06/14/2007 10:24 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Psssst! I won't tell you what I had to do to get it, but I finally
secured the secret formula for the Gay Bomb! And just in time for Gay
Pride Month! Okay, I'll tell. It involved a bunch of tequila and a
recent visit with some fly-girls from the Air Force's Wright
Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio. That's all the freedom of information
you're getting.

Apparently the military has a program to develop non-lethal weapons:
e.g. mega-ton tasers, stare-downs from Mr. Karen Hughes, what not.
Non-lethal weapons are so thoughtful, if a tad late for thousands of
Iraqis. The Air Force requested $7.5 million from the Pentagon to
develop a so-called "gay bomb" which would release a chemical
aphrodisiac to turn enemy forces gay, causing them to become more
interested in sex with one another than in fighting.

Unfortunately, I was unable to obtain the formula, also proposed at
the time by the Air Force, to make bees angry enough to attack enemy
forces. It was not clear if those attacks would come while the enemy
lovers were having sex. Which is just plain mean. As you know, the
Air Force Academy is located near Utah, the Beehive [not hair] State
There must have been concern that the bees would flee their collapsed
colonies, illegally migrate across borders and attack some yummy
Mormon sister-wives.

The Gay Bomb proposal, per usual, has nothing to do with women.
Because it takes a bit more than an incoming canister of eau de Tom
Ford, a soupcon of Rufus Wainwright qua Judy Garland and some K elixir
to flip women soldiers into lesbians. Hint: if you leaflet U.S. women
with promises to pay their full student loans and faster than you can
say "Private Benjamin", you'll have a lean, mean fighting lezbeen
machine. Turns out everyone loves multipocketed camo pants.

News of the Gay Bomb had surfaced back in 2004 and has resurfaced in
tandem with the renewed political need for a gay wedge [AKA
get-out-the-base-vote] issue. Tired old Don't Ask, Don't Tell is the
new Gay Marriage. It is so 2004. And so desperate.

The tide might be turning. Under the carpet bombing of "I Love Paris
in the Slammer" coverage, Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced
that the contract for General Peter "Homosexuality is Immoral" Pace
would not be renewed, though he could still pitch for the Yankees. In
our house, we believe that Paris Hilton works for Karl Rove.

Military recruitment goals are not being met. Five rabidly Catholic
Supreme Men who never served in a war, ruled that pregnant women must
deliver children [AKA soldiers], even if it is a threat to their
health or it is against their doctor's counsel. It's a perfect storm
of a long war. Would somebody ask Dick "Granpa" Cheney where I can
find some aluminum tubes for my Gay Bombs? I'll need some rainbow
decals too. I want to lob one into Congress. Then the Supreme Court.
Not the White House. Maybe Pierre, South Dakota.