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Karl Frisch Headshot

The 12 Republican Days of Christmas

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NEWT GINGRICH
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This year, the Republican nominating contest has been the gift that keeps on giving. With Christmas and the Iowa Caucuses just around the corner, and since I was not raised by wolves, I know one should always say thank you after receiving a gift. In the spirit of the season, here is that thank you.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, one wild-eyed Iowa straw poll winner. From the "pray the gay away" clinic Michele Bachmann runs with her extremely masculine husband Marcus, to her gaffes-a-plenty campaign -- who can forget the time she confused John Wayne and serial killer John Wayne Gacy? -- it has been a delight watching the Bachmann campaign collapse.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two Newt Gingrich mistresses. This week the former Speaker signed a pledge by an Iowa anti-gay hate group to deny marriage equality to same-sex couples and "uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others." So, Gingrich can hop from wife to wife, leaving each for his next mistress, but law-abiding, committed gay and lesbian couples can't even have one marriage?

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three federal departments that Rick Perry would shut down -- specifically, Commerce, Education and ummm, oops. At this point, even die-hard supporters would have to admit that all of the swagger in Texas could not help Governor Perry debate his way out of a paper bag.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four Herman Cain sex scandals. In a matter of only days, we learned that the National Restaurant Association paid big money to at least two women who claimed Cain had sexually harassed them. Then a third woman came forward claiming the same treatment. Cain was finally forced from the race when an Atlanta woman came forward alleging a thirteen-year affair.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, five golden rings from Tiffany's on Gingrich's charge account. Which was thoughtful when you consider the Gingrich's already owe the luxury jeweler a reported $500,000.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, six Google entries before finding Rick Santorum's campaign website. For years now, those searching for Santorum's official website have instead found scores of websites claiming his name is actually a gay sexual neologism. Not surprising since the former Pennsylvania Senator talks about gay sex more often than I do and I'm an out and proud gay man.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, seven year olds working the halls of elementary schools as janitors. Well, not yet, but if Gingrich had his way we'd be kissing away our child labor laws because they are "truly stupid." His words.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eight Republican primary debates a week. Seriously, how many debates can possibly be left? I'm guessing the number is in the high 80's like the average GOP primary voter's age.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 9-9-9. That would be Cain's plan to create a 9 percent federal sales tax and raise income taxes on the poor while lowering them for the super rich. Questioned about the impact his plan would have on basic needs like food, Cain said the poor could eat "used" food to save money, which is sort of like telling folks, "let them eat poop!" Man, I miss this guy.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a 10 thousand dollar bet. Willard Mitt Romney never fails to show his complete inability to connect with average Americans. How else do you explain his flippant $10,000 wager in a recent debate? For those counting at home, that's 25 of John Edwards' famous $400 haircuts, which the media just could not get enough of in 2008.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment in the dumpster. President Reagan said his 11th commandment was "thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican," and like many of the commandments broken thus far by the 2012 Republicans, this one is sure to be broken many times over by campaign's end.

And finally...

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, the twenty-twelve reelection of President Obama.

Happy holidays.

Karl Frisch is a syndicated columnist and Democratic strategist at Bullfight Strategies in Washington, D.C. He can be reached at KarlFrisch.com. You can also follow him on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus and YouTube, or sign up to receive his columns and updates by email.

Distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. For information on carrying Karl's columns, click here.

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