Wedding Bells or Warning Bells?

If your new partner complains about how all exes have been CRAZY, you should wonder what your honey did to make them crazy. Or wonder if your amour is a Drama Queen or Drama King.

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Comments

[JLee]

This is all pretty sound advice. (I could do without some of the cuteness, though. Sticky-icky?) I think I've reached a point in my life where I'm ready to look at the field, and will keep these considerations in mind.

[smokeystover39]

OK, let's cut to the chase scene - you find lipstick on his dipstick and it ain't your shade. DUMP THE DUDE!!!

[ouroborous]

Perhaps the simplest answer to "how do you know if this will work or not?" is this:

You don't.

You don't know until you find out. If the person is so horrible that a relationship could never work with them, then why are you dating them, let alone considering a lifetime bond. If the person is merely a good and kind individual with some rough edges, then the true, although unsatisfying, answer is: you won't know until you try.

You might be wrong. It might break up. That's life.

But you won't know until you try, and the only way to REALLY fail at love, as at life, is to be too risk averse -- to not try because you might not succeed. "Tis better to have loved and lost..." blah blah blah.

[Anastasia]

That's okay if kids aren't involved.

An extreme example, admittedly, is Anne Hathaway. Talk about love being blind....

Her relationship with Follieri will probably scar her, if not for life, for a long time.

[ouroborous]

You are correct; I didn't take children into account. When your actions are no longer just affecting you, you have to consider the wider consequences.

[livesbythec]

Thanks for the great article. I'm going to print it out and keep it in my purse!!!

[bethinCary]

Glad I'm single and not looking.

I want my freedom, my freewill, my self-respect, my self-love, convictions, courage too much at this point in my life..
If and when I ever meet a Mr. Right-I'm sure he'll have similiar values cause I don't want to be accused of trying to change anyone-and I'm sure I'll trust my instinct..
I like DH Lawrences' quote about relationships best:

"2 people in a relationship are like 2 stars who rotate around each other, attracted by each others energy but not dependent on each other."

So if one person is doing all the giving-in an unequal amount--or else if you can't see someones' heart/soul-that's not a reason to stay no matter what you've been through with the person.
Gotta see it reflected back at ya..
It's also not my job to pierce any veil between someone elses' soul and mind/ego-a state I think most people stay in most of their life..but for them to want to..
Actions are the best indicator-because every guy of course will tell you he's the greatest,most sincere, most ethical, moral guy ever..but actions will belie that..
and if he spends his lifetime blaming others, coming up with reasons why it's always everyone else-the poor victim manipulative act, without looking at himself..........run like hell.
my 2-cents

[desertdweller]

It's possible to be in love with someone and still have nagging doubts about their appearance, their habits, etc. However, when those doubts concern their integrity, their sincerity, and their loyalty, their kindness, you may only be fooling yourself. There is a "tipping point" beyond which it's time to pack up and go.

[Topfeeder]

Yes. Been married almost 20 years and still have some of those doubts. I always think when you reach the point of no return you will know it.

[commarcos]

I am thinking about marriage and this seems to be my trouble. I love almost everything about her except for a few habits that seem to be subsiding anyway. I guess it may be my own paranoid mind thinking that these seemingly tiny issues will ever have an affect on us. When i think about it logically it seems obvious but god damn those nagging doubts. I of course don't want to make these issues worse by sweating the small things, i guess we are all human.

[LordMoon]

One things for sure, love can never just be a calculation. If after you've added everything up, and feel that the postitive things don't out weight the negative's, then one things for certain, your not in Love, because the process itself is all wrong.

Love usually means that one's awareness is focused differently. As they say love is blind.

Those who forever calcuate in regard to relationships, will nost likely, never be able to fall in love, just as they will have problems with falling asleep at night - to many nagging idea's and details, preventing them from letting go into the feeling.

[Cathexis]

It's true, LordMoon, that calculation won't tell you when/how to love.

But it CAN tell you when you should resist the initial urges of what you believe to be Love.

If you ONLY follow you're heart, you risk committing to someone who can't/won't really love you back ... even if you establish a relationship/marriage. A partner doesn't have to be *perfect*, but they do have to meet some minimum thresholds and any relationship has to be good for both parties.

Follow your heart in seeking/responding to Love. But don't ignore your head if it scream "Veto!"

[LordMoon]

Then that just means your not in Love.

It's interesting that people believe reason, the head, to be more reliable than the heart.

If you paid attention to every reasonable thought you had, and wrote them down, then looked at them at the end of they day, you would see just how unreliable, and crazy the head can be. The head can never be relied on, ideas change like the wind.

Often relationships survive, despite all the odds, only because of the Love that is mutually felt, it sustains relationships in a way calcuation can never do. And it can be there for a lifetime, you just have to trust it.