THE BLOG

Denying Access to Whom? For What Purpose?

02/10/2015 02:47 pm ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016

Let's see, the most common crimes in Florida are drug offenses, theft, assault, driving under the influence and aggravated assault.

And HB583 will address those crimes... how?

Frank Artiles, a Republican (surprise, surprise) member of the Florida House of Representatives and self-described Christian (more suprise) has introduced the bill on Wednesday. A committee assignment is pending.

If the bill becomes law, people would be required to use bathrooms and other public facilities designated according to the gender they were assigned at birth. A person caught using the "wrong" facilities would face charges.

Artiles claims his bill is a "public safety measure." He added -- here's something Bartlett should include -- "I truly believe your anatomy dictates where you should go to the bathroom."

Hmm... Now I'm confused. Perhaps you could clarify, Mr. Artiles. The "M" box was checked on my birth certificate. But now I have a vagina and clitoris. And I've grown a pair, such as they are. So, my anatomy says...

Oh, here's another complicating factor: My birth certificate now says that I'm female. It was changed, after my surgery, to reflect my gender and new name. In what Godless liberal hellhole was that allowed to happen?

Well, I'll give you a hint: It's north of Florida. No surprise there, right? It is such a bastion of European-style libertinism and fiscal irresponsibility that it named one of its major university cities Athens and another fairly large city is called Rome.

It sounds like a terrible place, doesn't it, to an upright Christian man like you. I'm sure you don't want to do business there or expose your family to its terrors. I'm sure that a man with your virtue, erudition and wisdom can guess what that place is.

New York, where I live? Nope. Massachusetts? Try again. OK, I'll tell you: the State of Georgia, where I was born. Somehow the folks in the Peachtree State's Department of Vital Records had no problem realizing that I am, in fact, female.

So, Mr. Artiles, perhaps you could tell us how your proposed law will be enforced. Will we have to present our birth certificates to enter public facilities? Will there be security cameras that can see through clothing, like the ones airports have?

Acrually, Mr. Legislator, I hope that you aren't thinking about those cameras. After all, you aren't a good Christian man? Then why would you want to see me in all of my nakedness?

Mr. Artiles, perhaps you should reconsider HR583. Perhaps you can explain to us just how it will protect your wife, your mother, your daughters and all other female residents of the Sunshine State -- including my mother -- from attack by sexual predators? And, when I go out to have lunch with Mom, do you think I'm going to the restaurant's facilities to peep under the dresses of retirees or molest their granddaughters? Do you really believe I'm even capable of the latter?

Mr. Artiles, perhaps you can clarify.