The Arrogance of Fear and What to Do About It

We all want to get to heaven but none of us want to die.

I'm quoting one of my favorite advisors, David Neagle, who was quoting his mentor.

I'm not talking about the religious sense of heaven but rather the piece of heaven we're all looking for in the life, job or business we want to create. Dying is the equivalent of having to transform or change. In other words, we all want our problems solved but we don't want to have to change. Sound familiar?

What stops us from getting what we truly desire?

Whether it's a reformed health care system, a new job, a new place to live or to solve a business problem -- in order to get something new, we have to change. Of course, most people fear change. They fear change so much that when the path or the way that leads to the very thing they want shows up -- they reject it as heresy, craziness or arrogance.

How dare someone have a new idea! How dare someone share this idea as a solution? What gives them the right? Who do they think they are?

Does this sound the least bit familiar? You don't have to look far throughout history to find people crucified for bringing a good idea to light.

Fear is the enemy. Not the person with a new idea or new way of doing things.

You'll recognize fear because it makes you tighten up. Your energy is restricted and you automatically move into the fight or flight mode. What that means is you no longer have the ability to think properly. Blood is now rushing to your limbs and into your core and away from your brain. You want to lash out or recoil and hide. Whatever you decide to do when you are in the grip of fear is likely not what you would decide to do if you were in a calm and rational state of mind.

Certainly at this point in time, we've seen plenty of evidence at town hall meetings where some people are acting out of fear. They are quite literally unable to think reasonably.

Yet, one of the very things the country has been asking for -- change -- is being delivered. Delivered right to the door. Yet it's being rejected, loudly, by some who are acting out of fear.

Right now, long standing businesses are finding that their tried and true strategies are not standing up to the test of time. They are desperate for the answer yet when a different way of operating shows up -- they still believe they know what's best. So much so, that they call the gift that was delivered to their doorstep -- arrogant.

How could someone with different knowledge and different ideas possibly be able to answer the question that they've been mired in for years? The solution they offer sounds so foreign.

Einstein stated that the mind that created the problem is not the same mind that will solve the problem.

The fact is that we are constantly attracting into our life that which harmonizes with our foremost thoughts. If we're asking for something different than what we have and something different shows up -- don't we have to assume that this is lining up with what we asked for?

Yet most never see the gift. Hard to believe, huh? When the very thing that we asked for shows up -- we shun it.

Over and over again, when I coach people in their personal and business life, when they get really clear about what they want - something new shows up. It just generally never looks like, or is in the package they expected.

In fact, what shows up often looks like the exact opposite and it often looks like a new challenge or even a mistake. So how do we put attraction in action ?

Here's some ideas to help us actually allow us to recognize the answer to our challenges:

1. Take a moment and stop. So often we get triggered and react and if we have others around us that are like-minded...well, the not-so-merry-go-round revs up to warp-speed.

2. Try to figure out what's triggering you. Is it a tone of voice? Are you feeling like you MUST defend a point of view regardless of what the other party is saying? Are others feeding a frenzy?

3. Ask yourself whether drama is a part of your life. You'll be able to identify this because you like to complain with others a lot.

4. Breathe and listen. I love the saying that we were given two ears and one mouth for a reason - so we can listen twice as much as speak.

5. Listen. Yes, I'm saying this twice for a reason. A common practice in communication (poor communication) is to listen with the sole intent of waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can say what you have to say. That's a no-no. Instead, listen without judgment (it really can be done) to the message and the intent. Take in all the information.

6. Think critically ON BOTH SIDES. Of course, you'll already have been thinking critically about the others solution but also review all the information on your side. Take a step back, is everything you're defending actually true? Can you, for a moment, step into the other side's solution?

7. Ask yourself, 'is there a possibility that this is the exact thing I've been waiting for?' I know, I know, it's likely your first response is 'no way'. But take another step back and ask for help to see this as a solution.

You might still come to the exact same conclusion but instead of submitting to fear immediately, at least you've given yourself some space to ensure you're not missing the very thing for which you've been asking.

Follow Karen Luniw on Twitter: www.twitter.com/karenluniw

Comments

[stonecircle]

Yes people tend to be quite resistant to change but that's sort of ironic isn't it? Life is a constant state of change so resisting it is like sitting in the ocean and resisting getting wet. Perhaps one of the biggest fears about change is that we won't be able to handle what comes next. Even if it's something wonderful, thoughts like "I'm not worthy" or "people will have greater expectations of me" rear their ugly heads. Resisting change is just as much about fear of success as it is about fear of failure.

Laurel Vespi
www.stonecirclecoaching.com

[Karen Luniw - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks Laurel for commenting! I remember when I first heard that one could be fearful of success! I didn't understand....until I did. :)

Moving towards what we wants means that we HAVE to BE different than who we used to be and that's not a bad thing. It just feels really odd until we move through it.

[Kathy Smith]

Karen, you are so right. It's hard not to follow the old thought patterns and behaviours that continue to keep us in a perpetual one-dimensional thought cycle. How can we not fear change when that familiar inner voice has the upper hand? Who we are at the core is who we bring to business. Whether we sit in a corporate boardroom, work behind the counter at a dry cleaning shop, or run our own design company, if we can't embrace change, we won't succeed.

We're so quick to resist what feels uncomfortable when others bring new ideas to us, but it's in that moment that we can step back and step out of our conditioning for five seconds and be willing to explore what it could mean. Imagine how many more incredible opportunities we could have if we gave new innovations, new ways of working, and new ways of communicating a chance. Just a little flexibility can go a long way. There is simply no way to move forward unless change takes place. And remember, change is a process - we can tweak things as long as necessary to effect the desired outcome.

Change isn't always easy, it takes time. It also takes us out of our comfort zone, but without change, we cannot grow. "Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time." Mark Twain

[Karen Luniw - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for your comments Kathy! I love the Mark Twain quote. It's true, for those who are showing up with new ideas - we want the world to fully embrace it - NOW! But, of course, that DOES take others out of our comfort zone and is not likely to show up as quickly as we would like.

They key is that it is possible. :)

[KimSarrasin]

Karen,

This was a fantastic post!

As a seminar leader and relationship coach I witness all the time people resisting the very thing that would help them solve their issues with the opposite sex. I can't tell you how many times I've laid out clearly how to solve an individuals issues, only to have them let money or time (aka: fear of change) get in the way.

The gift for me has been becoming less an expert at selling, and a better expert at removing fear :)

Thanks again Karen for your wonderful words of wisdom!

[JodyGabourie]

Karen - I love what you just wrote. Fear really is arrogance and arrogance is usually just fear all dressed up. Fear is such a huge inhibitor of so many people and of myself too sometimes. And you're correct - fear usually comes up because we are being asked to change in some way. I find sometimes the hardest thing for my marketing coaching clients is not so much the marketing, but the idea of doing things a different way. Not only of what they are used to, but sometimes what other people are telling them.

It's very hard as an entrepreneur sometimes to go our own path and say "yes" to things that don't feel natural or comfortable at first. Usually when I have fear, I KNOW that there's something/­someone/so­me idea that I really need to take time to look at. That's when the truism that FEAR is just False Evidence Appearing Real most stands out for me.

Jody Gabourie
www.marketingplanqueen.com

[Karen Luniw - Huffpost Blogger]

Jody, what an excellent reminder! If we could all somehow remember to look at the fear as something we need to look at and reflect on rather than react to - well, I think we'd see a different reality.

Thanks for your comment!

[JacquesLeCavalier]

I was just in a meeting today about a regional sustainability project, Karen, that many people have in some way been asking for for a long time. However, now that it is being proposed, a significant number of key actors are reacting against the project, in some cases specifically because the person leading the effort or the effort itself is seen as arrogant. Much of this criticism seems to be rooted in fear of some sort, but what's important to me is figuring out how to use this in a constructive way to move the effort forward.

A key part of that, and it's difficult, is having the courage to not just label the criticism as founded only in fear, but of separating out the valid and useful bits from the "drama" and childish bits, and engaging the critics in dialogue to turn them into supporters.

When this works, it is hugely rewarding!

Jacques LeCavalier
jacqueslec­avalier.co­m

[Karen Luniw - Huffpost Blogger]

Truly, it is hugely rewarding when you see the light come on in those individuals who have been rooted in fear.

You're absolutely right, too, it does take courage to call criticism what it is...founded in fear, it also takes courage to change. Whenever we, as thought leaders, can create a space for others to take that step forward to change their minds - I think we'll change the world.

Try this - next time you have a meeting where those who are fearful are attending - imagine the idea outcome - not what you think is possible - what you'd really like to see. That alone, amazingly enough, can change the energy of the meeting and start to reduce the reactions out of fear.

Thanks Jacques, for commenting!

[NickyD]

In my business (Television) I have seen many people who want something so bad but then when the opportunity arrives they either blow it off or they don't take it seriously. Then when the moment has passed they whine and complain about it. On my own path I have been dealt many forks in my road. I have had to carefully consider every path, because I have an end goal that I have been working towards! One thing is for certain - we can ALL listen better! I know I certainly have to practice this one!

Nicole Dunn
Creative Producer
Dunn Pellier Media Consulting

[Karen Luniw - Huffpost Blogger]

I'm amazed at watching people ask for what they want and then seeing them not fully take in the experience of what's been offered up. Isn't it amazing when the moment passes by and they start whirling around looking for someone to blame? Not very attractive.

Thanks for commenting Nicole!

[GKM]

You have hit the nail on the head Karen! I have seen this over and over again in the high end home furnishings and design realm.

So many of these companies are run by " the old boys club" these are the people that are not up on current coaching or managing principles, they are out of touch with their staff, their customers and the communities they operate in.

I constantly see very qualified, forward thinking empowering managers with passion for this industry frowned upon because of the arrogance of fear you speak of, coming from the misguided outdated realm of many of these companys.

I hope all those living in the past can change their vision, their very survival depends on it.

Keep up the great Blogs Karen.

[Karen Luniw - Huffpost Blogger]

I agree GKM, survival of many, many companies depends on them opening up to change!

Thanks for commenting!

Karen.