Warming Up

Caitlin Jenner has said that there is no growth without risk. I tried yesterday, to do something that for me, was terrifying. I tried once, and couldn't do it. I tried a second time, and couldn't do it. The third time, like on that game show where you can phone your friend for help with the answer, I brought a friend with me, but by that time it was approaching dusk, and it felt too late, so I went home to my Hungry Man frozen dinner and watched Caitlin on her show I am Cait say 'Face your fear, baby. It will grow you up.' ( I am taking the literary privilege of paraphrasing here.) Perhaps, unlike Jax, the wonderful writer Anne Lammott's five year old grandson, I isn't growed up yet.

There is still a part of me, frozen in time, clinging desperately to my mother's non existent apron strings, begging her not to leave me here, all alone and without agency. I am going to spend the rest of my days here on earth, to the best of my ability, being present for my tiny frozen in time little girl, and hopefully the warmth of my gaze will warm her frozen bones, and she will finally, after 58 years, be free to get 'all growed up.' And may this be true for all of your popsicle little children, my Huffington Post friends,waiting inside of you, to be growed up by the one person, the only person really, that is best suited for this task. Let's take the greatest risk of all, together. Let us believe, deep down in our core, that we are lovable, and worthy of rescue. Let's get our comfiest towel, and warm it in the microwave, and place it on our hearts and imagine our little frozen child inside of us, slowly, slowly warming.