Dear ex-Hillary fans who are showing their support for her by ignoring her call to support Obama and supporting McCain,
First, I'd like to congratulate you. You've asked yourself WWJMD and you've decided to vote against your own interests and principles while furthering Senator McCain's. Before you're allowed on the band wagon, we are asking you to sign the following oath. A McCain presidency will mean different things for different people, so we have tailored the oaths accordingly.
The McCain Loyalty Oath for Gays
I, _______________, pledge to transfer my support from Hillary Clinton to John McCain. I agree to do all I can do to get McCain the vote. In order to achieve this noble goal I promise to support McCain's...
- promise to protect "the sanctity of marriage as between a man and woman."
- commitment to banning federal recognition of gay marriage and domestic partnerships.
- commitment to the Army's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy because to "even reopen the issue" would be a "terrific mistake."
- opposition to gay adoption which he doesn't think is "appropriate."
- opposition to expanding the federal hate crimes law to include sexual orientation.
As a gay person, I promise to apply McCain's principles to my own life and vow to...
- stop engaging in gay sex.
- never try to marry or adopt.
- enroll in a program to treat my homosexuality and "straighten" myself out, such as a "M.A.N.S. Journey" (Masculinity, Authenticity, Need Fulfillment, Surrender Journey).
- install nanny cams in my house to prevent any gay relapses.
- take responsibility for natural disasters*, including Katrina.
Once McCain is elected, I will continue to support him and his programs and I will not complain about my loss of civil rights. And I will continue to refrain from gay sex.
Signature ____________
The McCain Loyalty Oath for Women
I _______________ pledge to transfer my support from Hillary Clinton to John McCain. I agree to do all I can do to get McCain the vote. In order to achieve this noble goal I promise to support McCain's...
- fight to overturn Roe v. Wade and my right to choose.
- fight against equal pay for men and women.
- opposition to providing low-income and uninsured women and families with health care services ranging from breast and cervical cancer screening to birth control.
- opposition to sex education and support of abstinence-only education.
- opposition to insurance covering birth control.
- endorsement of women's rights more "in theory" than in practice.
- pet name for his wife.
As a woman I promise to apply McCain's principles to my own life and vow to...
- call myself and my female friends the C word.
- picket abortion clinics.
- not use contraceptives.
- drink bleach so I don't catch HIV and drink Mountain Dew so I don't get pregnant.
- give back part of my salary to male coworkers.
- not vote, but pursue education and encourage my father/husband/brother male friends to vote for McCain.
Once McCain is elected, I will continue to support him and I will not complain about my losing my right to choose, and other reproductive freedoms. And I will continue to refrain from pursuing equality for women.
Signature ____________
The McCain Loyalty Oath for Straight White Men
Straight white men, I bet you thought we left you out. This country may have turned its back on you, but we haven't. Here's a pledge of your own:
I _______________ pledge to transfer my support from Hillary Clinton to John McCain. I agree to do all I can do to get McCain the vote. In order to achieve this noble goal I promise to support McCain's...
- commitment to follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell.
- opposition to limiting soldiers' deployment to 12 months.
- fight against benefits for veterans.
- support of Bush's preemptive war doctrine.
- Operation Infinite Presence in Iraq.
As a straight white man I promise to apply McCain's principles to my own life and vow to...
- use Iran/Iraq and Shiites/Sunnis interchangeably.
- clear my schedule for the next 100 years.
- enlist in the military.
- follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell (while smiling).
- be willing to kill and/or be killed in Iraq.
- be willing to kill and/or be killed in Iran.
- be willing to kill and/or be killed in Syria.
- be willing to kill and/or be killed in Venezuela.
Once McCain is elected, I will continue to support him and I will not complain about my loss of limbs or life. And I will continue to refrain from questioning the war in Iraq or any other wars we will be fighting.
Signature __________________________________
*Although McCain and Hagee have since unendorsed each other, that was not until Hagee's controversial Holocaust speech was discovered. McCain didn't think Hagee's position on gay people (or women of Muslims, for that matter) warrant his disavowal.
For more go to katiehalper.com.