8 Steps To Cooling Down Your Anger

Slamming down the phone, yelling at coworkers, giving the computer (or copier) a good whack, shouting profanities, and throwing papers in frustration - psychologists may call this counterproductive behavior, but in more down-home terms it's known as desk rage.

Regardless of what name it is called, one thing seems clear: worldwide, workplace outbursts of anger are on the rise. One survey of 1500 workers by by Christine Pearson at UNC-Chapel Hill found that 12 percent of those surveyed had quit a job at some point to avoid nasty people at work and 45 percent were thinking about doing so. Moreover, more than half of those interviewed reported losing time at work worrying about other people's rude behavior toward them.

But what if you're the one who tends to blow your top, lose your cool and in general become one ball of red heat to deal with. The experts say that even when your anger is justified, either suppressing it or expressing it in a destructive way is harmful.

So the next time you feel your internal temperature begin to rise, try the eight steps outlined below to calm yourself back down.

Step #1: Take a few deep breaths and count to ten.

Step #2: Ask yourself: What are you feeling? What emotions are you are experiencing? Explore beyond the tip of the emotional iceberg - what are you feeling underneath?

Step #3: Ask yourself: What is it about this situation - specifically - that is making you feel angry? What are the circumstances?

Step #4: Ask yourself: What are you telling yourself about this person or situation? What trigger thoughts are you having?

Step #5: Spend thirty seconds thinking of a less personal/more positive reason why the person may be acting this way (or why this situation is the way it is).

Step #6: Substitute your crazy-making thoughts for calming ones. We asked our clients to tell us what calming thoughts they have found particularly useful in dealing with anger on the job. The answers we heard the most often included:

"This will pass."
"Take this one step at a time."
"I am not going to be the victim of these circumstances."
"I am angry and I can take care of this."
"Focus on what I have to get done and do it."
"Where is the humor in this situation?"

Step #7: Ask yourself: What outcome are you looking for? What do you want to have happen (or have stop happening) in the situation?

Step #8: Ask yourself: What actions can you take to achieve your objective?
Use problem-solving methods such as communication, negotiation, leverage, etc.

Tune in next week when I will cover the other side of the coin - how to deal with the other person's desk rage.

Please note that this article is copyrighted by Karen Leland. If you would like to reprint any or all of it on your blog or website for non-commercial purposes, you are welcome to do so, provided you give credit and a live link back to this post.

Karen Leland is author of Watercooler Wisdom: How Smart People Prosper in the Face of Conflict, Pressure and Change. Read more at her blog As Soon As I Finish Carving The Ice Sculpture - True Confessions of an Overachiever

Follow Karen Leland on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Karenleland

Comments

[TomZart]

SHE WHO FANS THE COALS of HATE


An angry womman opens her mouth
And shuts her mind to reason.
She who stays slow to anger
Is loved by more each season.

Anger snuffs the lamp of thought
And it's hard to stay serene.
Where anger rules hatred thrives
Then the world we love turns mean.

She who fans the coals of hate
Has no reason to complain.
If some hot sparks scorch her face
Her anguish is thus her pain.

Anger is a human madness
Which consumes the heart and mind.
She who rules his spirit with love
Shall be praised by all mankind.


By Conservative Poet
Tom Zart
Most Published Poet
On The Web

[skippyB]

Thank you for sharing your ode to Sara Palin, the most published Death Panel originator on the planet.

[dirtyice]

Air time is rear time.

[SangZe]

Anger works. It's destroying any chance of serious health care reform.

[Shirley Fisk]

8/19/09
4:40pm
Sunny Isles Beach, Fl

How about:

Just because this person is being obnoxious doesn't mean I have to respond.

[HPotamus]

Thank you for this post.

[1sparrow]

it started in 2003. joining buddhism opened my consciousness to other people. even in 2007 when i left buddhism, the consciousness remains... only now my life is threatened and in addition, i am the part of the middle class that is being wiped out. but i will never suffer road rage like i used to.

[tapeatsbill]

My name is Bill and I'm a desk rage aholic. Well I used to be. I quit my high pressure, no control sales job. There was very nice financial rewards but for me, no intrinsic enjoyment rewards. I actually had a boss, EVP of this bank, who challenged me to go to the parking lot and fight. No wonder I would curse and slam and throw files.

Meditation and more meditation helped me banish all anger from my life. That and removing myself from what, for me, was a toxic career path.

My recommendation is to meditate for 20 minutes every morning at the start of your waking day. That and to do what you like to do in your work and your play.

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves."
Mary Oliver

Thanks for the good post,

Bill

[wm1066]

I mentally currycomb horses in my mind. I see my emotions as out of control horses and I work on calmng them down, I really like horses, and I respect their power. So this works for me. Plus, I have realized that if someone brings out strong emotions in me it can make me sick and I wont be able to deal with the problem at hand.

[CR46]

I am lucky enough to be fostering a few horses and I DO use time with them as my sanity :) Just thinking about getting to the stable is enough to calm me and make me fell serene

[Dr. Hendrie Weisinger - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi,
the most crucial step in managing anger is to develop "self awarenes" to your anger physical cues so you know "when" you are becoming angry. For some, it is breathing faster, others it is tension, and others it is increase in heart beats. You can than use these cues as an indicator that it is time to "slow down," breathing slower and this helps the individual in "appraising the situation realistica­lly." Much of anger is created by "cognitive distortions," such as magnifying the significance of a situation, destructively labeling others-he is a real jerk, and these thoughts promote anger. For more information and techniques on anger managment, check out Dr. Weisinger's Anger Workout Book. Also, anger is an escalating emotion so taking a time-out is also a smart strategy.

[khanti]

Very practical advice indeed especially on developing self awareness. Without this positive cultivation you will never overcome your habitual emotional response. The Buddha's teachings place greed, hatred and delusion as center of our existence. In all these form greed and hatred are just like and dislikes in its subtle forms. That is why when we perceive things we often discriminate our response to our like and dislikes. Anger, jealousy, spite etc. are dislikes while pleasure, food, sex etc. are likes. We fall into either states and are deluded. A drunk person declare he is not drunk and insist on driving while an angry person says he is not being angry.
"I am right," is often another delusive state.
To realize your are angry (self awareness) is the first remedy. Then you can start counting or whatever methods deem fit in order to calm yourself down because when you react you have already pump in hormones such as natural adrenalin into your blood stream and it take sometime for the organs to clear it that is why you cannot go back to instant calmness at once.
Check out my previous comments you may find something useful.

[FRobert]

#9 Stop watching town hall freaks.

[topkatnc]

You got that right...

[commonsenselives]

LOL, seriously. I feel like I'll bust a vein every time I hear "keep governments hands off my Medicare!"

[dirtyice]

Calmly Peacefully relieve your stress with another post.