Warning: the following points may not entirely equip you to dress for the spring...
1. Minimalism is over
Six months ago, the major theme of the autumn/winter shows was minimalist, grown-up dressing. But if you haven't done your autumn/winter shopping yet, hold your horses, it's gone again -- or it will be for next spring. Just bought a camel coat? Sorry, don't shoot the messenger. Instead, get yourself a wacky fruit print (see below) or a baroque monkey a la Prada. Because who doesn't look good in a wacky fruit print? Um...
2. The seventies are back
It all started at Marc Jacobs in New York, but soon the flares were everywhere. For anyone who actually remembers the 70s, however dimly, this is horrifying news. Please let us not forget that this was the decade taste forgot. Is anyone pleased by this trend?
3. Fashion editors have taken to Twitter
Have you ever admired the je ne sais quoi chic of Carine Roitfeld of Vogue Paris or the eccentrically-attired Anna dello Russo of Vogue Japan and wondered, "What goes on in those super-stylish heads?" Wonder no more. The answer, it turns out, is incredibly annoying platitudes and excessive punctuation, at least if we can believe their Twitter feeds. Either generated by an automatic aphorism generator or by a hapless assistant whose sole job is to empty Chinese fortune cookies and open vintage Hallmark cards, Carine Roitfeld's feed includes priceless tokens of wisdom such as: "Be unique, because you are different.. but don't be different for the sake of being unique" and "Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it". Anna, meanwhile, has an alarming fixation with capital letters that gives the impression that she's SHOUTING at you ALL the TIME.
4. Thin is no longer in
Jean-Paul Gaultier sent Beth Ditto of Gossip down the catwalk, plus-size model Crystal Renn took to the catwalk for Zac Posen and 53-year old Inès de la Fressange walked for Karl Lagerfeld, a man who last year announced that the size zero debate was the preserve of "fat mummies sitting with their bags of crisps in front of the television." Stunt casting or genuine attempts to widen the catwalk definition of beauty? Call me cynical, but I'll believe the former until more than a couple of celebrities are called in to ensure those vital column inches.
5. Fruit is fashionable
Anna dello Russo of Vogue Japan wears it on her head. Miuccia Prada put bananas on her prints. Stella MacCartney put oranges and lemons on hers. You're still eating it? You're so last season.
6. Green is the new black
The Green Shows in New York, Estethica in London and the Ethical Fashion Show in Paris all showed how far ethical fashion has come from the knitted hemp ghetto it once inhabited. Shame on you Milan, where's your contribution?
7. You can never start too young
Only a few seasons ago I thought front row blogger Tavi was young. But after fashion show appearances by Willow Smith -- daughter of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith -- and the news that eight-year-old Romeo Beckham is to design his own sunglasses line, she seems positively decrepit. Which makes me geriatric.
8. Event planning is a dark art
Tom Ford banned photographers at his debut womenswear show. Odd, you might think. Until you consider the result: leaked photos, word-of-mouth hysteria on the celebrity-tastic models and gushing praise left, right, and center.
9. Eating is in
But only if your canapes match your shoes, as at Prada.
10. Planning is out
Note for all the endless fashion editors/writers/bloggers/stylists complaining about their camel coats being too hot for September in New York/London/Paris/Milan: are you familiar with the concept of a weather forecast? And camel coats? Don't you know minimalism is out?