How To Handle Political Differences In Relationships

Most of us grew up learning to avoid speaking about politics and religion in public. Many of us also remember the dinner-table squabbles with parents who just "didn't get it" about music, the current administration or really anything else that was truly cool. But few of us have had adequate preparation for political divisions with our romantic partners. Have you ever had a relationship derailed by discovering that the other person is so misinformed as to disagree with your clearly superior opinion about some issue? Is it possible to love someone deeply, yet deeply disagree about the direction the government should be taking?

First, understand that arguing about politics is one of the common pastimes in the world. Wise pundits have observed that throughout history there have only been two political parties: the evil one and the stupid one. As Democrats ourselves, we often criticize the dumb moves made by our party, but no matter how stupid those moves sometimes seem to be, they never seem downright evil. From many dinner-table discussions with our parents, some of which were just as heated as the tuna casserole to which we were being subjected, we learned early in life that Republicans have exactly the same view in reverse. They thought the Republicans often did dumb things, but the truly evil party was the Democrats. If you are in a relationship with someone from the evil party, you need some extra help in navigating those tricky shoals.

The most important consideration might be summed up this way: does this issue really matter? Kathlyn says: "Having first voted in 1968, I've had several decades of experience with the political roller coaster. I remember truly thinking that western civilization would collapse when, for example, Nixon won. I had the same feeling when Reagan won. The world didn't come to an end then, but, by golly, this time it might! I found the prospect of a McCain/Palin presidency so painful to contemplate that it goaded me into levels of political action and financial contribution that are unprecedented in my life. So if you're sitting across the table from someone who isn't planning on voting for green solution candidates or the criteria you find essential, what do you do?"

Here's your best option, though it may seem counter-intuitive. Honest, feeling-ful communication has created many miracles in the three decades of our work with people going through relationship distress. Simply saying how you feel and what you are experiencing creates new openings and collaboration. This communication might sound like, "At first I was shocked when I heard your opinions, but when I really listened to myself I realize I feel sad. I don't know what to do. I feel distant from you right now. I'm scared about this gap between us."

This might not sound like bridge-building conversation, but authentic sharing actually creates intimacy quicker than anything else. Bridge-building is also furthered by the quality of your listening. Rather than righteously rebutting, you can choose to listen generously to what your partner wants. You can listen under the words to the deep intention. For example, you may hear between the spoken words that your partner wants to create safety for your children or a different career track that s/he can't quite envision yet. You can breathe and open your posture to receive from each other. You can choose to reflect what is actually being said to you rather than your opinion about what is being said. You can drop the words out and continue the conversation with sounds and gestures. You might find that you start exploring, wondering or even playing with each other about an issue you were fighting about moments before.

Follow Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks on Twitter: www.twitter.com/GayHendricks

Comments

[desertdweller]

In a perfect world, maybe folks from different sides of the frnce could more easily find common ground. But the Right, drunk with power from two consecutive presidential victories, rubbed the Left's noses in it, and went on to over-reach, hence, the Left's sense of deep resentment. Drop the McCarthy-istic jingoism and allow for society to heal from eight years of Bush and extremist GOP practices.

[tedregencia]

I made some enemies during the recent election season. I have no regrets about it because frankly I have no use for bigoted, racist and extremely hypocritical people I've ever known. So good riddance to them!

[IndependentMeans]

Take the moral value B.S. out of politics and we could all get along. Those "two" cannot be mixed.

[carolinecantoo]

Very new here. The election almost derailed my marriage. I am a former religious right wing nut bible thumper who voted for whoever Lou Sheldon told me too.We had his pamphlets handed out in church and just voted pro life and anti gay. Sorry! I just wanted god to like me. I am not that woman any longer thanks to W. The Iraq war was the deal breaker. I am very liberal and my husband is to the right of Rush. We are learning to converse on some matters and just not go there on others. My husband has always been into politics and I have not. I came to huff post for information and education. I was thrilled to see articles from Gay and Katie here. I have been a fan for a couple of years now and probably would not still be married if I had not learned to listen and hear my husband. I am very open to learning and love discovery.
While I found my own voice I am still learning to communicate effectively. I scream a lot less when I stop trying to convince and simply share my thoughts for consideration. Calm effective demeanor, Obama taught me that.

[Invox]

I agree with this article to an extent. I cut off a relationship during this campaign when I learned just how bigoted and racist he was. It seems Obama's candidacy brought it out. I clearly saw that our values didn't match up. Respectfully disagreeing on legitimate issues is fine, even healthy. Disagreeing on values? Move on.

[luvobama]

I would never, ever, ever sleep with a republican. They clearly do not know to give. No thank you.

[bellenoir55]

Amen! Truer words were never spoken!

[IndependentMeans]

Now that is advise we can heed.

[Invox]

Yep! Gotta agree.

[ohioan73]

Good article. I am realizing that its probably best to be in a romantic relationship with someone who's political leanings match your own or at least similar. I understand now that anybody who defends Sarah Palin and scoffs every time Obama or any democrat speaks on TV is probably not someone I can live with for the next 50 years. Especially when these political opinions only come out when that person is drunk. Nothing is worse for a liberal than hearing their loving, kind partner drunkenly slur and feign ignorance and concern about whether Obama pals around with terrorists, where Obama was really born, and whether or not he's a Muslim. That's a deal breaker that would cause much domestic violence, IMO.

[kellygrrrl]

DFO - DrunkenFauxOutrage - it's definitely a problem.

[eeVas]

I personally think the old adage of not talking about politics is part of our problem today. The two parties have created very strong and opposing side, and very few people are willing to find a middle ground. Part of the reason for this is we don't talk about the issues. And we also tend to listen to sources of information that favore our own world view.

But by talking about politics we learn. We learn about the opposing view, and we learn about our own view through the process of defending it. And sometimes we can find common ground.

But I do strongly agree that the conversations have to be approached in a way that no one walks away angry at the other person. I am very liberal and i have a very conservative brother. We love the sport of talking politics. But it is done in a way that at the end of the conversation - we are still brother and sister and still love each other.

[Catothemuchyounger]

I am very conservative, my wife is quite liberal. We just don't talk about politics, and whoever finds his candidate is winning this time around, makes sure not to rub it in to the one whose candidate lost. No big deal.

If you are otherwise compatible with someone, letting politics get in the way is crazy. As a conservative, I am, almost by definition, NOT a Utopian. No one's side has more than potential or incomplete answers to our problems. Serious political problems get that way because they are hard to solve, or because solving them will generally be painful or lead to other problems.

Anyone who is so sure their politics are so superior that they cop an attitude about it, has way too much confidence in what are very fallible human faculties, IMO.

[dana94591]

I don't feel superior, just better informed!!

[dana94591]

I can't help it! When people start to talk about how politically superior Sarah Palin is I have to pistol whip them. I just restrained myself at Books a million when a woman started talking about how great Sarah Palin was compared to Hillary Clinton. I held my tongue but I was thinking about how stupid this person was. Intellectually curiousity is not reflected by people like her. If she had one ounce of brains she would have to critically evaluate this woman's utterances. I just can't help it!!! With all of the time and energy that I put into learning about issues and gathering information to inform my decisions I have to conclude that people can't think for themselves. Can I fault the education system??? Maybe!!! Because in order to think critically you have to learn what it is and how to practice it!!! But I largely attribute it to the people you surround yourself with.

[dubster]

Clearly you're right! Most of the time as democrats we're far more informed and thus have superior positions because of our readying widely and extensively. As a matter of fact, a USA TODAY article a year or so ago reported a study in which it was revealed that liberals and democrats read precipitously more frequently i.e. books of all sorts, newspapers etc. And conservatives read the Bible and that's basically it (j/k - they read other books too but far less frequently and a less diversified assortment of books).

[Catothemuchyounger]

Even if that was true as a matter of statistics, it would be virtually meaningless in practical terms, because there are more than enough conservatives who read widely and deeply to hold up their end of a debate.

The fact of the matter is, as ideologies, liberalism and conservatism gain and lose ground in cycles. The ground for Reagen and Gingrich was prepared by conservative thinkers and writers, at a time when it was liberalism that seemed to be the same old, same old, bereft of new ideas. When I was in college and graduate school, in the late '70s and '80s, it was conservative thinkers who were coming into their own. Now the shoe may be on the other foot, though so far it seems to me that the Democrats have come into office because of incompetence by the Republicans leading to economic and foreign policy disasters. I have yet to hear much in the way of new ideas, though they will be necessary if the Dems are to hold on to their gains, the way the Republicans did for a while.

By the way: I am VERY conservative, and I am an agnostic who has never read the Bible, though of course, I am generally familiar with much of it due to its place as a foundation for much of politics and literature.

The way many of you guys talk about conservatives, it makes me think that you have never met any.

[cjgnew]

My wife and I once disagreed on capital punishment. I was never much in favor of it, but I believed that it was much cheaper to put a convicted criminal to death than to keep him/her in prison for life. After my wife informed me that it was in fact the other way around, I switched my position and have not reverted since then. This was a profound change for me. Had my wife and I chose to never talk about our differences, I would have missed an opportunity to grow. And I'm glad we did. We've also voted for different presidential candidates in the past, but this past year we were very much in agreement. When you love someone, though, the maturity of that love is definitely reflected by the level of respect you show to one another when you disagree on a given topic. Taking the time to listen to your partner when you are in disagreement is definitely the way to preserve a relationship in a long run.

[Social Construct]

"Have you ever had a relationship derailed by discovering that the other person is so misinformed as to disagree with your clearly superior opinion about some issue?"
Folks using the assumption of superiority when conversing about anything, much less politics, is always a communication stopper. Go ahead and feel as superior as you want but don't bellow it from your soapbox. I use a motto, "You are unique ... just like everybody else!", as a humorous, paradoxical example of how we can sometimes try to elevate ourselves above our fellow cretures. Replace "unique" with "superior" in the above and one can see the absurdity.

[Social Construct]

*creatures.

[pc51]

Yes but the "superior" people couldn't possibly be wrong. Ever. Period. "Unfortunately, people are never more sincere as when they assume their own moral superiority. They portray themselves as not merely factually correct but morally on a higher plane, as well. ( And they completely believe in themselves as the true and one and only truth tellers.) Those who differ with them are seen as not merely being in error, but in sin." -Explains the Republican worship of GWB or the Democrat version of the Obamabot. They step over into a kind of magicial Universe where they are completely and totally right and pure. Until the next time the wheel goes around and another group claims the mantle for their turn.