Not two days ago, my husband and I were talking about our birth plan. I brought up the fact that I wanted to have a doula. He duly asked, "What's a doula?" I explained that she was a cross between a midwife, a coach, a mentor and a super hero for pregnant women. She would be an extra set of hands around during the birth if something, God forbid, goes wrong and she would be there after to help with the transition period of going from no baby to having a screaming, crying, pooping miracle in our lives. I also mentioned that she probably would be an out-of-pocket expense, as insurance doesn't typically cover them. To which my normally super-intelligent husband replied, "You don't need a doula. You'll be fine. I'll be there. I've helped out when cows were being born on the farm I grew up on in Australia." (Insert needle on the record scratch here!!!)
For the record, I didn't immediately start yelling at my husband. I did stare in silence for a good 5-7 seconds, giving him ample time to see if he'd realize his faux pas and jump back in the conversation with a, "I was just kidding, Honey." He did not. And that is when I lost my mind. I don't remember verbatim what I said, but it was something along the lines of, "Are you f*@#ing kidding me?! You're comparing the birth of your first child to the birth of a calf on your farm?! Which by default means you're comparing me to a cow?! How dare you call me a heifer you cheap bastard! Don't talk to me! In fact don't even look at me right now. I can't believe you!"
Hindsight is 20/20, and looking back now, I'm certain that I read a little more into his comments than I needed to. But I think we all (at least anyone who has been pregnant) can unanimously agree that that was some dumb s#!t to say to your pregnant, bloated, emotional wife who's excited and somewhat nervous about expecting her first child. Am I right?
I knew I couldn't be alone in this, so I polled some of my friends to see what brilliance came out of their significant others un-filtered mouths. Here are some other dumb things husbands/partners have said to the women carrying their seed:
A girlfriend who is currently six months pregnant with their third child had her husband recently say to her: "Wow, your arms don't look as big as usual, since you're stomach is sooo big." He quickly apologized and insisted that she took it the wrong way. Um, how was she supposed to take it?!
Another friend's husband had the audacity to tell her, "I think you need to be back on your depression medication." Yeah, that or find a different man to help her raise her baby.
While expecting their first child a friend's husband said, "Why do you need to read a book about this?" Now that the baby is 4 months old he's constantly coming to her for answers. She also got more gems from her hubby like, "Why are you always so tired?" But the classic came while her head was in the toilet bowl, "Vomiting again, huh?" Gee, what do you think, dumbass?
Although she was done with the pregnancy part, a dear friend's now ex-husband takes the cake for most obnoxious behavior. While she was breastfeeding this jackass made moo-ing noises. Really??!!
One of my favorites comes from dear friend comedian Kerri-Louise and mind you her husband is a comic, too. While she was in the hospital in labor and clearly in pain, he said to her, "Stop moaning, people are going to think we're having sex in here!" That's a classic. And she surprisingly still speaks to him.
While pregnant with her second child, one of my best friends and fellow comedian Mary Kennedy had her husband say to her, "You really should take your gay best friend to labor and delivery -- been there done that." I am pleased to say that he did end up going and they are still VERY married.
But the first place winner of dumb shit said to their pregnant wife goes to the husband of one of my Facebook friends. He said, "I have to go to Philadelphia for this training thing for work right around your due date. Don't worry though, 'cause I'm flying my mom in from Ohio to stay with you that week 'just in case'. But don't worry I'm one plane flight away. Labor lasts for HOURS and sometimes ALL DAY so if you go into labor I'll still get there on time!" Oh, he's a keeper!!!