More

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors
Kathryn Joosten

GET UPDATES FROM Kathryn Joosten
 

Talking About That Tough Subject

Posted: 01/21/10 05:46 PM ET

How do you tell people you're sick? "Welcome to the wonderful World of....." No, that doesn't work. "10 things do to while you have cancer..." Nope, can't think of that many.

"Cancer and the foods we eat". While that sounds promising it would just be a reminder to eat green things and not get totally whacked each night.

See the thing is, the word is out. Everyone knows you've been given the diagnosis. Not details just "the news". So the only thing that remains is to just grudgingly acknowledge the damn thing. Now here's where it gets interesting. If it's one of the popular cancers, like, say, breast cancer, you can throw that right into the cocktail hour mixer before dinner at the club. Trust me, everyone, even the ladies, will immediately, but slyly, look at your chest and that's where you get to throw in the casual comment about finishing up reconstruction next month.

Even guys are coming out a little more about prostate cancer, no pun intended. The thing is the other guys will grab a quick look at the area just to reassure themselves the proper bulges are there. Hell, guys do that on the tennis court where it doesn't even matter but that's where everyone wears shorts.

Nope, there is no real way to talk about a death predicted outcome, like lung cancer. You can't politely decline an invite for next summer at the lake because you might not be here. That's too much of a downer. If you're just open about it the listener immediately adopts the face they are going to use at the memorial service and tells you, with great sincerity, how sorry he is and "did you smoke?" Then you get to hear about all the people they knew who had lung cancer, who, of course, are now 'not with us' and either they smoked like the proverbial chimney or never came near a cigarette, ever, ever.

One of the best ways is to slip in some comment like, "I was talking to the guy next to me in the chemo room the other day about refinancing....." It gets the subject out there but allows the listener to ignore the required scare response and just go to the problem they've been having with their bank as well. Then later, in the car, he can say to wifey, 'You know, she looks pretty good for having cancer" And wifey can observe, "I think the wig looks terrific."

Later, after the news has been around for awhile the whole subject just begins to take on it's normal role in our lives. The next door neighbor yells across the yard, "Hey, how's it going?" and you get to say "pretty good" and then he finishes with a big thumbs up and a "you're looking great" and you are. The big dark monster that sat on your shoulder at the start of this menacing expedition has become one of those pesky no-see-ems, that flit around your head just to remind you they are still there but can be waved away for a short time and maybe won't come back until the next doctor visit.

 
 
 
  • Comments
  • 13
  • Pending Comments
  • 0
  • View FAQ
Comments are closed for this entry
View All
Favorites
Bloggers
Recency  | 
Popularity
12:50 AM on 01/24/2010
Katherine, I talked to you at the Bonnie J. Addario Lung Cancer Foundation Gala last November. I love your outlook. This article is fantastic. Stay well. I look forward to seeing you each week on Deperate Housewives.
12:59 AM on 01/24/2010
Kathryn, I was lucky enough to meet you at the Bonnie J. Addario Lung Cancer Foundation Gala last November. As a fellow survivor, I thank you so very much for this article. I so enjoy your outlook and spunk. Keep up the good work.
I also look forward to viewing you on Desperate Housewives.
07:49 PM on 01/23/2010
Kathryn - Thanks for the frank an honest observations.
Wish you the best, and hope to read more from you soon.
03:14 AM on 01/23/2010
Kathryn rocks the house. One tough lady and brave one at that. Thank you Kathryn!!
03:05 AM on 01/23/2010
Kathryn is just awesome!!!
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
istvan13
The world needs more thinkers.
08:25 AM on 01/22/2010
Great post, I've always enjoyed your work. You show courage tackling this issue head on. Our culture is adverse to discuss death and dying, which is a shame. People on deaths door need our support not our fear.

I love your humor, and isn't humor a wonderful medicine.
03:38 AM on 01/22/2010
So sorry to hear this news. You are a joy to watch, a consumate professional. Here's hoping things go well. Best wishes.
09:48 PM on 01/21/2010
Miss Joosten-
You have a refreshingly sunny outllook on this touch subject. I admire your courage and your strength and enjoy your humor and look forward to reading more posts. Thank you for making me laugh and think. I am truly a fan.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
MaryscottOConnor
07:17 PM on 01/21/2010
Well-written, K. Thanks for a terrific read.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
kendraro
deadhead echelon peacenik mom to Marley the awesom
07:04 PM on 01/21/2010
We all want to answer that question "How are you?" with "great" and have it be true - but it really is ok not to be perfect, and sometimes if you share where you're at it gives the other person a chance to be there for you - or they may share their thing and you won't feel alone - you never know.
06:28 PM on 01/21/2010
God bless you, Kathryn. My husband and I loved you on West Wing! And we felt so bad when we heard you were ill. We are in the process of losing my Mom to oral cancer and we know how painful this disease is... you are in our thoughts and prayers. Keep your sense of humor! We lost my Dad to colon cancer, and he had a great sense of humor. It served him well for many years while he fought "the Big C."
06:23 PM on 01/21/2010
It is unfortunate that there would be uncomfortable or clumsy moments when considering one who is facing such a death predicted outcome. Man, I could only think about how I would want to be treated and it would not be in many of the ways described. I thank you for the food for thought and I offer feedback that you may have touched upon a larger subject (intentionally or not).

Go in peace and be in peace…no matter what
photo
HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Thomas DeLorenzo
Social Media/Publicist/Producer/Health Activist
06:09 PM on 01/21/2010
I think the big problem with health care reform is fear of disease. admitting to asking for help, like having an insurance policy, is allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Kathryn Joosten takes this disease head on -- and if you were privy to the conversations with the media as i was, if you were cancer you would have packed up your bags and moved out. As Kathy herself wears with pride "Cancer, you picked the wrong bitch."