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Kathleen Kinmont

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Take The 'Di' Out Of Divorce

Posted: 10/04/2012 12:25 pm

I just got over a divorce. To me, there's nothing more motivating than a fresh start. I'm a writer, so I know that the "real writing" takes place in the re-writing. I've learned that we don't have to be bogged down by the past, the shame of regret or the endless shoulda, woulda, coulda. We can lighten our load by mentally stepping into a brand new day, free of the baggage of a broken past. It takes some skill and practice, but when you are starting over, learning how to recover from the loss is vital. Here are some tools for getting over The Tool.

1. Sit down and shut up. This is also known as meditating. The one thing that helps me calm down and eliminate stress is lighting a candle and staring into space. Find a comfortable sitting position, lift through your lower back, relax your shoulders and lengthen the back of your neck. This puts you in a position of sitting up straight so you can gaze confidently into the unknown. Breathe deeply into your belly, and silently inhale the word "thank." Then, silently exhale the word "you." This is a mantra for the mind to focus on gratitude. Allow your mind to see people, places and things that belong with this breath of thanks. It's quite impossible to stay in fear and resentment when you are consciously going through your gratitude list. When you have said "Thank You" to all in your life, then blow out the candle and embrace your day.

2. Make a list. Lists are the quintessential way to make sure youʼve accomplished something tangible. Make a list of lists i.e., The Money Making List, The Phone Call List, The Things I've Been Putting Off List, The Things I Haven't Gotten To Do, Yet Still Want To List. Then start doing it. Do the last thing first, then everything else will seem easier. The best part is checking off the list, then rejoicing in the happy baby dance.

3. Go out and play. It's pretty difficult to be pissed off in nature. If you are going nuts in the forest, nature will not go nuts with you. It will support you by remaining still, or by allowing a gentle breeze to blow the nuts away. Nature does not stress about yesterday or worry about tomorrow, it lives and trusts that the sun will rise, the water will come, the wind will blow and all will be fine. It trusts in the fact that it carries on; regardless of stormy weather, nature prevails. So go out and take a walk in a garden, just take only pictures, leave only footprints and put out your fires.

4. Call a friend. This can be tricky in divorce, because we tend to lose certain friendships surrounding the demise of a relationship. There might be the friends who are still questioning why you got a divorce, or the ones who are still bad mouthing your ex. "Endless advice friend" is not the one, neither is the "yes man friend." Call the friend that makes you laugh and lightens your heart and encourages you to make strong, healthy choices. The best friend to call is the one who celebrates you, not tolerates you. You can go through your phone book and check off exactly who makes you feel good about yourself and who makes you feel like you need to take a hot bath.

5. Don't Cyberstalk. If you're fresh out of a failed relationship, move on and leave it alone. If you have to make contact, do it with minimal texts and even less emails. In today's world, it's easy to spy and harass -- but it's not healthy. It really makes you look crazy, especially with the law. In fact, the law has some serious consequences for harassing an ex, especially if you have dated him, lived with him, been married to him or had a child with him. There are steep fines and prison time associated with cyber stalking. For the cold, hard facts, check out this site. Going to prison for hiding behind a computer screen to vent is a lousy way to start over.

6. If this is difficult for you, go back to 1. and repeat.

 
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