Ask yourself this question: what percentage of time do you spend communicating with friends in person, vs. IM, Tweet, email or text? Has it shrunk considerably in the last few years? Finding yourself 'too busy' to get together? Creating and maintaining quality and lasting friendships is a challenge these days. I have a whole pile of books on my desk touting the importance of social relationships as key to our health, but how do we find the time?
How about this question: when is the last time you invited someone over to your house for dinner? According to Jeanne Martinet, author Life Is Friends - A Complete Guide to the Lost Art of Connecting in Person, reviving the dinner party is a key to putting our wheels back on track to a proper social life. She claims it is much more intimate than a restaurant, will keep you smiling for a week, and is the fastest way to deepen connections with those people you would like to know better.
Her book is funny, light, and practical - filled with reassurance that most of us have a 'virtual' social life or a 'sound byte' social life, as well as tips on getting over hosting phobia, initiating adult style 'play dates' with new friends, and embracing the ebb and flow of friendships.
I had a chance to speak with Martinet this week. A hard core New Yorker, Martinet noticing that most of her friends were "socially regressing" by spending too much time networking online, less time in person, and operating under a fear that having friends over means hosting a gourmet blow out ala Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray. She said her favorite dinner party recently included chili and Sara Lee cheesecake -simple and easy.
"Our increasing social isolation feels like we've all 'gone to our rooms' and stayed there," said Martinet. "And yet, like children, the way to make a friend is to go to each other's houses and play. In the beginning it takes some effort to focus on having friends over. It feels weird, but eventually you get addicted to it."Here are Martinet's tips from her book on how to get over "hosting phobia": 1. Invite People 2. Buy Food 3. Clear off the dining room table/move laundry off the piano 4. Make sure there is enough booze 5. Get dressed (I often forget this last one)
I can relate to hosting phobia. I hate to clean, am comfortable with messes here and there, and do not have a lot of elegant dining room regalia. I tried some of the fancy style dinner parties and nearly worked myself into frenzy. I cannot bake - at all. I even manage to screw up rolls of pre-made chocolate chip cookies. Once I tried to make gourmet chocolate bird cage cookies for a fundraiser, and they ended up looking like delicate piles of dog poo.
It is now the running joke that Kari cannot bake, and I get around my messy habits by hosting a lot of outdoor backyard parties pot luck style. We bring pizza, lots of beer, and the laughter is easy. Then I only have to clean the bathroom.
After mastering the art of having friends over to dinner, it is time to "go steady." Serial Socializing is the next, and one of the most important steps, to developing a true sense of belonging in your community, and to ease the ache of loneliness. Some people take vacations with the same families every year, some have a monthly poker club, others have coffee every week - the key is to create a routine with the same faces that can extend into the future.
Dr. Cara Barker, a fellow Huff Po featured contributor, created her own form of serial socializing by starting "Sunday Gatherings" at her house. They went on for years and offered wonderful memories for all. There is something particularly calming, rewarding and inspiring in having a group of people who come together regularly. Everyone knows each other's histories, quirks, and inside jokes. The warm feelings after these gatherings are like a slow release anti-depressant; with memories to savor, and anticipation for the next time.
Not sure how to get started with some serial socializing? Try to find a way to socially engage in three categories: daily, weekly and monthly. Each takes a slightly different focus and each offer its own rewards.
Daily: set a goal to make a heartfelt connection to at least one person each day that you do not normally run into. 'Reach Out and Touch Someone' - via email, phone call or in person. Think of this as a chance to check in, ask how they are, and offer help if it is needed. When you extend a hand, the return is always there. Maybe someone you know just had a baby, or lost a relative, or is feeling blue.
Weekly: find a small group of people you enjoy and make a weekly commitment to get together. For the social types, try coffee once a week. For athletic types, take a walk, jog or yoga class together. For the spiritual types, try a weekly meditation group to keep everyone relaxed, centered and connected. Make it short- one to two hours, so it is easy to keep the commitment.
Monthly: join or develop a group that may be a bit larger, that shares a common interest. Maybe it is a book club with a twist, a motorcycle riding group, a social action group, a 'going green' group, poetry slam, or a poker night. Monthly gatherings are often the easiest to schedule, and to maintain long term.
Think of each of these social commitments as individual roots you are planting in the ground, and as something sacred to cherish. Our lives are marked by the connections we have, not the accomplishments of our careers. Battling loneliness requires sacrificing time that could be spent elsewhere, but the payoffs are worth it.
Martinet described the comforting routine of serial socializing to be like a security blanket in the ever-changing configurations of our lives. "Think of it as one long dinner party, broken up by your life."
How about you, Huff Po fans? Had any great dinner parties, or have any stories of your 'serial socializing' tricks? Love to hear them. Cheers!
Follow Kari Henley on Twitter: www.twitter.com/karihenley
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Off to a dinner party being thrown in honor of my 29th bis (as the French say) birthday. Thank you to my amazing girlfriend
Loved your idea about the daily, weekly and monthly socializin
Raising My Glass To You,
Eli Davidson
I really enjoyed your article this morning. We just got to the island, and have been having lots of conversati
Funny you mentioned my design of Sunday Gatherings so many years ago. We were new to the community, and the practice of offering them to the community enriched our lives immeasurab
You are just 'the best,' Kari. And, thanks for the Martinet reference.
Love,
Cara
Shut off the modem...
repeat daily until a living community forms....
Terrific article. I've actually read "Life is Friends," and it inspired me to get out of my hostess anorexia and get into inviting friends over. For me there's the perfection
Cheers,
A. R. Taylor
I'm not criticizin
My mother's generation [would be over 100 now if they were stil living] went to church for this very reason. They were NOT religious at all. They simply saw the value in socializin
When anybody died in our family, there were always cards and flowers sent by "friends". And with few of the friends, if they were in the neighborho
I remember my mother attending "Wednesday Night Supper" and essentiall
The same as Wednesday Night Supper, without the Sunday preacher.
Good idea, but if you were raised going to church, you already knew all this!
I'm well aware of this new argument by the religious people in our country to lure people into churches. People go to church to be around people that believe EXACTLY like they do. They don't go for companions
However, my artists' communitie
Think about your interests and go to a site like tribe.net or meetup.com
However, the joy of filing up on friendship is so key to my family of friends. Often we get together at Pattie or Flor's gorgeous homes make dinner and dance, dance, dance as our Facebook photos show.
Recently I asked friends to join me at Artwalk in downtown Los Angeles. We had such a grand time that I am moved to make it my monthly commitment
I will have to get one of those signs!
Love to hear of everyone's stories. I can just imagine your group dancing away - makes life worth living, no?
Thanks for stopping by!
kari
my comments pertain only to one issue....
Meeeeeeeee
and again, this is only about having another personal me moment.
Loved your piece---an
And that is how it is done!
Something out of a genuine desire - just to connect.
It grows and blossoms.
Love the story- thanks for sharing it!
we meet with other friends evry so often and share a meal. We have great friends and try to meet as much as possible.
There is always a party in our community every few months.
As authors and bloggers we do have to limit to much socializin
ALL LOVE,
Ed
Great point about "too much" socializin
There is a fine line between being active with friends, and consumed.
Not everyone can find the magic of that few speical friends, and not every time in our lives is conducive to regular socializin
Thanks for raising a great point, and taking the time out to comment!
Kari
I lived in the UK for the past decade, where dinner parties are the main way to socialize for people over about 28/30. I had an English bf who was friends with 20 couples who constantly did this, meaning our Thursdays and weekends were ALWAYS full of dinners that we had to attend, and reciprocal dinners that we had to give. They knew each other from high school/col
That entrenched dinner party circuit handicappe
I grew to feel stifled by the British expectatio
I remember years ago in the early 1980's when I was a temp while in college, a very brilliant woman lawyer I knew there was clearly unhappy. She confided that despite all the work she had to do in the law firm, she was still expected to do everything
Well, as you can imagine I was shocked, but I did see that there was an unhealthy dynamic at play. i tried not to be that way in my own life.
Now, the real kicker is that after a successful career i have been laid off. I really see now all the things that keep a home running takes real work. Heck, You would have to pay a lot of money to people to do this things! And that takes me to the point of men who do not listen or communicat
So, I think you bring up a great point:
When couples have a dinner party, both should work as a team with the work involved and the guest list.
facinating comment!
Interestin
Feeling like an outsider is never comfortabl
perhaps you will find other methods of connecting with friends that works for you. Dinner parties aside, many women would run over a tiger's back in 20 feel of snow to get to their beloved book clubs. Others refuse job offers if it interferes with their coffee dates- find the shoe that fits and break it in!
Thanks
Kari
As someone in their late twenties, I get very bored with the people my age who still drink like they're 16. I like the preparatio
Having also lived in Europe, I find that food preparatio
Maybe it's just me, but does anyone else notice this with their late-twent