I sat with Susan, a petite and lively 85 year old and talked about growing up in the rural south, her work and her two marriages. Susan, despite a daunting array of health problems, is a funny, lively person. She likes a drink or two and enjoys her activities with friends in her assisted living community.
But the atmosphere changed in an instant when I asked her, "What advice would you give for having a good relationship with your grown children?" Susan became very still, holding her breath. Then words nearly exploded from her, and she pounded her hands in frustration on the arms of her chair.
I don't know, I don't know! I did something wrong, I'll tell you right now! Because I don't hear from either one of my kids. I don't even -- I never hear from them. And it hurts like crazy. Why do you think that is? Do you have any idea?
Susan did have a possible explanation for the estrangement from her children:
I think when I married the second time it was such a different life, it was such a different life from what we had lived before. And I was so occupied, and we went all the time, and my life was so busy so I lost track of them, being close to them. They weren't exactly unhappy about it; we just had nothing in common anymore. And after I married again -- I don't think they really resented my second husband, but they just didn't have anything in common.I think that's where it began. But I do wish I'd hear from them more often now, yes I do!
Among the saddest people I met in interviews with older Americans for the book "30 Lessons for Living" were those living in this situation. The destruction of the parent-child bond was a persistent source of melancholy, a feeling of incompleteness that weighed down the soul. And the one failed relationship is not necessarily mitigated by having warm, fulfilling ties with other offspring. Almost all of the elders who found themselves with one child who was "lost" to them or with whom there was "bad blood" felt unresolved or incomplete. Such feelings only became more acute as they neared the end of life.
Fortunately, the elders interviewed for the project offered suggestions from their long experience for avoiding family rifts or patching them up before they occur. Here are several of their tips:
See the potential rift early and defuse it.
The elders acknowledge that once the rift sets in, it takes on a life of its own and becomes much more difficult to repair. The time to act is when the first warning signs show themselves. Martha, 74, who had a major blow-up with her son and daughter-in-law, said: "I should never have let things deteriorate the way they did. Looking back, I could see problems brewing and I couldn't hold back from criticizing my daughter-in-law." Parents of adult sons and daughters need to ask themselves: Is the battle worth it? The elders told me that usually it's not.
Act immediately after the rift occurs.
The elders warn that the viewpoints of both parties harden quickly; in a relatively short time it becomes easier not to make the effort to reconcile than to try to do so. The new reality sets in fast; therefore, the time to "make things better" is as soon as possible after the blow-up.
Janice, 72, spoke about her problems with her daughter Gloria: "After our big fight, I should have had a heart-to-heart with Gloria right away. After a week or two, we were both so angry -- and I guess hardened -- that it was terribly difficult even to start a conversation."
In contrast, Maria, 82, was very disappointed and angry at her son, because he would not help Maria care for his father during his last illness. But she decided to act as soon as possible. She sat down with him and told him exactly how she felt, allowing a reconciliation to take place. "It's worth it," she told me, "not to feel like I might lose what I have that's good with my son."
It's often the parent who needs to compromise.
I am well aware that this sounds unfair; however, in my review of the accounts of intergenerational rifts, it's usually the parent who pays the higher price if a rift occurs. Older mothers and fathers tend to invest more in the relationship as they get older and therefore stand to lose more by letting it disintegrate. Particularly acute is the separation from grandchildren that can occur as a result of the rift.
Many elders recommended that parents try their best to "forgive the unforgivable." Some have had the worst happen, stood on the brink of the rift and decided that it still wasn't worth the end of the relationship with the child.
So here's a key life lesson from America's elders: Avoid the rift. Of course, it is possible that a child's behavior is so damaging or dangerous for a parents' physical or mental health health that separation is needed. But the elders tell us that rifts usually occur over less extreme matters that seem important at the time but are almost never worth the pain of separation when you reach your later years.
Follow Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@karlpillemer
All I can do as a child is forgive my parents for not being perfect, forgive myself for not being a perfect child or parent and try with all my heart to just love and forgive inspite of the pain.
I can not control how others will act or not act. Healing takes time.
Stacey- Happy Birthday! The Sorority people miss you. Love, Mom
P.S. You were never put to bed with a strange man. The only strange man in our lives was your dad.
What???? (She was told over 20 years ago that on a family boat trip on a friend's boat, I was told to take a nap with a man I did not know -by her. He molested me. I was 5 years old. She basically handed me off to that guy.) One response to this letter was, "She's basically calling you a liar!" Yup. She is. Why would I want to continue having a relationship with someone who insists on minimizing my pain so that she can create more? That would be masochistic. Sometimes the parent makes a mistake and needs to just ask for forgiveness and try not to repeat the error. In this case my mother doesn't feel she is in error. Therefore, she doesn't get to speak with me.
It's against the principles of mothers to admit being wrong. They would rather cut off all ties than to say they are sorry, and really mean it.
After many years of misery I divorced the man I married because my sons begged me to do so; he is such a wonderful father but had an unfaithful mother and wife so I feel I didn't have a chance to begin with. I didn't know these things when we married. Ironically, he says they aren't answering his calls either.
My sons had been very encouraging about my starting a new life (I'd been legally separated 4 years), asking me to long visits frequently. I am seeing a man now who I've known all my life and we are very happy together so that has to have something to do with it - but they won't even talk to me.
Mid-July they had me come to enjoy their birthday gift of Harry Potter marathon week, then said I might as well stay into September since they needed a house and dog sitter while they vacationed. I cooked and cleaned while there as usual, spent lots of time away with friends and left the youngest's house in gorgeous order for his return.
They gave me a lovely barbecue with local family & friends when I left to attend my divorce court. Now we're not speaking?
You may think you're an expert but this one's got all my close friends baffled. If I knew what I was supposed to be sorry about, I might.
I had severe lupus for 17 years, been negative for 5. It may be that they're afraid I'll get sick again and think they'd be stuck caring for me even though I chose a long-term facility years ago. Who knows?
with no light at the end of this horrible tunnel. My grandkids will never even know their maternal grandmother.
My parents did spend a lot of time with my son Unfortunately mother used her time with my son undermining my efforts and I was not aware until too late. My relationship with my son has deteriorated over the years and is not what I want it to be. No specific incidents occurred. The stress of all this coupled with a trying life has taken a toll on my health. But it is the relationship with my son that has left me deeply broken. I have no new ideas or skills with which to improve the situation and avoid making the situation worse. I resolve myself to step aside and let things be and be happy to know my son has a wonderful family,they are all healthy and successful.
It's one thing to feel bad about not connecting but it's another thing entirely to actually make the effort to do it. (I suppose I could be considered guilty of doing the same thing, but I'm not the one lamenting about wanting to connect. He was absent most of my childhood so it's hard to miss something that was never there.)
Unless there is something really terrible and real harm will come to the child, it is wrong to destroy the parent-child relationship. Your ex is completely wrong and she could end up paying a high cost for her selfishness. When your kids grow up they may be able to see for themselves without her interference. Keep trying. Your persistence might just pay off too. Good luck!
My mother and I didn't see or speak to each other the last 15 years of her life. She was a manipulative and cruel woman who went out of her way to split off family members from each other. It's been six years since her death and it will take the rest of our lives to clean up the devastation she left behind. There's one family member we can't even find. We know that he's alive, but has had a hard life. We've tried making contact, but he refuses to have anything to do with any of the family. Can't say as I blame him, but so much has improved in the six years since she died, but he doesn't know.
Not talking to some one is like having a temper tantrum that noone can see. I say if someone has a problem with me they can tell me themselves or keep pouting. That's not going to change it. Oh dwell. Good luck with your brother too.