"Forgo your anger for a moment and save yourself a hundred days of trouble." -Chinese proverb
Emotions are a funny and fickle thing. I've done the homework -- dated Mediterranean men, performed on stage for years and now play counselor to yoga clients every day. While emotions can be as confusing as page one of James Joyce's "Ulysses," pride may be even more complex. Pride is the godfather to emotion. If pride gets wounded then the entire machine gun wielding posse of emotion goes on a rampage to revenge pride's honor. This particular style of emotion is called anger. Anger has many fishy and questionable cousins like greed, jealousy, sadness and denial. When these cousins go too long without a proper outlet, they lash out in anger, and let's just say it ain't a pretty sight.
I recently had an onslaught of anger and judgment poured all over me. I felt just like Bill Murray in Ghostbusters -- I got slimed. I was at the center of a publicly heated debate, often having unfounded arrows shot at me while I quietly tried to morph myself into a cinnamon bun -- coiled tight, protected and compact. My safe pastry mode was then put in the oven for way too long when a loved one decided to release their hounds of rage on me as well. I was drained, overwhelmed and taking things very personally. I practiced yoga, did my meditation and breath work and it finally hit me:
These attacks weren't personal. There was no need for me to be emotional or angry.
The heated public debate and personal attack was a good, old-fashioned example of people using a scapegoat to release their undirected pain and frustration. I may have felt like the beast at the top of the castle battlement surrounded by angry, pitchfork-bearing villagers, but they weren't directly angry at me. No, they had misdirected frustrations about a deep-seeded issue in themselves. My person close to me lashed out because they have been in pain for a long time. I, on the other hand, have not. I do my best to create light and support every day, and that only made her more frustrated. They weren't angry at me, but rather at the emotions they felt when they interacted with me.
Of course, there's two sides to the coin, and depending on the flick of a wrist, you'll get a different story. It's the clash of stories that often leads to so much anger and conflict. If we could take the time to stop, slow down and breathe, there might be a moment for the smoke to clear. Once the fire is out and the smoke is gone, you'll be able to see clearly -- and not only from your side of the battlefield. As old-fashioned as it sounds, you have to imagine yourself in the other person's shoes. See where they are coming from -- not on the surface, but where they are really coming from. Anger comes from deep-seeded pain or one of its many cousins. So look past the gun show and get to the root of the problem, buried there beneath the stockpile. Then step back into your shoes and take a good look at yourself.
Why are we so angry? Is it really because of another person or situation? Or is it the way we have decided to perceive that person or situation? Is it the way someone else is treating us? Or the way we've allowed them to treat us?

And be careful. Because jealousy will drag you through the mud. Greed will prevent you from succeeding. Sadness will lure more birds of a feather to nest in your hair and denial will get you no where.
Does this mean you need to summersault through life with a permanent smile? Of course not. The second agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Four Agreements," is never to take anything personally. I think of this agreement every single day. It's easy to be on the defensive because many of us live our lives in fear. My advice is this: choose love over fear. Ask for healthy competition when you feel jealousy's beady green eyes boring into your soul. Remember generosity and karma when greed pops up. And finally, remember that we are all experiencing the same life in different forms. We all feel love, we all feel pain and nothing is permanent. Nothing.
And ultimately, see the lesson behind what we perceive to be defeat or pain. Sometimes there's even a tough but amusing inside joke the Universe will share as well. Remember to smile, step back, and see the situation from a safe distance instead of shoved right up in your face. This too shall pass--but not if you can't stop, step back and take a breather.
And never forget that there is no need to fear or be angry. Especially when you choose to learn and love instead. So go ahead, stand up to anger and choose love because that's truly all there is.
Follow Kathryn Budig on Twitter: www.twitter.com/kathrynbudig
Rev. Jeffrey Mark Golliher, Ph.D.: How Religious Wisdom Frees Us From Fear
Melanie Gorman: Got Anger? Managing Political Rage for Our Children's Sake
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/09/be-brave-with-heart/
-The Mad Yogi Poet
I absolutely do not countenance any ad hominen statements that were made against Kathryn during the heated 'debate' that she is alluding to. But that there is not a societal and cultural issue that needs addressing is to respond in bad faith.
The debate was continually side-lined by those who simply do not understand the point being made by those of us who question the use of nude women's bodies (always slim, white, and status-quo 'beautiful') to sell anything, but especially yoga and yoga 'accessories.' It's Women's Studies 101, but it seems like many in the yoga community slept through that movement!
Yoga has always been a critical voice against the status quo -- ever since the earliest yogis criticized the Brahman priests and the culture of the caste-system (it was yogis like the Buddha and Mahavira who condemned the caste system 2500 years ago!). Now, contemporary yoga is being turned into a shill for the capitalist status-quo by many.
But thankfully there are those who will not remain silent in the face of this debasement.
metta
frank jude
As I've discussed with others about "Toe Sox-Gate". Yes, Kathryn, you were unfairly targeted when the issue at hand was MUCH bigger than just the ads you appeared in. And I'm glad you were finally able to see that it wasn't personal in the least.
But rather than the above "it's actually everyone else's problem and not mine" speech (I agree with Frank), I would've appreciated an understanding of the whole saga from your perspective.
As in - the reason you accepted the Toe Sox job & the nude modelling work it entailed. It's perfectly okay if other people disagree with your choices, but understanding where you're coming from would have been more useful than what you've written here.
There are bound to be people - and I'll admit that I'm one of them - who thinks the focus on the 'slim, white, and status-quo beautiful' yogis (as Frank mentioned above) is a very cynical approach to yoga marketing. But if you're cool with it, and from your perspective as a yogi, I'd really love to hear how that works for you.
I'm positive it can't just be about the money, right? I mean, working nude is a very personal decision and I'm sure there are plenty of thoughts that go into such a decision.
Also, you had to know these ads would be controversial. Surely. Please write about how it all went down. I'd love to hear about it.
Respectfully, @yogachicky
What you advice people to do in the stated challenging situations, I would say, that is who we should aspire to be. What I mean by that is any kind of thinking or doing in response to the challenges is just another ego, the spiritual ego, lets say. Instead if we stayed with what we are really feeling, not try to fight it or justify it or change it, we will get to the bottom of what is bothering us and then transformation happens naturally, not out of our doing. The idea is to be everything you are suggesting through mindfulness and practices that create silence within us so that when we are confronted with challenging situations we dont have to think and do what we are told but our very nature is that - to be compassionate, loving, fearless...