I am Jewish. Even though Jewishness really doesn't and shouldn't lie on a spectrum, people have called me "very Jewish." I go to synagogue. I work at a synagogue, leading services with a rabbi. Sometimes people in the subway ask me if I'm Jewish. The Jews handing out Shabbat candles and propaganda booklets on campus used to stop me every time I walked by. I attribute this to my big nose and curly hair. Judaism is a much more diverse group than it's given credit for, but I just happen to fit a lot of the old ashkenazic stereotypes. This results in me getting checked out a lot by yeshiva students, especially when I'm wearing a skirt that covers my knees. I also once got harassed by a bunch of giant, blond guys in a parking lot by the beach. They kept yelling things about money at me. In my bikini, shaking from the cold and from anger, I screamed back at them. I don't know what I said.
I'm getting married in less than a month, to a man everyone assumes is Jewish. His name sounds Jewish. He looks like he could pass for Jewish. He comes to services, and he sings the prayers. But he is not Jewish. He grew up in a family that celebrated Christmas but didn't otherwise participate in Christian practices. He doesn't bother to define himself religiously or call himself an atheist. He isn't interested in entering the debate, or getting tangled in all the messy rules of identification. When he moved across the country for a job and couldn't celebrate Christmas with his family, he worked through Christmas day instead.
I always figured I'd marry a Jew. I dated about an equal number of Jews and non-Jews, but marriage was always far off, and it implied other things, like the rest of my life, and kids who would require bar and bat mitzvahs. My mother wanted me to marry a Jew. My grandmother wanted me to marry a Jew. When I joined a dating site, my mother kept trying to convince me to switch to JDate. And it wasn't just her. I got the sense from so many people that I had to marry a Jew.
Why a Jew? Because our numbers are shrinking. At least, that's what they keep telling us. Because Jewish men are just...different. Not that other men aren't sensitive, but Jewish men are maybe more likely to be sensitive. Maybe more likely to be smart. Maybe more likely to be attentive. Jews as a group have historically valued study, logical ability, artistic prowess, and social justice work. Jews win a lot of Nobel Prizes. We write a lot of books. We become concert pianists more often than you'd expect. We make a mean gefilte fish. We score better than almost everyone else on the latest Pew test to gauge how much Americans know about religion. There are one or two of us who have become famous athletes. In other words, we're a very accomplished little group of people. But beyond that, another Jew might better understand me, on a deeper, spiritual level. He might have the same commitment to our people. He would almost certainly be better able to raise Jewish children, because he'd be prepared to teach them scales and arpeggios on the piano and the blessing over the challah. He would have a special way of looking at the world that would match my special way of looking at the world. And we would live happily ever after.
One of the Jews I dated made it very clear that he looked down on me, just a little, for not being quite the right kind of Jew. My prayerbook was too egalitarian. God was not called "he." Another Jew I dated thought I wasn't devoted enough to Israel. Another thought I was too involved in ritual observance. I dated two devout Christians who thought my Judaism was perfect, fascinating, and sexy, and a Jew who agreed. The data confused me, so I tried not to think about it.
My fiancé can only play one thing on the piano. It's a snippet of the Moonlight Sonata. He can't play scales or arpeggios (so it's lucky that I can). He is extremely smart, and exceedingly attentive. He has not yet won a Nobel Prize. I fell in love with him so smoothly that I couldn't stop to wonder about his religious identity. But when I think about it, I realize that our relationship feels Jewish to me. My family emphasized study, logic, and creativity. They taught me to care deeply about social justice issues, and to be sensitive to other people's needs and situations. This was a part of our Jewishness (which is not to say that all of these things aren't also a vital part of other people's religious and cultural identities). My family taught me to value community, to treasure family, and, above all, to always question the norm. I chose a partner who is logical and studious, kind and sensitive, creative and invested in family, and, above all, able to question the norm. I questioned basic assumptions and expectations by choosing him. I exercised a skill that I consider a profound part of my Jewishness and an integral part of Judaism as a system. And I made the best Jewish match that I possibly could. My mother and grandmother seem to agree.
One day, if my partner and I have children, we will raise them Jewish. And I see no reason why his knowledge and abilities won't make their Jewishness that much richer. Who knows -- maybe they'll rebel by marrying other Jews.
Follow Kate Fridkis on Twitter: www.twitter.com/eatthedamncake
Oh come on. Is it even possible to do that ? Gefilte fish is bland, its something most people dont even know what to do with. What do they eat with it, a freaking slice of carrot. Almost every time I buy a jar of it it ends up in the garbage before I finish it because I dont really know what to put next to it on the dish that makes me want to eat it.
There, I've had my rant. Have a nice day.
There's nothing wrong with religiously mixed marriages
Just ask my Baptist-reared, TN-born wife :-)
Judaism is important to you in principle and practice; your fiance supports it and participates, so your kids stand a good chance of inheriting and transmitting the faith.
You are most certainly the exception though. Most Jews who intermarry do so presumably because transmitting the faith is not a top priority. For the vast majority of intermarried Jews, even if some of their kids inherit the faith, they stand a very small chance of desiring to transmit it. Certainly within 2-3 generations, their families will no longer be Jewish.
So while it sounds like your path may work well for someone as strongly rooted in her Jewish faith as yourself, it is not a recipe for success with particularly favorable odds when it comes to assuring a broader future for Jews as a distinct group, culturally or religiously.
I wish you all the happiness your lives can hold!
But if you're committed to raising your children as Jews, and he shares that commitment (even though he isn't Jewish), things can work out.
The biggest problem, as I see it, is a failure of people to take stock of themselves and figure out what their core values are. Hint: It's not what books you read, or what movies you like to watch. Those are matters of taste, not values.
The article seems to indicate that the only reason it's a "best Jewish match" is because the male fiance has apparently embraced Jewish culture, resembles a Jewish person in appearance and name, and has agreed to raise any future children in the Jewish faith.
My point stands.
I am the product of a mixed marriage. My mom is Romanian Orthodox. My dad is Catholic. They've been happily married for 40 yrs.
My marriage is a mixed marriage. I'm Catholic. He's Protestant. Our kiddos are Catholic. We've been happily married for 11 yrs.
And this weekend, hubby and I attended the wedding of 2 dear friends who are completely head over heels in love with each other. She is an atheist Chinese national. He is a Greek-Othodox greek-American.
What is more American than these examples?
Mazel tov to you and your fiance. May you always have many happy and healthy yrs together.
My parents are practicing Muslims, however my sister married a down to earth Buddhist from Nepal, and we were all accepting because at the end of the day, she mad the choice, and she was happy...however my grandmother was up in arms, and went crazy...that didn't stop them from getting married... however I always get the suspicious eye from my grandma whenever I come home with a guy friend...I have to let her know he is just a friend...however she really wants me to marry someone from my background...As for me I marry for love, regardless of who he is...big taboo in my community and very rare, but I love the fact that I can make that choice...you know how it is with immigrant communities who want to keep close to their values and customs, and family ties...not so much for me...
They have the beautiful son, and he is raised mostly by my side of the family...however both of his parents are more secular than religious...so he pretty much is like any other Muslim kid, with a non-Muslim dad...
All the best with your marriage!!
BTW, I bought into the stereotype that Jews make good husbands. I made my parents happy. Twice. Two very unfortunate choices on my part. My 25 year marriage to a lapsed Irish Catholic has made me very happy. We'll always have corned beef in common.
Did you choose a good man who can communicate with you and actually listen and understand your point of view? If not what value would being able to question the norm have? What value does logic have if other fundamentals are missing?
In an age where many marriages end in divorce, does it make sense for Jewish people to obsess about Jewishness in their future partners? Yes, you did not chose a Jewish man to marry, but your mother and grandmother wanted you to. Good men who would make good partners can be found in all religious traditions.