Nurture Shock: How Praise, Protection And PBS Are Ruining Our Kids

With the rise of stay at home dads, Einstein babies and hyper competition, being a kid today is radically different than it was a generation ago. As a parent, I have to say that I find the controlled environments and high expectations surrounding how to raise our children to be so different from when I was a kid that it is hard to keep up.

This blog is the first in a two-part series exploring the recent trends in "Over-Parenting." Today, I will focus on some of the circumstances involving younger children, and next week I will turn to teens.

While there are many improvements for life as a kid today - like car seats and really cool playground equipment - a lot of things are downright stressful and disappointing. Here is a top ten list of things I personally can't stand as a modern American parent:

1. Playdates.
   


2. Endless "after school activities" that eliminate dinner altogether
   


3. Uggs, Beatles Guitar Hero and cell phones for 9 year-olds
   


4. The lack of freedom for kids to ride bikes all over town for fun
   


5. No paper routes or lawn mowing or weed pulling for extra cash
   


6. No more "Come Home When the Streetlights Are On" neighborhood standards
   


7. Fighting constantly to "downshift" our family routine.
   


8. Having to serve macaroni & cheese or pizza at every kid gathering
   


9. Texting instead of using the spoken word to communicate
   


10. Eight% of kids walking to school today vs. over 75% when I was a kid.

What has HAPPENED to us as parents? We bought into the notion that the world is a very scary place, when it is safer than ever. Toddlers are strapped down with every safety device known to man just to get out and learn to rollerskate or ride a bike, and all of their recreational time is carefully planned and monitored from the moment they can crawl.

We have succumbed to the consumer haze, and sold our souls to China. The seductive acceleration of our time over-saturates kids with choices, over-books their time with activities, and pushes them to stress before they should ever know the word.

I recently read a groundbreaking book for parents: NutureShock- New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. I was underlining like mad, dog earring pages left and right, and calling my husband every five seconds to read a passage. It's a must-read. Essentially, the take-away is that parents today are treating their kids as if they are mini-adults, when, in fact, they require vastly different tools and parameters to grow up.

Similar to Malcom Gladwell, Bronson and Merryman are journalists who know how to wrangle out some of the most groundbreaking research on children that has been conducted in years, and put it all together in a series of topics that will knock your socks off - like why kids lie, how praising kids paralyzes their growth, and how our focus on "prosocial" TV shows is contributing to relational aggression and bullying.

Let's face it, adults like to be praised. It raises our motivation, and is a key tool in any business environment. However, when children are constantly praised and told they are "smart," it reduces their confidence and motivation. Kids who are touted as smart are often afraid to tackle a challenge because they perceive they should be able to get it instantly. They stop trying.

Rather, children are best served by being praised for their efforts. 'Trying hard,' or 'doing your best' encourages their sense of autonomy and ability, rather than a vague notion of being smart. Think it's easy? Parents have the hardest time remodeling this one, but kids respond almost instantly.

One of the most controversial and potent chapters in the book revolves around "nice" TV, and its potential contribution to the rise in bullying. Interestingly enough, it appears kids are not watching any more TV than a generation ago, but the new trend in programming is towards "prososcial" shows often seen on PBS like Clifford and Caillou or even Sponge Bob. They are supposed to teach our kids how to be 'nice.'

But, it isn't working. We have forgotten that kids do not function like adults, who can learn a resolution or moral of a story at the end. The conflict is what they ingest. Dr. Jamie Ostrov and Dr. Douglas Gentile spent two years studying preschool kids from well off Minnesota families and monitored the types of television programming they watched; from the more violent Power Rangers to the educational PBS shows like Arthur.

They were shocked to discover the increase in any sort of physical aggression was no different between the two, and even more astounded to find that the educational television had a dramatic effect on "relational aggression," which shows up in comments like, "you're not my friend," or "we're not going to play with you anymore."

How can this be? I can see all the new parents bemoaning it now; PBS essentially saves the sanity of any adult who is raising a toddler- don't take that away! Yet, check this out: Ithaca conducted a follow up study to review 470 half-hour television programs commonly watched by children, and recorded every time a character insulted someone or put someone down.

Ninety-six percent of all children's programming includes verbal insults, and of the 2,628 put-downs identified, only 50 circumstances featured some sort of reprimand or correction -- and not once in an educational show. "Fully 84 percent of the time there was only laughter or no response at all," found Dr. Cynthia Scheibe.

"The more kids watched, the crueler they'd be to their classmates," Ostorov reported from the Minnesota study. "The correlation was 2.5 times higher than the correlation between violent media and physical aggression. They were increasingly bossy, controlling, and manipulative, and it was stronger than the connection between violent media and physical aggression."

As a mother, I fully understand the power of guilt, and feeing guilty or responsible for every imperfection in our kids, or every misstep we may take as a parent. This book is not meant to make all of us feel guilty that we are wrecking our children's lives, but rather presents solid and even uplifting revelations into the unique make up of what kids need. Bottom line, kids need some conflict, they need to fight with their siblings, they lie, and they might even benefit from seeing their parents fight when they can also witness the resolution.

Some of the traditional concepts of more free time, being bored, setting consistent rules and not fretting over a game of cowboys and Indians may not be so bad after all.

Let's start a dialogue here this week and next. What say you, parents of younger children? Are you stressed out and wondering what happened to parenting life? What do you think of some of the current parenting trends- both positive and negative? Leave a comment below, and follow us on Twitter and Facebook.

 

Follow Kari Henley on Twitter: www.twitter.com/karihenley

Comments

[TreeHugger09]

03:56 AM on 02/15/2010

I have a theory about the whole violence and "nice" tv, with a caveat...I am no expert in child psychology and in fact I don't even have children. However, I was a child once and when I think back to the shows *I* watched, "violent" shows usually consisted of He-Man or ThunderCats or some other such fantasy cartoon. There was a very distinct line drawn between the "good guy" and the "bad guy", and the bad guy ALWAYS got his just dues in one way or another. In fact, the physical conflict and subsequent resolution was basically the whole point. It was pretty black-and-white in its message. But with "nice" shows...the violence is far more subtle (as with insults and negative peer pressure) and I think more able to affect children on a subconscious level. Our minds at that age just don't have the filter of experience yet to fully grasp the harm done by psychological meanness. Interpersonal "violence" is treated as an insignificant by-line, and glossed over as to how unacceptable it truly is. If it's not directly addressed in the plot, it gets reduced to nothing more than mental scenery, part of the way the world is and readily absorbed and mimicked by children. If they see their favorite "nice" cartoon characters treating each other this way without repercussion, they internalize it as acceptable.

See, now THIS is why I don't have children...I'm too afraid I'd mess them up somehow!~ lol

[bgfreeman]

11:43 AM on 02/10/2010

Excellent article about a terrific book. As a pediatrician and parent of young children-reading Nurtureshock opened my eyes to some practices that can definitely be improved upon at home with my own kids(especially sleep, addressing lying, and excessive praise). The article certainly seems to have struck a (positive and negative) chord with readers. I like the concept that I heard from Stephen Covey recently(7 habits of highly effective families)-that families are 'off-track' 90% of the time and that is alright-that is normal.The key is getting back on track with adjustments and corrections-and having a clear idea of where you are heading, what your goals are for your family and your children. We all get some things right and have some areas where we could use some improvement. Families today will never be like familes a generation ago, nor will our children's families be just like our families today-too much changes. Books like this one remind us to take stock of what is going well, what is working, and what isn't so we can make corrections and keep heading in a positive direction. I am grateful for this book for highlighting some important areas for parents to reflect on how they are doing and whether any changes are in order. Thanks, Kari-for raising a thought provoking topic.
Bruce Freeman

[merginglight]

12:12 AM on 02/10/2010

I really like your post, It sure doesn't hurt to consider other values. Too many times I've seen kids boss their parents and police one another and families loosing touch with eachother. I feel that teaching my kid values won't happen by me constantly praising him - though there's nothing wrong with some praise, life is about living. It's not some test or game, not all about the children all the time or the parents.
For example: We need wood for the fire, I'm cooking dinner, husband is in the garage tuning up the truck, the youngest girl is picking up the toys and the boy will have to go get fire wood. Do I praise him for doing his part in "Life"? No. I say thank you...there is a difference between, "Great Job!" and in saying, "Thank You" . Also, I'm not on this earth to be a soccer mom and I refuse to feel bad about saying that. I encourage them to do what they feel is the right thing for themselves, but also challenge them to find ways to help themselves get to and from practices. Most the time there are other safe options. I think it's important for them to learn to think for themselves, and to make mistakes in their thinking and learn to be responsible for their thinking. How are they suppose to learn the value of right morals if their whole life is structured for them?

[snaj]

07:50 PM on 02/09/2010

I also found this irritating, although I DO wish for my daughter that she could ride a bike around the neighborhood and didn't need "playdates." We live in an apartment on a major LA street and there's no way I'm letting her roam around the neighborhood. I remember reading about how "safety" is a constantly evolving concept. Many of us grew up without carseats or seatbelts. Would you let your child go without a seatbelt even though you grew up without one? Now that this idea of carseats/seatbelts has become accepted, it's pretty hard to go back to our previous way of thinking. It's the same with the walking to school/bike riding. If I allowed my 5yo daughter to walk to school (as I had) or ride her bike on our street, I would be seen as a pretty negligent mom. It is almost unthinkable. Our thinking has already gone to through that paradigm shift for better or for worse. As for playdates, I am a rare stay-at-home mom. We have to arrange playdates because most parents work--mothers and fathers. I can't just let my child find her own friends to play with in the neighborhood because either the children are at school in afterschool care or they are in other activities. I don't know if this is true for other parts of the country but it's true for LA. I hate it too--but I'm wondering--how do we create an alternative?

[FemiMommy]

04:26 PM on 02/09/2010

I found this article really irritating. You've generalized the problems of a specific group of parents to the whole country. My child is not overscheduled, has no interest in acquiring more "stuff", gets praised for being smart and doing smart things and is so highly self-motivated that he taught himself to write. He doesn't watch TV, spends tons of time outside just messing around, at 6 is allowed to ride his bike on our block and will be allowed to ride further once he's a more skilled rider and demonstrates the ability to move safely in the world. We bike commute together, play games together, read constantly and practice kindness to everyone.

The lives of children reflect the lives of their parents. If you want your children to be less stressed, build a life where you, as the parents, are less stressed. It's possible if one stops paying attention to what "society" says you're supposed to do.

Gee, I wonder why parents have stopped trusting themselves. Could it be that it's because parenting "experts" such as yourself are constantly using "science" to tell other people how to parent their kids? How hypocritical!

[jgarma]

05:28 PM on 02/09/2010

It's almost funny how people react so differently to the same thing. (The veils before our eyes.)

I had the opposite reaction to Ms. Henley's post, nodding affirmatively at nearly every paragraph.

Recognize that it isn't all about you, nor is she peering into your life and presuming the worst. Rather, the woman is simply stating how her views about appropriate child raising are underscored by research.

I'm not picking on you, per se, but felt compelled to write my response to your reaction because I feel a big problem in this country is the lack of comity that extends, in part, from an inability to look at something objectively, as opposed to a knee-jerk reaction predicated on more than a modicum of self righteousness.

Jgarma

[csanant]

12:12 PM on 02/11/2010

Excellent response, jgarma. The inability to examine objectively and the tendency to jump into a defensive mode is a huge problem in this country. I think both reactions exemplify an epidemic of narcissim in America.

[Alitis]

05:36 PM on 02/09/2010

Hello FemiMommy,

I agree with your comment. I raised four kids with your mind set & they turned into wonderful, loving, compassionate adults.

[MerhabaAbi]

12:04 PM on 02/09/2010

Hi Kari,

Fantastic blog! I'm so glad to see you writing about this social epidemic. I made my fair share of mistakes raising my sons but I knew a couple of things then that are resonating more loudly as the years go by.

Your kids rely upon your judgment to help them develop their own. When you prove that you can't be trusted by claiming everything they do is great, they're left with figuring everything out by themselves and with their equally inexperienced friends..

You can't give a kid self-esteem. They develop it on their own or not. You give them unconditional love and you show them that you want to be around them and spend your time doing so.

With love,
little brother

[mironick3]

05:15 AM on 02/09/2010

I have read so many posts in which parents wish their kids can have a childhood like theirs. I guess that every generation feels like that, that their time was much better but actually it was not. I am so happy that I can provide my kids with computer, tv, video games, audiobooks, ebooks, after school activities, playdates since it is not their fault that in modern society there are not enough parks or programs at school for kids to spend their free time. I think that the kids who are most likely to get in trouble (gangs, drugs, severe anti-social behaviours) are the ones who are not into computers, tv, after school activities, playdates.

With that being said in short terms, I think it is time to stop complaining about everything and I think it is time to learn to be grateful and say thank you life for life has never been easier than now and hopefully in the near future a lot of us will live up to a century and it was made possible by mankind through history going forward and the grace of being born just in the right places.

All through history mankind has had it dark and bright sides and it will continue to be........

[Ej Nunez]

07:16 PM on 02/08/2010

My children are 5 and 3, and I don't have much trouble keeping their TV watching to a minimum, as I abhor advertising and find most all of today's PBS shows cringeworthy and unwatchable. Why do we feel the need to show our children only sweetness and light, when the real world is just the opposite?

My kids love the "Blue Planet" and "Planet Earth" documentaries. When I first began allowing them, I noticed I had this stupid instinct to stand in front of the screen and FF the parts where Bambi gets eaten, where the orca pod plays catch with a seal carcass, etc. I knew that NOT acting upon this ridiculous impulse had been the right thing to do when my son asked me, "Mommy, are sharks mean?" Of course not, I told him, they're just hungry and happen to be at the top of the food chain.

There are clear limits to this at 5 and 3, of course, but generally speaking, I think children need to be presented with reality, not utopia, if they are going to develop healthy relationships, appropriate attitudes and learn to make good choices. Adults use TV to escape, but the same paradigm can't be applied to children. Hopefully, our kids don't need to escape--they just need opportunities to learn.

[obitrey]

06:01 PM on 02/08/2010

A truly rare thing has occurred, a huffpo piece I agree with! This is really is a problem in our society, I have 7 yr old nephew who's school does not allow the game of tag, well that’s not totally true they do have air tag but I am sure just like the air bullets I shot as kid always seemed to miss. I thought this was a joke, or just some irrational teacher imposing this on their students....I was wrong, it is a school policy supported by the PTA that does not just ban tag, or touching during recess, they are actually, a no touching campus. That they refer to their elementary school as a campus aside, I find this INSANE!!

[Dr. Cara Barker]

03:15 PM on 02/08/2010

Kari, you've 'done it again.' There are not many subjects more vital to the next Seven Generations, and the way of this planet, than what you've offered us, here. While my child-raising days are long over, I do hold my grandbaby and wonder what the future holds for her, and her children. Happily, her parents love nature, exploration, and family time. Still, I am more than concerned for all our young ones. You, my dear, are suggesting an alternative: that we take a time out and reconsider what really is needed and what is not. I'm looking forward to your Part II.

Love,
Cara

[Kari Henley]

03:36 PM on 02/08/2010

Thank you Cara!
I have witnessed so many new moms feel fairly terrified of raising their children. From birthing choices to new babies to toddlers and on up. Somehow we have lost that connection to the inner knowing, or the simple basics to guide us. I do believe no one knows their child like a parent, and has an instinct of what they need, and when life is off balance. The challenge is knowing how to sculpt the environment to have enough simplicity and engagement for a modern balanced life.
Thanks for checking in, and I am sure you will be a wonderful influence for your grand-baby!
Kari

[pghobamamama]

09:11 PM on 03/15/2010

Kari,

Great article! Regarding what you said in this comment about losing the connection to inner knowing...

I feel like there are so many parents who are critical of parents who do things differently. Part of this is the great divide between one-income and two-income families. Everyone wants to justify their own lifestyle as the best and put down people who make other decisions. And then within these groups, parents are competitive about being the best at parenting their way. If I had a dime for every time I heard "I'd never let my kids do that" and things like that...

All this gossiping and judging of parenting skills makes us parents second guess ourselves. We can't make a decision without consulting the neighborhood consensus. When we think about whether our kids need a cellphone, instead of really looking at the circumstance we count the number of kids who already have one.

Last year, I didn't let my 5-year-old have a "kids" birthday party. When I told the neighbors they were shocked. You would've though I was abusing her or something. It's all ridiculous.

[TexanInMississippi]

01:36 PM on 02/08/2010

My favorite parental command -- "GO OUTSIDE!" We have two sons, 6 & 9. At least 3 times a week, when the weather is dry and above 50 I kick my kids out of the house to play together in the back yard (along with the dog) or find other neighborhood kids to play with. We purposefully chose to live in a neighborhood where there were lots of kids, and it is paying off big time. (Granted in the beginning my kids had to search out the other kids and ran into a few rejections - but hey, that's part of life!) It makes me especially happy to see them come home with flushed faces, covered in dirt or grass skid marks on their knees and that stinky boy smell...then I know they had a great time. I think the kids love getting a break from mom supervising everything once in a while. Playdates tend to produce more ya yaing by kids telling on one another and mom's having to serve as referees or getting involved with lots of manners instructions. I rarely hear tattle telling on the GO OUTSIDE play.

[Lori Petro]

01:24 PM on 02/08/2010

Because we don't have the support systems of generations past & more parents are working longer/harder, some are painting an unfair portrait of the results on our children by labeling them as rude & disrespectful. Our inability to effectively manage our stress & the OVERLOAD of responsibilities contributes to the disconnect between parents & children (in my opinion, more likely to be responsible for some of the rude, aggressive tendencies in children).

My kid is 4 - I have succumbed to PBS and the likes of Arthur & Caillou but put the brakes on certain shows because of the "relational aggression." We stick certain shows that don't aim to "teach morality" but simply entertain. Blues Clues, Mr Rogers -I am not advocating TV but there ARE shows that are valuable.

I loved this book & as a parent educator - I am committed to shifting mainstream ideas about parenting/discipline toward methods that are non-punitive & encourage building relationship over demanding obedience. (free resources - http://www.teach-through-love.com )

No (arbitrary) praise, no punishments, empathy, modeling & consistency- these qualities will secure our bond with our children & provide them with a better foundation than all the after-school classes in the world.

I also loved the part of the book that talked about how kids learn language - not through quantity (flash cards/DVDs) but through the amount of interaction children received (conversation) and how quickly parents responded to their child's initiation of language... it's ALWAYS about RELATIONSHIP. Thank you for your post!
Best,

[erinwithane]

01:03 PM on 02/08/2010

My sister in law is really bad that this sort of thing. She is also one of those so called "child rearing experts". She writes books, teaches at a university, ect.

Her children's lives revolve around "the routine". Everything the kids do is scheduled, and takes place on the same day at the same time, every single day.

When their family moved in to their new home, the kids "music and relaxation time" was omitted because none of the equipment was set up, and they had to go to bed without it.

The kids screamed for 2 hours before falling asleep, and just seemed completely out of it for the next few days. My sister in law beat herself up all night over changing "the routine"

I will never forget the look of horror on her face when I let my 8 year old go to the bathroom by himself, without an escort, or when I told her that my 5 year old takes baths by herself without parental supervision.

[maori]

11:16 AM on 02/08/2010

I'll praise a smart kid to the moon and stars, not a mindless little drone trying to "work" their way to importance.

Hard workers are great, but without functioning minds to work for, what good?

The old paradigm's done, no one's falling for the 'hard work = genius' lie anymore.
Drones in control are why you have these problems, stop putting smart kids at the back of the bus.

[AliciaMarieB]

10:51 PM on 02/09/2010

I think what she was trying to say, about not telling kids that they are smart, was meant to apply more so to young children who are just learning how to read, write, etc. then to older kids who have already developed those skills. If you tell your 5 yr. old he's smart because he can read, but then he starts having trouble actually writing the words, what happens to him having that vague conception of being smart?

[ConcernfromCanada]

11:16 AM on 02/08/2010

I welcome some critical analysis of parenting today. Most parents are out of control and smother their kids rather than let them learn from experience and to take full responsibility for their actions. Every kid now is a winner, a genius, far more advanced than the next,l but mostly they are rude little buggers with no regard or respect for anyone. We now see 30 year olds with the maturity level of what a teenager had back in my day.

We had rules and we had freedom and we had a community contributing to the well being of all kids in the neighborhood. If Mrs. X next door caught you up to no good, you knew your parents were going to find out. We respected other adults and other adults did not hesitate to help keep us in line when we were out of the range of our parents. Teachers in school were there to teach, not babysit or provide self esteem boosters in reward for bad behaviour.

I attended a birthday party for my neice (in my day only kids went to other kids birthdays - not a grand social gathering --there was a huge debate with one mother about letting her kids watch Bugs Bunny. No way would she ever let her kids watch it - too violent - but she had no qualms when her kids behaviour got destructive and violent. Her justification was they were burning off energy from the sugar in the cake.