How Not To Do A Long-Lasting Relationship
While Kathlyn was in Northern California teaching a seminar this past weekend, I was on the road, too, finishing a series of bookstore and media appearances for my new book, The Big Leap. For me, the best part of doing bookstore appearances and TV/radio shows is that I get to meet a lot of people who've read our books and are putting the principles to work in their lives. It's gratifying to see so many people experiencing the power and joy of conscious relationships. Then, occasionally, I meet people who are doing their relationships the old-fashioned un-conscious way.
Yesterday while I was waiting for a plane I struck up a conversation with a pleasant fellow in his sixties who asked me what I do for a living. I told him about the book tour and showed him a copy of the book. He glanced at it and said that he should write a book because he and his wife had been married 43 years. "I learned a secret the first year we were married, and I'm sure it's why we've stayed together all these years." Of course, my ears perked up; I'm always eager to hear about a new principle or technique that contributes to long-lasting relationships. His secret, though, needs to be taken with a grain of salt (or perhaps an ocean's worth of salt!) I'll do my best to re-create our dialogue below.
"Yes," he said, "Right away after we got married I realized that it was important to my wife that she be right all the time. It didn't matter what the subject was, as long as I was always wrong and she was always right. If I thought I was right about something she made my life miserable."
"So, how did you handle that?" I asked.
"Simple," he said. "I just decided to always be wrong and got used to it. Whatever comes up, I'm wrong. Simple as that. You just gotta go with the program."
"And you've been happy for 43 years doing it that way?" I asked incredulously.
"Oh, hell no," he said. "I don't think I've been happy for a single day. But at least we stayed together." Then he said goodbye and went off to queue for the plane.
For more information on Kathlyn and Gay's work, go to www.hendricks.com.
Write to The Hendricks at huffpost@hendricks.com
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My husband and I have been together 23 years mainly because we know we are better as a team than we are apart - we tried it.
We have learned that most of the time we are both right based on our understanding. It is very important to own your perspective and be prepared to be partially wrong because you didn't have all the information. Have a sense of humour and apologise for not putting your mindreading glasses on when things don't go as expected!
In our house the sense of humour can sometimes cross a line at which point the person feeling wounded says "that was a bit below the belt I don't think I deserved that" and the quality of the compliments and contributions is lifted.
Also my husband is not much of a reader so it is through my sharing and changed behaviour that he learns. As Gandhi said "Be the change you long to see".
Hope this helps.
Yuck. If it takes that much shrinking to keep the relationship intact, what's the point? It's unfortunate that society trumpets longevity over quality and real heart connection. I wonder what would have happened if he had spoken up and not avoided the issue. In this case, probably it would have ended their relationship. Then, maybe he would have found a new partner with whom he'd risk saying what he felt, and who actually wanted to hear his truth. Or, you never know, maybe it would have opened a new level of communication and passion with his wife. But if you stay silent, you'll never know. And what's a relationship for, anyway? Just to put "We were together 50 years" on the tombstone?
I was in a horrible marriage for 23 yrs. The only thing worse than being a slow learner: one who never learns. I finally decided I deserved better, got out.
I spent several years really working on myself, NOT looking for Mr. Right. I studied Ayurveda, which gave me insights into what a bad match my first husband was for me and what type would be a better one.
After 3 yrs. of study, I moved to my new location. Three months later I met a very nice man who is now my husband. We've never had a fight. He's never said a harsh word to me. I can occasionally get a bit cranky, but he just doesn't respond in kind. I immediately recognize what I'm doing and change my tone. I frequently notice my need to be right. I'm now happy to acknowledge when I'm wrong.
From my study of Ayurveda, I've learned that same wonderful easy going aspect of him is expressed in other areas of our lives. Where I want to be decisive and proactive about everything, he is more likely to let certain things just be. I now understand that the qualities that I love about him come with some that I'm not quite so enthusiastic about. He, like all of us is a total package.
I've been telling him since right after we got married that: "He's the best!" That's right. Not the best man in the whole world, but the best for me.
I think the secret of a successful long relationship is being able to laugh at yourself and with your mate ,not to laugh at them .
See Ed and Deb Shapiro's Profile
I have run into many older gents who talk like that and are joking- it sounds like something a relative would say yet didn't mean a word of it.
This is a type of way New Yorker's communicate. I tink he was pulling your leg but who knows -
I always appreciate your blogs-
Deb and I were in England when you came to our neck of the woods. Sorry we missed you.
Our new book with you and Kathlyn in it will be published Nov 3rd.
BE THE CHANGE
How Meditation Can Transform You and the World
HH the Dalai Lama & Robert Thurman wrote the Forewords
Big Love,
Ed
"I don't think I've been happy for a single day, but at least we stayed together."
Wow....
As a single woman, I'd much rather stay single than live like that.
Without a sense of humor, you probably will stay single..... Think Henny Youngman. Youngman's wife, Sadie Cohen, was often the butt of his jokes ("My wife said to me, 'For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen!'", or "my wife's cooking is fit for a king. (gesturing as if feeding an invisible dog) Here King, here King!") but in reality the two were very close, with Sadie often accompanying her husband on his tours. Youngman remained married for over sixty years until his wife's passing in 1987, after a prolonged illness. While she was ill, Henny had an ICU built in their bedroom, so she could be taken care of at home, rather than in the hospital (Sadie was terrified of hospitals).
You guys all miss his point. His point is that it is the relationship that matters, not who is right. He puts the relationship first and doesn't care about being right or wrong.
If instead, you put the relationship last and insist on being right about who let the dog out, you will end up making both of you miserable, if not divorced. What consolation would it be for this guy if he ended up divorced, but right about who let the dog out? Why is that so important?
Does being right lead to happiness? I think we erroneously believe that the ego leads us to happiness when the world's wisdom traditions teach that it is the lack of ego that leads to happiness.
I think he needs to not only give up saying that he is right, but he also needs to give up the idea that being right has any importance or is necessary for his happiness. Then, without any attachment to the ego, he'd be free to be happy.
But he has been miserable every single day.
I think the gentleman may have been joking a bit. It reminds me of something my Irish grandfather would say to my German grandmother. And yet, as he lie on his deathbed at the age of 82 after 60 years of marriage, he reach out his hand to her, called her "Mother" (they called each other Mother and Father - 7 kids), and quietly passed....... I miss them.
You shouldn't let go of being right if you actually are right.
The problem in many relationships isn't that men don't listen, but rather women don't express the things they want. They expect their man to just know from hints, telepathy etc...It doesn't work that way.
Maybe you are right and we women tend to be that way by nature. I can recall when I was small pouring over the Sears Christmas catalog with all my wishes and thinking my parents were going to fulfill them. So I never hinted and I never asked, and I was disappointed pretty regularly.
What a totally depressing tale. Pointless to live like that.
Don't settle.
Find someone you love who loves you, and knows how to love you; love them back.
Completely agreed JohnDoe, don't settle don't take your partner for granted, and don't let them take you for granted.
Okay, so what is the solution? How do you get your partner to let go of being right all the time? And while I'm at it, let me ask this: Are men supposed to "just know" what their partner wants, or do women really have to tell their partner what they want every single time? Any advice (including previous articles) would be much appreciated. Thanks!
Buy one of their books and learn how to communicate...and make sure your partner is enrolled in doing so as well.
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