From my professional and personal experience, I have observed four phases to a divorce or the ending of an intimate relationship. Mine started with the:
n break-up
1. a separation or disintegration
I can't forget that Tuesday night call, even though we spoke every night. I was in Hawaii, working at a six-week Department of Defense contract at Pearl Harbor, when my husband called. "We have to talk," he said, followed by, "I want to separate." He said, "I Love You But I Am Not In Love With You," which I have since learned is known as The Speech. Every man in America in Midlife Crisis who is about to leave his wife, except maybe two or three, parrots these words. Almost every woman who hears them thinks that her husband has a brain tumor, and worse, we wish it were so; at least then we would understand.
He said my name in such a cruel way, with such hatred in his voice, that I vowed to change it.
I recovered long enough to say, "But two days ago you told me that you loved me."
No, he was done, and said he'd be gone by the time I returned home in two weeks. I had believed we'd mated for life, sworn "till death do us part." We had our season, as Mourning Doves do, loyal through courtship, pregnancy, and building our nest. We'd incubated our young, and cared for him until he was ready to fly. It's just that it takes eighteen years to raise a son.
When I asked why, my husband spoke of the Other Woman, assuring me that, "nothing physical has happened." He'd known her for all of two weeks, and was smitten. His voice dropped to an awed whisper, "She's my soul mate. She's the bravest person I ever met; she rides motorcycles all over the world," as if my comforting a screaming child as her fingers were being amputated in a field hospital in Haiti wasn't courageous. I offered to come home, but he said, "No."
No matter the cause, the truth is simple and brutal -- he was my everything, and, unnoticed, I had become his nothing.
The devastation that occurred led to a:
n breakdown
1. an act or instance of breaking down; collapse
2. (Psychiatry) short for nervous breakdown
I was gutted, strung up like a deer on a car bumper, a victim of a hit-and-run. Later, I read in Huffington Post that Susan Pease Gadoua calls this, "the most hurtful, hateful and heinous way to exit your nuptials.... A hundred per cent of the people who come to see me after their spouse has dropped this two ton bomb on them have been nothing short of devastated, bleary eyed and incapacitated -- often for a long time."
And I was. I cried every day for nine months, long enough for a pregnancy.
The me of today was gestated in tears, brined in salt water. I grieved as though he had died, which, in some ways he had. The man I had loved was gone, replaced by one who freely revised our history, and who lied to our friends and family, and to me. I couldn't work, and could barely function. I sunk into a soup of grief, losing so much weight that I became gaunt, a ghost of myself, and a ghost to myself.
It would be easier to be dead.
Thick trees, telephone poles and cement overpasses beckoned, and it took all my will not to crash into them. Dissociated and distant, I feared that I was a menace when I drove, but it was our son, our precious boy, on the cusp of manhood, who had the accident. Driving too fast around a curve on Highway 1, he'd overcorrected, landing the car in a ditch. I can't help but imagine the car soaring over the cliff, cannonballing him into the cold waters of the Pacific Ocean. My son was shaken; the bottom of the car torn open and the radiator crushed. He'd dropped out of all his classes, and I was distraught that our marital implosion had derailed him.
My recovery began with a:
n breakthrough
1. a significant development or discovery,
When a child trusts his wings and flies away, it is a time of rejoicing. When a husband lies and skulks out, it is not. It is shaming and shameful. I fear he is doomed to remain a chicken -- quailing, frightened, and small. No matter how bad things were, ending our marriage over the phone, with no warning, is not a Midlife Crisis. Call it what it truly is -- Midlife Cowardice.
I realized, no matter what I had or hadn't done, that I didn't deserve this. No one does. The shame is his, not mine.
My insights catapulted me into a:
n. Breakover
1. A term coined by the editors of Huffington Post to describe reinvention, a make-over after a break-up. Breakover is what arises after one's life is re-examined and transformed.
I'm Katie now. After a year, I moved to a boat in Sausalito, downsizing from a three-story house to a living space that is ten feet by twenty-three feet, keeping only the things that I loved. My new berth gives me a view of Mt. Tamalpais, Sausalito and Belvedere. I see a skyline of masts. On the boat, I'm gently rocked to sleep each night, cocooned in a blue and turquoise womb. Cormorants and herons visit, and new friends abate my loneliness. I still travel, with myself as my anchor, not him any longer. I try not to think of him. I want to focus on my new life, not his.
I walk every day and have kept off the forty pounds I lost. I finished writing my novel, am painting, and have signed up for a drawing class. Maybe the tears were cleansing, because I feel like a mermaid, swimming in the clearing waters of my psyche, not a pickle as I feared. My life is simple now, and when the fog lifts, the boat is filled with, as John Muir said, "holy, beamless, bodyless, inaudible floods of light." I've found the holy, and am working toward wholeness. And our boy? I know he'll make it, that his sweet spirit will triumph. As will mine.
Katie
1. Bomb Drop (Break-Up)
2. Panic & Anxiety (Breakdown)
3. Realization of Loss
Then there are pathways…
Becoming a Victim
4. Suppression: I’m not going to deal with this right now.
5. Anger
6. Justice & Revenge—the need to destroy
This leads to…
Hell hath no fury…
Becoming the Scorned Woman
7. Rewrite Story: define heroes & villains
8. Justified Aggression
A person can step off of that negative cycle at anytime onto...
Forgiveness
1. Mourning & Expressing Grief
2. Accepting Loss & Confronting Fears
3. Understanding the Betrayer’s Story
4. Self-Reflection
5. Choosing to Forgive
6. Recognize Mutual Responsibilities
7. Integrate Experience and Transform Identity
• Finding Purpose: Survivor’s Mission, Meaning in Suffering
8. Moving Toward Reconciliation
This does not have to mean a reconciled marriage.
Your Breakthrough and Breakover are part of the Path of Forgiveness.
Rollercoasterider: Standing Coach
www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com
Midlife transformation (I don't like "crisis") isn't inevitable, but it frequently occurs in both men and women. I think that the keys to successfully navigating such periods in life are to draw closer to loved ones (especially spouse), increased quantity/quality of communication, much introspection, and avoidance of stupid acts (affairs, large purchases, career changes).
I thought that this was an excellent article. I haven't experienced a divorce (and I never want to), but I admire the author for working through a very difficult time in her life.
Midlife transformation (I don't like "crisis") isn't inevitable, but it frequently occurs in both men and women. I think that the keys to successfully navigating such periods in life are to draw closer to loved ones (especially spouse), increased quantity/quality of communication, much introspection, and avoidance of stupid acts (affairs, large purchases, career changes). It's no fun while going through a midlife transformation, but it's great on the other side! I can honestly say that I love my life -- and wife -- more than ever.
Yes, he's demanding spousal support and hundreds of thousands of dollars (far beyond any resources I have) but SuperDad says "I would never ask for child support; I can take care of my son!" (We have 50/50 custody.) Also "I would never leave my son." (Well why can't you tuck him in on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday? That's right, because you left!)
Yeah, what a man.... this from an Eagle Scout who introduced his lover and her children to his cub scout troop at our home while I was out of town... long before he thought to mention her to me.
Midlife Selfish Jerks is what these people are, regardless of their sex (or their attempts to get it!)
Karen McMahon, Divorce Coach
www.karenmcmahon.com
Katie
And I can also tell you, that those 'holy, beamless, bodyless, inaudible floods of light'' will only continue to get stronger and deeper. There is real healing and freedom ahead. Keep going.
mama
www.eatthestrawberries.com
You cannot believe what these people are saying about you. They are doing this to cover their own bad behavior. This method is transparent to all who see it and you must know that you did no wrong. It is much more difficult to take the higher path than to sink into anger and hate. The higher path is the one that will free you from this eventually and let you continue life. The other choice is to be crippled by anger and fear indefinitely.
I have come to not mind that she left, but the cowardly way she left for a higher ranking co-worker. I feel badly for the cliche' her life has become. Mid life cowardice is exactly, exactly correct. All she would have had to do was be honest, and much pain (and money) would have been saved.
You made it. You survived your husband's mid life crisis. Congratulations. I am also a survivor of said affliction.
Not that this is any comfort to you, I realize. I also know that it's not the worst being told you will never go home again, never be more than an occasional visitor to your kids' again, and yet must continue to pay your former partner or face prison. Still, it's pretty bad, I think most divorced fathers would agree. (I don't expect divorced mothers to agree. They seem to think it's far worse to be married to someone who doesn't appreciate them adequately.)
Tina ( www.onemomsbattle.com )
It truly is a world wide web, isn't it?
I am sorry for your pain, and hope that you are on the journey of healing.
You can contact me through my website, KatieAmatruda.com
Take good care, and let's talk,
Katie
Looking forward to hearing from you :)
Katie