How Modern Technology Ruined My Favorite Spectator Sport

It's called the Speedo LZR Racer. Credited with dozens of world records, it's not sewn but welded together, was engineered by NASA, produces 38% less hydrodynamic drag than a normal bathing suit, covers from ankle to neck and has all but ruined my favorite spectator sport since I could say "libido": men's swimming.

It's only normal that performance trumps the swimmer's sex appeal and yes, in this case the women are wearing them too, but men's sportswear isn't all dictated by technology: Some players choose bigger because for the young American man, bigger has somehow become better. Larry Bird used to make hoops swoosh in tiny backside-skimming shorts. Now the men competing for gold in Beijing hold court in bloomers. John McEnroe served aces with his hairy thighs exposed, James Blake does it with fabric to his knees. And for those of us who spend more time horizontal on the sand than attempting to shatter world records, knee-grazing overly baggy board shorts are as abundant on the beach as the bikini.

While looking through family albums last Thanksgiving, I came across a photo of my father posing proudly in a giraffe print skintight Speedo. "Mine eyes!" I cried as I covered the picture. "That was the style!" he insisted admiring his youthful physique with pride. Now if you wear a Speedo it means one of four things: you are a competitive swimmer, a card-carrying member of the EU, over sixty and unaware of the changing times, or same-sex oriented.

The same holds true for underwear. While living in Paris I happened to see a lot of very heterosexual French policemen in their intimates--don't ask about the circumstance--and the majority of them were wearing very tight, brightly colored briefs. One even had a pocket for a certain family-planning device right on the front. Surely if you asked a group of young American men if they were sporting boxers, boxer-briefs or briefs, the brief would be a rather underrepresented member of the underpants clan. Women, on the other hand are barely wearing a thing under there--I have seen underwear gracing the pages of the Victoria's Secret catalogue that would serve just as well as an eyepatch. And that Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini that caused such a stir in 1960? It's now being mass-produced by J. Crew.

When did Speedos on the beach and briefs in the bedroom become banished by the young straight American male? "From Here to Eternity" star Burt Lancaster proudly displayed his physique in the tightest shortest bathing suit allowed on screen in 1953, Gordon Scott played Tarzan in a barely-there loin cloth and it's hard to conjure bodybuilding images of Arnold Schwarzenegger without skimpy swim trunks. Today, a young man on an American beach in a Speedo has the shock value of a topless woman.

Maybe it's just a bell curve and things will go skimpy again soon. In 1916, park and beach governing boards declared that men's bathing suits had to have a modest "skirt effect," and before 1937 they could be arrested for indecent exposure if they bared their chests on American beaches. The silver screen in the '50s and '60s changed things, but now we are back to male modesty. Is the renaissance of the skimpy Speedo around the corner? Who knows? For now, on America's beaches and in her bedrooms less is more for women and more is more for men. It just doesn't seem fair.

Comments

[Chancy]

When I was a swimmer we used to put the team logo on the side of men's buttocks so that it would ripple when they walked. It's magnificent to watch, quite simply, it's how I know a higher power exists.

I was a competitive swimmer most of my life and through my teens. Back then the suits were still cut without the hips exposed. The girls would roll the sides of the suits up past our hip blades giving us a 'wedgie' so to speak. We did this in order to keep our muscles free from the elastic band of the suit. The swimmer, gymnastic and beach volley ball suits that are made now are just a reflection of that home made modifications that we would make ourselves back in the 90's.
Yes, most woman revel in looking sexy, but in the middle of a competition I think most people revel more in winning. If you can win and still look sexy, that is a bonus, but I was in it to shred not to look sexy.

[moda31]

i'm disturbed by the overly severe cuts of the outfits worn by female gymnasts, swimmers, runners and the obviously ridiculous stuff worn for beach volleyball. the bathing suits and leotards this time around look far too much like the ones they wore on baywatch, except these athletes are mostly still girls, so disturbing.

[FrancescaItaliana]

I agree that the runners and beach ballers' outfits are a bit too skimpy. But without a mandate among the participants, there won't be a standard. Swimmers' outfits should have a standard, too. In the current Olympic Games, some men are wearing the full-body outfits and some are not. There ought to be a scientific study as to what advantage the full body men's swimming outfits have over the half-body ones. As to the modesty of the outfits, it's amazing how different they are when you look at the rest of the world. There was an item today in the Washington Post about women in Egypt being harassed if they do not wear the full black outfit with only a slit for their eyes. Those of us who live in countries that allow women to wear bathing suits (we're not even talking bikinis or topless) and swim among men! should put pressure on countries that stifle women in every respect. Equal rights for men and women have a lot to do with society's tolerance for how we dress.

[cjohnathan]

On another thread, women were complaining that 'Women's Beach Volleyball' was an unabashed,
even sexist T&A spectacle. Do these same women lament the passing of the revealing male swimwear? I'd like to read a response .

[elan4444]

Totally with you Karin. Some of these comments are extreme, so just irnore them. We have to have a little fun, for goodness' sake. These athletes are setting a great example of fitness, it is good to look your best.

[Obama4Life]

Women full of lust, men full of lust.

No wonder so many sex crimes are happening in this country.

Female Teachers molesting kids etc.

Homos having sex in the streets at gay pride parades,

Can't wait to see what will happen next (sarcasm)

Maybe pedophiles will start saying its their right to have sex with children. And create political groups to.

What ever happened to class, modesty and decorum?

America is headed down the wrong road.

I'm not even that religious and I can see this.

[unclesmedley]

You strike me as a glass-half-empty sort of person.

[nycdave]

Homos having sex in the streets at gay pride parades? Damn... I've been going to the wrong parades...

[Qban1029]

Where are these parades? Can I still get a ticket?

[desthmoneses]

The U.S. is far more modest and prude than the rest of the world its time we matured a litte bit. Fear if the human body and sexuality causes sexual confusion not openess and acceptibility.

[land]

your view on the subject seems a little immature and underdeveloped. You should focus your contempt on dishonesty, repression and immaturity. Not on the natural temperature of human loins.

[ynp7]

Sorry to inform you of this, but tight clothing up on your junk just isn't comfortable.

[JonasH]

I'm a guy, and I believe that the average american male is embarrassed to be seen wearing so little clothing. They're basically chicken.

Yes, I'm a european.

[ConcernedAboutRFuture]

That's cause they're scared that someone will see their small.... brain. ;o)

[KarlAdam]

So-o-o right Karin and JonasH. The average American male has no idea of the edge he would have with women if he dared to show some bun contour.... Watching the Olympics myself I've not only lamented the men's swimwear - and I'm totally with you there, Karin - but the US basketball team really takes the top prize, coming across with us Europeans as a bunch of uptight clowns in the widest-ever-flaring skirt-shorts as their official players' uniform.

Furthermore, I've actually been moved to e-mail people in the know about the regulation beach volleyball wear. It seems the rules state the players should wear standard (read: US, European males still feel comfortable in their speedos) beach wear and that the gear should be clean... If ever there was a case for sexism in sport, I personally believe 90% of the fan base for women's beach volley ball are straight males drooling at the athletes in their bikinis. I think the sport federation should act before men's beach volleyball gets dropped as an Olympic sport...

And yes, I am a gay male and delighted that (straight, I assume) women have spoken, as well.

[timbershell]

Great article! As an american guy living in Europe, there are no shortages of men in speedos here..in fact, when friends visit me from the US and we hit the beach, their first comment is invariably "Holy Sh*t, look at all those gay guys in speedos!!!"

[EarthToZoey]

The picture on the teaser page of Phelps in the plaid speedo -- omg. Niiiiice. I could handle seeing a bit of that. *drool*

[ShakeYourComplacency]

There's no reason in the world why the women who play volleyball can't wear shorts, even short shorts. The article was right, women are expected to wear less and less, while the men are practically wearing sheets. And on the street it's no better. We used to see some behinds, and some male arm or leg parts. Now they all walk around with pants 6 sizes too large, the short are capris as someone else pointed out, and the shirts are huge and hanging. Then they shave their heads to be even more sexless. Whenever I see a young guy walking around with beautiful black or brown circles on his head, I know he's portuguese, or something other than american raised. And btw their personalities match their outfits.

[magicpony]

shorter shorts, speedos and briefs abound in male hipsterland. for once, it's a trend i hope spills over to the mainstream.

i too lament the fancy new technological suit. it's only fair, given that the women's beach volleyball team plays in practically nothing, that the ladies get our share of eye candy as well.

[Jetling]

The marketing of women's beach volleyball is somewhat of a conscious decision. And the men's pros probably would go with less were it not for the issues mentioned in the article. I find the new swimsuits somewhat as cheating relative to swimming, but that's how it goes. While I do feel for the ladies' loss of eye candy, I have no idea how to resolve your dilemma.

[ifihadahammer]

So long as I see women walking around with their thongs hanging out of the top of their shorts and their butt cheeks hanging out of the bottom of their shorts, I'm not going to complain about men covering it up.

[tedbear]

It seems like cheating to use these "new fangeled" suits. I mean a serious athlete would take issue with help like that to win, or maybe not.

[MrFiskar]

wah wah wah maybe the french used up all thier energy trash talking, instead of swimming. wah wah wah

[Fudgefase]

To hell with world records guys - let's see some skin again! These long, ripped torsos were fab - the suits are just ugly and make you look like machines.
C'mon lads. Make this old lady's day!