Do not, for one second, believe it if someone ever tells you that. The only rational reason that anyone could ever utter those words together is if they are in shock... Those words initially kept me from truly healing and listening to what it was trying to tell me when I was diagnosed with cancer at 35 years old.
It was a gorgeous, sunny afternoon when I pulled into the parking lot of my youngest daughter's preschool just as my phone rang. It was my doctor, and I was eager to hear the good news, as the week before I had visited her with bronchitis. She felt a lump on the right side of my neck and asked how long it had been there. Good question, I thought, but I had no idea... How often do you really feel your neck for lumps anyways? And while it was actually noticeable when I looked in the mirror, my 20-minute morning beauty routine didn't leave any time for examining my neck!
I was sent for an ultrasound the following day and a biopsy the day after that. I was surprisingly calm and only told my family during this time because I had no symptoms and I was sure I was fine! My mom actually had half of her thyroid removed exactly two years ago because of a benign tumor and I had convinced myself that would be my case too. Annoying, but I could handle it.
So I was not prepared to hear my doctor say "the radiologists have noted that you most likely have thyroid papillary carcinoma." I knew from my medical terminology classes that carcinoma meant cancer -- and my heart froze. "I have cancer," I thought to myself without letting it really sink in as I halfway listened to her talk about the steps there were to follow. I took a deep breath and walked into the preschool building to get my daughter and have never been so happy to see her run up to me and give me a giant hug. I went through all the motions of getting her ready to leave, talking to her teachers about her day, and then drove home in a haze of emotions.
My husband often works from home, so he was there when we entered the house. I set up the kids with a movie and told him the news. He was so strong and supportive, but had so many questions that I didn't have the answers for... I crawled into bed as he took care of the kids for the night, getting them dinner and baths, and I tried to process the news and talk with my family. It was really not like me to be so calm as I tried my best to reassure everyone that I would be fine. "I'll be fine," I kept saying out loud as I was freaking out in my mind.
The next several months were tough and exhausting -- with so many ups and downs (which included going to one of the best hospitals in the U.S. and actually being told that it was not cancer)! It took so much energy trying to be the fake brave, strong, optimistic person that I was trying to be. I continued to work and just took a week off to have a major organ removed and the required four days to be in quarantine to do the Radioactive Iodine Treatment. During this treatment, I had went off the thyroid medication that regulated my thyroid functions (hormones, sleep, and metabolism), so that any remaining thyroid cells could soak up the radioactive iodine. I shuffled around the school I work at, slept 14 hours a day, barely saw my family and was disconnected to my poor stressed out husband who had to take over all my duties. It was the most exhausting time of my life.
It was only when I admitted to myself that I was not fine that I started to get better. I realized that I needed to take a leave of absence from work, and swallowed my pride to ask for help from my friends and family. It wasn't easy, but it was absolutely what needed to be done. And when the help came -- Oh Glory Day! Meals, help with the kids, cleaning and one of my sweet friends even planted flowers in all my planter boxes to cheer everyone up. I also learned that the people who truly care about you are looking for ways to help, they just often need permission and a little direction. It's truly a win-win for everyone!
I now know a cancer diagnosis has helped me learn so much, and maybe this was a wakeup call to take a deeper look at my life. And that all those people who told me I'll get through it and be a stronger person because of it were actually maybe right! Crazy isn't it!
• I learned that the love and support of my amazing family and friends is a very powerful gift. My relationships with many have moved to a higher level, and I have bonded with my family closer than ever before.
• I developed a stronger sense of self. I realize that I have control over doing more of what makes me happy and leaving behind things that drain me (which explains all the dust bunnies that now reside in my happy little home).
• I have grown spiritually and feel closer to God and a deeper sense of peace as I go through each day.
• I gained a new perspective on life. Our time here on earth is limited, whether we have cancer or not. The key is to live your life to the fullest, moment by moment, and day by day.
I really and truly am finally fine.