The Big Leap

While Kathlyn heads off to Honolulu to teach one of our 3-Day conscious loving seminars, I'm happily engaged in the run-up to the publication on April 21 of my new book, The Big Leap. It's all about what we've named the Upper Limit Problem. Between now and when the book comes out, I'd like to share with you some of the key points from it. I'll be out on the talk show circuit in April and May, and could really use your help in giving me some fresh examples of your experiences with the Upper Limit Problem (what our students affectionately call the ULP) to use on various shows. Please share them in the Comments section below.

What Is The Upper Limit Problem?

The ULP is the human tendency to put the brakes on our positive energy when we've exceeded our unconscious thermostat setting for how good we can feel, how successful we can be, and how much love we can feel. The essential move we all need to master is learning to handle more positive energy, success and love. Instead of focusing on the past, we need to increase our tolerance for things going well in our lives right now. If we don't learn how to do this, we suffer in every area of our lives. As we bump into our Upper Limit Problems, relationships suffer greatly. In fact, the greater success you achieve, the bumpier your relationship tends to be.

Some years ago John Cuber and Peggy Harroff did one of the few in-depth studies ever done on the relationships of successful people. From studying the relationships of 437 successful people, the authors found that 80% of the people they studied had unsatisfying marriages and long-term relationships. Only about 20% of the couples had relationships the authors called "Vital." The other 80% had three main styles of unsatisfying relationships:

1. Devitalized. In these relationships, the partners remained together in spite of having fallen out of love with each other years ago. They had been "going through the motions," sometimes for decades. The relationships often looked okay from the outside, but there was little or no passion between the individuals.

2. Passive-Congenial. In these relationships, the partners had never been passionate about each other in the first place. Their relationship was based more on affectionate friendship, much like business partners. Their expectations were low, so they were seldom disappointed with each other. Because of the low expectations, they didn't fight much and so remained together in a state of ho-hum harmony.

3. Conflict-Habituated. In these relationships, the partners had created a lifestyle based around constant conflict. Whether engaged in low-level bickering or heated conflict, they remained together as long-term combatants, interspersed with periods of truce. They seemed almost to thrive on conflict, which provided them with an adrenalin-infused state of ongoing arousal.

I felt a wave of despair when I first saw these findings. If these highly successful people had such dismal relationships, was there any hope for the rest of us? It's been twenty years since I first saw this study, and with those years has come considerable experience working with people and their relationships. I don't think the overall statistics are any different now than when Cuber and Harroff first published their work. In other words, I think the majority of successful people still have dismal relationships. Now, though, I know a lot more about how they got that way. More importantly, I know a lot more about how they can avoid falling into the traps that many successful people get stuck in.

I'll give you more details on how to deal with the Upper Limit Problem in my next post.

Comments

[DragonMama]

Gay - I encourage you to think about applying this (or partnering with someone else in the field) to the way women birth. I gave birth unmedicated twice, and I think the ULP issue is a major block to a lot of women who think they want to "try" unmedicated, natural birth - the fear gets in the way of the experience. I birthed without fear, and I birthed without serious pain (there was discomfort, but much of that was actually rooted in emotions, not physical sensations - and when I was able to move past the emotional blocks, labor was not painful. I had almost no pain or discomfort in the last stages of labor than in earlier stages since I had no fear of the actual pushing part, my fear was all about issues involved in getting to the pushing part because I labor very, very slowly). Now I'm trying to work out how much ULP type stuff is involved with my hesitancy about going to grad school.

[happyblubird]

My first thought is that success Or may call it intense focus, means another area of our lives suffer. Material success could be wonderful for a couple if they both shared in making the success and acknowledge each others qualities in that success.
I am going to think about this some more and will look for more of your posts. Thank you both for your thoughtfulness that improves lives!

[xradspel]

Gay - I have a friend that I used to frequently travel with, and we would generally have an awesome time until the last day of the trip. On the last day of the trip, my friend would cause some sort of uproar, always ending the trip on a sour note. It wasn't until I learned about the Upper Limits Problem that I realized this was exactly what he was doing. He was keeping the good times and high energy at the level he was comfortable with.

[kellygrrrl]

Interesting! it seems important to identify the root of where these low or tempered expectations come from.
It's not rocket science, but it's definitely not easy work to do.

[Landgeek]

I was surprised then dismayed to realize that in I have been involved in all three of those dynamics in the few long term relationships I have been in. How fascinating! I can't wait for more insight from your future posts, since I have been walking that path lately of redefining my success away from material possessions to a more holistic way of thinking.

I am finding that the road less traveled also is more interesting and has better postcards.

[nantarctica]

You are building your story on the premise that success is material, success is having more than enough. If I have more than enough, I just gotta be doing something right. Maybe I am too right! Nuts! Excess is excess. More than enough is just not enough. Enough is enough. Go home.

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for your post. What comes to my mind is how a person chooses to define success - is that in material terms, relationship terms, spiritual terms etc? Is success an image in th eworld that I have to live up to, or is it a vision of what I want that I create and hold for myself?

I am very much looking forward to your next posts on this subject. I would like to know about any Upper Limit Problem I have and how I may overcome it.

I appreciate your raising this issue.

Warm regards,
Anne

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

facinating!
Love to hear more about this topic and will be looking for the upcoming posts and new book!

Breaking the happiness barrier, "American Style" I think is the new wave of personal growth. We can't all do it the Buddhist way, we have to find our own.
I have always enjoyed your work and used your books in my previous relationship to move from married and unhappy to divorced and very good friends.
Take care
kari