Ending Blame And Criticism In Your Close Relationships

Imagine a close relationship in which nobody ever criticizes or blames! We imagined it, almost thirty years ago, but at the time, imagining was all we could do. We were both major-league critics and blamers (and if you spent a dinner hour with the families we grew up in, you'd see where we picked up the habit!)

Ending blame and chronic criticism is a task well worth taking on. According to research in marriage and relationship, the #1 slayer of intimacy is blame and chronic criticism. Marital researcher John Gottman calls criticism one of the "Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse" that spells doom in a close relationship (the other three Horsemen are contempt, defensiveness and withdrawal.) It's not just a problem in your relationships with others. Self-blame works exactly the same as blaming another person. In self-blame, you use one part of your mind as the criticizer and another part as the recipient.

As Walt Disney said, "If you can dream it you can do it," so we dreamed up the idea of eliminating blame and chronic criticism from our own relationship, as a test laboratory of whether it was even possible. We have a tradition in our work of never teaching anything to others that we haven't carefully tested in the laboratory of our relationship. Now, after many years of practice, we can proudly say we brought the dream into reality: Neither one of us has spoken a critical word to the other in at least ten years. Nobody in our house has blamed anybody for anything in so long we can't remember the last time it happened.

How did we do it? There's a secret--actually two secrets--and if you learn them, you can see a miracle happen in your living room, your bedroom and even your boardroom.

Secret #1: Open The Door With Your Commitment
It begins with commitment. Make a sincere commitment to ending blame and criticism inside yourself and around you. If you're in a close relationship, invite your partner to make the same commitment. Without co-commitment, the challenge is much tougher.

Secret #2: Practice Claiming Healthy Responsibility
Next, claim healthy responsibility for whatever issues you've been blaming the other person for. If you blame your partner for spending too much money, for example, drop the blame. Instead, claim healthy responsibility by wondering, "Hmmm, I wonder how and why I'm creating a scarcity of money right now?" or "Hmmm, I wonder why I attracted a partner with extravagant spending habits?" If you're starting to criticize your partner for not being interested in sex, stop in your tracks and wonder, "Hmmm, how did I manage to dream up a life in which people aren't begging me to have sex with them constantly?"

Ask those powerful questions with wonder, not self-blame. Wonder smooths the way for deep realizations to come to you gently.

It took us a couple of years of rigorous practice before we got good at catching criticism before it left our mouths. But you know what? It was well worth it. Instead of criticizing each other, we put that energy into positive things like writing books together, raising successful kids and having lots of good times along the way.

Comments

[Pemo]

I like to tell my clients to create 'a blame free zone' in their lives to give a safe space for them to breathe & live. In relationships it is important to agree to 'a blame free zone' which implies mutual responsibility and working together. Blame is often a resort of bullies who misuse their power to cover their own inadequacies & insecurities. Check out my post http://tinyurl.com/5sgyzq.
Pemo, Matchmaker Extraordinaire

[collegegirl19]

I sent this to my ex-boyfriend who i'm trying to be friends with now so hopefully everything will work out & the fight we are currently in will end soon. Wish me luck!

[hartkid]

ask yourself how did I dream a world where I would read this entire post...click

[Theda]

It doesn't work if you're married to someone with borderline personality disorder.

[OldKnute]

OK most of this is fairly easy.

Let"s start!

Oh and Gay and Kathlyn I will be glad to participate. BUT,, you need do something for me. Contact Huff-Po and tell them to allow my posts. AS written.

Let me open by saying,, I A GREE!

Number 1. YES,,, the commitment is everything. Men tend to Identify with what they DO,, their jobs,, their Ability to provide. Women need to be very sensitive to this. If there are money troubles,, watch the sharp tongue. Sticks and stones are easy but WORDS stay in the mind. Commitment is hard for many young men today. Marriage SHOULD be between the heart,,, BUT look around you at the devastated wreckage following a divorce TODAY. I believe "Equally YOKED" has not one darn thing to do with spiritual things,, but down here things,,, on this earth.

Number 2. Yes,, Yes,, Yes,,, a regular habit of careful, unblinking self-examination is absolutely essential. When you are wrong,, be the first to reach out. Blame is a BAD habit that discounts Number 1 and Number 2.

Sex?? Umm back to Number 1,,, she should be the focus of your world,, waking and sleeping. Most intimacy occurs OUTSIDE the bedroom anyway. That cup of coffee fixed just the way she likes in, a nibble on the ear when pulling weeds. Holding hands and watching the sunset,,, together,,, SILENTLY! Her hand in your back pocket as you window shop.

All the best

Knute Neo-LIB

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

HI Gay and Katie! What a great post! I love the consciousness you are bringing to the Living section and look forward to more contributions on how to create healthy, loving relationships. Your focus on healthy responsibility makes a great bookend to my post on Monday about moving from victim to accountability. Thanks for being part of this growing community!.