How To Declutter Your Friendships

Elizabeth was the type of friend who was always inviting me out to lunch and then ambushing me with the delivery of her latest disappointments in our friendship and my performance in it.

The offending action was usually something seemingly insignificant (a misunderstood comment, a phone call un-returned) that had happened six or even nine months before.

Despite my sincere apologies, I eventually got tried of always wondering where (and when) the next hit was going to come from. Walking on eggshells, second-guessing every word I said and waiting for the other shoe to drop proved too stressful, so I simply started being too busy to get together. In time, we went our separate ways.

It wasn't until several years later when talking to a psychologist friend that I realized that if I had taken the time to de-clutter my relationship with Elizabeth, I might not have had to dump her.

If your relationships with your gal pals are in need of a little summer time spruce up, check out this expert advice on how to de-clutter your friendships, before a good girlfriend goes bad.

Set Limits. Your girlfriend is going through a tough divorce and needs support--emotional, spiritual and maybe even financial. "It's up to you to establish your limits, without feeling guilty," says Dr. Alyse Danis, a psychotherapist in private practice and an executive board member at the University of San Francisco. For example, your friend calls ten minutes before you have to leave for an important appointment. You can set your limits in a loving way by saying, "I'm just about to leave, so I can spend only a few minutes talking now, but I can call you back tonight when I get home for a longer chat."

Talk Sooner, Not Later. Long-term feelings of resentment and anger eat away at friendships. So unless you can genuinely let whatever happened go, bring it up as close to the time the problem occurred as possible. "Women have trouble saying how they really feel," says Dr. Mary Ann Bauman, M.D., author of Fight Fatigue: Six Simple Steps to Maximize Your Energy. "We develop our self-esteem from relationships and don't want to rock the boat." If you tell the truth about how you really feel and the other person gets upset, it's not the end of the world, advises Dr. Bauman.

Keep in Contact. In this too-much-to-do in too-little-time world the thing that often suffers the most is friendships. Real relationships require consistent contact to survive and thrive. While you may not be able to have a face to face every week, staying in touch is essential for good girlfriend housekeeping. Do a periodic check-in on email, call once a week or every few weeks, text message a quick "hi," send an occasional card, take a walk together, send photos and create a plan to get together--even if it's lunch a few months out.

Focus on Feelings, Not Facts. Randy Martin, an executive coach, says that too many women, when faced with an unhappy friend, focus on defending the facts of the situation instead of addressing their feelings. According to Martin, when a good girlfriend feels hurt by something you have said or done, start by saying, "I'm so sorry that I hurt your feelings; that is the last thing I would ever want to do." If a friend doesn't say anything, but you suspect that you have offended them, be proactive and reach out with a pre-emptive apology. Leave a voice mail, send a note card, or email your concern and regret.

Please note that the information in this article is copyrighted by Karen Leland. If you would like to reprint any of it on your blog or website you are welcome to do so, provided you give credit and a live link back to this posting.

Karen Leland is author of the recently released books Watercooler Wisdom: How Smart People Prosper In the Face of Conflict, Pressure and Change and Time Management In An Instant:60 Ways to Make the Most of Your Day. She is the co-creator of a new line of Productivity Pads from Time Tamer™ and the co-founder of Sterling Consulting Group and its subsidiary Sterling Marketing Group. You can follow her on twitter at kfleland. For questions, comments or to book Karen to speak at your next event, please e-mail [e-mail].

Comments

[Souers]

Being the person that seems to have been "dumped" puts a different perspective on this article. I thought I had a special relationship with a girlfriend where we promised to let each other know if, whether intentional or not, our feelings were hurt or we were angry at one another. We had agreed that being honest upfront was important so that our friendship would never drift apart needlessly. Yet, unbeknowst to me and despite my efforts to find out "what went wrong," I have been "dumped." Hmmmmmm. Makes one think, doesn't it?

[Karen Leland - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Souers;

Thank you for that interesting perspective I had not covered in the piece. It can be really hard when people won't communicate, so you can clear up whatever misunderstanding or hurt feelings may bet here. Thanks again for the other point of view.

[LynetteSh]

So true. This post could just as easily be titled how to nurture and deepen your friendships because the tips provided do just that. I've been lucky enough to learn these albeit later in life and I feel that my friendships are stronger than ever. Although i must say, that I can always use the reminder - these tips are really about how to be a good friend, that's the true value of decluttering your friendships.

[Karen Leland - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Lynette;

Thank you for your post. I could not agree more. I have also found that in my latter life I now have very long, deep friendships established. Still, It's important for me not to take them for granted and to be grateful for what I have.

[Karen Leland - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear ForDaniel:

I'm deeply sorry for any pain or loss you have suffered. One thing - comments on the article were not shut down as you mentioned in your post. Rather, out of consideration for the hurt feelings it caused - the entire post was taken off the site as a way to prevent further unintentional pain.

[ForDaniel]

One's friends tend to disappear after one has lost a spouse.
"Since the moderators decided to shut down the comments option on your "Golf Widow" article after just one day, I've brought my comments here. Your article starts with:
[I am a golf widow. No, my husband did not get hit on the head by some freak ball gone astray, although that might be better because then people would bring me casseroles, give me pitying looks and eventually set me up on dates with hot younger men to help me through my "transition time."]
After my husband's death, the only time I saw a casserole was in the movies. My neighbors avoided me like the plague. Pitying looks, as you indicate are a dime a dozen and "transition" sex is pretty hot stuff...in Hollywood.
On average ~active grief ~ after the loss of a spouse does not begin to subside until around 2 or 3 years and often as long as 5 to 10 years. One does not "move on", "get over it" or "forget in time".
I lost my husband to esophageal cancer 3 years ago. We were married 7 months when he got sick. After the funeral everyone went back to their own lives, their families. We were planning a family but never got there. Friends stopped calling.
Just had to let you and other readers know how the lack of real awareness about widowhood offends and alienates us".

[SaucyB]

EXACTLY!!!! thank you

[Zuzette]

Loved this post & the comments. I'm surprised it's not talked about more. It's a subject that facsinates (sp?) me as I've broken up with a few friends over the last several years. Once I get beyond feeling like a failure & a bad friend, I always feel better for having remembered that friendships, like love affairs, sometimes just run their course & it's no one's fault & it's best all around to let go. I wish I could have been so philosophical about this sooner. Would have saved myself (& my former friends) a lot of heartache. I have more realistic expectations now of what friendship will provide & my friendships feel deeper, more solid & more fun.

[memosyne]

If you spend too much time listening to a friend's complaints­/drama/pro­blems, you may be acting as an unofficial counselor. If the problems are persistent or the same kinds of problems recur over and over again, your friend may need more than friendship. I once had to tell a friend that she needed counseling and that I would not listen to any more problems because I felt I was not qualified to help her and when she complained to me she relieved her symptoms a little, just enough to keep her from getting qualified help. So I had to cut off the complaining.

[findingmuse]

I've discovered a good friend adapts to the ups and downs life brings to the friendship. I've also found that good friends are wholly supportive and deeply positive people. They're honest when necessary, but also know when to step back and let Life teach Its own lessons. They're nurturing without being suffocating, and they have a really, really, really good sense of humor about pretty much everything.

I've also discovered that a good--a REAL--friendship takes a long, long time to grow. Once upon a time, I'd meet a person and within a week she'd be my friend. And then, because I have a personality that seems to attract the victimized, the negative, the insane, and the helpless, about 6-12 weeks into the friendship I'd realize: Goodness, WHY do I keep attracting this type of person??

But of course, at that point I'd let them in. And we were "friends." And so I'd have to do the whole dumping via distancing myself thing, and they always ended up hurt or confused and sometimes more psychotic than we started. Which would leave me feeling like a really cr@ptastic person.

So I learned: be open to new people and new friend possibilities, but don't add anyone to your List of Most Favorite People On Earth until you've been through some good and some bad, and both you and the friend have discovered it's worth it to take the acquaintanceship to the friendship level.

[hoocheekoo]

I've learned the hard way and over time that the best thing to do with a "friend" who consistently makes me feel uncomfortable is to create distance, particularly if I've talked with them about how I feel and nothing changes. While I can enjoy their company from time to time, they don't belong in my "friend" category. That's a special place and reserved for those who don't require so much work. If the number of friends is fewer, that's okay. I value them much more and my life is much more rich and rewarding for having them in it. Less is more might apply to friendships too.

[nailinpalinnow]

Here is another way to read your post, take it as a devil's advocate position:

If a friend calls you and you don't bother to return their call for 6 or 9 months, and then you don't want to listen when they want to talk to you about it, maybe...you actually weren't being a good friend on your end? This friend is "always" doing the inviting? You are sending the message that the friendship has to be on your terms - a one way street. When she would see you she wanted to clear the air and you just didn't want to talk about anything serious.

Instead you avoided deep discussions, apologized to make her shut up, ignored her phone calls, endured further lunches, and eventually became "too busy" until she went away...lol Sounds just like a bad dating relationship with a guy, minus the sex!

[Highlyirritable]

It's all about balance. The best and most lasting friendships cannot always be balanced 50/50, but they are always RECIPROCAL. It's simple - if I continually put in more than I receive, it's OVER.

Jeni

http://highlyirritable.wordpress.com

[ofcoursejesusisblack]

Agreed.

[ofcoursejesusisblack]

I continuously evaluate my friendships and if I get the slightest hint that they are toxic I march them right out the door. We are here to support each other not continuously tear each other down. And that goes for family too. There are family members who try to capitalize on that blood is thicker than water nonsense and try to walk all over you. I say throw those bums out too!

[lillibelle]

You may be right but, oh, that is so hard a task. It takes great strength and detachment to sever the familial yokes around one's neck. If you are strong, why not carry a few?

[CAMBEL]

This article left out the fact that some people are just manipulative attention seekers and talking about your "Feelings" isn't going to change that fact. Just because you were friends with somebody in college does NOT mean you have to remain friends with them later in life.

[Schmupergirl]

Life changes and so do friendships. Women have a bad tendency to hold on to toxic friendships based on their attachment to a history with the person. Believe it or not, we are not obligated to people who cause nothing but strife and drama. Cutting ties hurts at first but it's more like conquering a bad habit. We do things sometimes because it's what we are used too, not necessarily because it's what we truly want.

The only part of this post I disagree with is the Feelings over Facts aspect. Facts are what allow you to identify a toxic person/rel­ationship. Feelings get in the way of dealing with it.

[FrancesAlford]

I think it is very important to make sure that we do not have emotional barracudas masquerading as friends. I have had to cut the line on a couple of long term female friends in the last couple of years. Although the cutting (of the cord) was painful, the stress that each of these women was giving out was only noticible when it stopped. We are raised to believe that we have to "Be nice" and we are taught that hurting somebody's feelings is a really bad thing. Well, what we forget in this equation is that our own feelings are to be taken into consideration.

I have had several times where I looked closely at my "friends" as I would look at my wardrobe. Some things serve a purpose and others need to be removed. It is wonderful if we can re-vamp a friendship, setting limits or mending as we would our clothing. Unfortunately, there are relationships that just need to be left behind.

An acid test: If this were a boyfriend, would we tolerate this behavior? I hope not. The smart thing would be to break it up.

Frances Holliday Alford

[falloutgirl]

I 'de-cluttered' a friend 8 years ago. I'd known her since the early the 80's and she was a piece of work. I didn't know what bi-polar/maniac depressive was, I just thought she was over emotional and needy. Wrong! She was obnoxious, rude, demanding and if you didn't agree with her, you were stupid and ignorant. Plus she would tap you on the head to get your attention or 'correct' you if you said something she didn't agree with.

I visited her in 2001, and after a concert in Santa Barbara, we had an argument over something silly and she was so angry she demanded I shut my mouth or she would throw me out of her car and I would have to hitch my way back to her house in Norco, CA! That was over 100 miles!. Well I kept my mouth shut and the next day, I flew back home and slowly started to wean her out of my life. I never returned phone calls or emails. If I did answer the phone, I was short and sweet and sadly had no time to talk, but "I'll call you soon".

I agree with IowaGirl about life being to short and surronding ourselves with good people. And just because you've known this person for a long time, doesn't justify why you should stay friends if there isn't much of a friendship any more. Could be you're linked by habit instead of a true emotion.