married, have children and be very careful about whom we make that immense decision with, we're.... wife shoppers.
I'm sure it's not pleasant for some women past certain ages. But first of all it's not like women past 35 never find mates. More to the point, though, whomever these men do finally marry will probably be quite happy to know they took the whole process so seriously going into it. Whatever age the wives turn out to be.
Kids? Really? You have absolutely no clue as to how much work, compromise and selflessness it takes. There is no manual or ability to return to the store.
Ifyounfind your soulmate, at 19 or at 70...do not miss the chance...there is no perfect time. But be prepared for the hard work it takes to succeed..oh, btw...25 years with an angel and 2 children..the rewarding thing in my life
I realize that if I don't have a child in the next 5 years, it's basically all over, but I'll be darned if I'm going to reduce the social ritual of pair bonding to a 'wife interview'. That said, I do badly want to be a father. I would've married my high school/college sweetheart or my long term gf in my 20s, it just didn't work out. It has nothing to do with 'personality traits, etc. I lost my mom when I was a young adolescent and it retarded my emotional growth to a significant degree. It took me a while to work through my issues. I did, and I'm a better human being for it; whether I ever get a chance to marry and have a family or not.
If you don't believe in God, then at least keep an optimistic outlook; no one likes a sad soul out looking, and keep an open mind about God. Everyone loves a cheerful smile and a hopeful attitude. Don't make looking for a partner the be-all and end-all of your life. Keep going; work; donate your time to good causes; read; watch old movies (not the new ones that are more discouraging than anything); walk a lot; nurture friendships; keep busy. Life is too short to spend it looking for an impossible (or unlikely) dream. My enjoyment after my husband died came in the form of reopening our bed and breakfast and the fun interacting with the people who stayed with me.
"Life is so full of a number of things, that I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings."
I have found that if you don't put people into categories and give them a chance on their own, there are quality people there that maybe don't 'get' online dating or can't express themselves well in writing. How you choose to categorize them is more about you than them.
I met a girl with no pic and whose english was so bad that I nearly reported her as a dating site scammer, but I thought I'd toy with 'the scammer' instead. In broken english she asked where she could send her pics, I gave her an FBI address. Two days later she wrote and asked if I liked them. I realized she just might be real and I felt like a tool so I gave her my real email. Turns out she was a beautiful, happy and socially prominent French born woman who just didn't write well in English. We dated for 7 months and are still close friends.
I tend to avoid online dating anymore though because the hurdles of doubt are sometimes just too much work to overcome, there is a guilt by association online. I understand there are a lot of creeps or whatever out there but when you have to work to prove you are 'normal' it just takes the fun and expectation out of meeting people.