Nazi Kos

05/25/2011 12:10 pm ET

Bill O'Reilly is the only journalist honorable enough to go after the the Daily/Yearly Kos Nazis. But one honest journalist cannot do it all, and so I decided to investigate the hate-site's convention for myself. I went to several panels, and the most hateful of all was The Arc of Crisis: U.S. Policy in the Middle East and South Asia" which included speakers Juan Cole, John J. Mearsheimer, Dennis Perin, Manan Ahmed. This panel proved, once again, that the liberal, Jewish gay vegan bloggerati are getting their panties all up in a bunch about the Middle East. Anyone with a shred of critical thinking ability knows that the situation in the Middle East is not an arc of crisis, but rather an arc of mission accomplishment and progress. When that little scuffle broke out between Israel and Hezbollah just last summer, Condoleezza Rice explained, in her typically infinite wisdom, "What we're seeing here are the birth pangs of a new Middle East." Building on this insightful assessment, I think it's clear that what we are seeing today in Pakistan are merely the stretch marks or hemorrhoids, of democracy. And what we are seeing in Iraq is the episiotomy of liberty.

During the Presidential Leadership forum I heard the Democratic candidates Clinton, Dodd, Edwards, Gravel, Kucinich, Obama, and Richardson, admit that, if elected, they would take away our freedoms, most principally our freedom from the oppression of habeas corpus. These Democrats could not be more out of touch: Habeas corpus is so 700 hundreds years ago, so Magna Carta. Besides, it's in Latin and nobody speaks Latin anymore, so why should we be using Latin laws. Ergo, I commend our president's gravitas, his whole modus operandi etc, etc in undoing the Constitution.

The lowest blow came from blogger Joan McCarter, or MC Joan as she's known in the DJ circle. Moderating the presidential forum, MC Joan had the audacity to accuse Alaskan politicians of corruption. Of Course, MC Joan was referring to Ted "Series of Tubes" Steven, who is being investigated for baseless charges of corruption and bribery. Ted Stevens is a great man and a patriotic senator who supports the War on Polar Bears. In fact, when the Senate voted against his bill to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve to drill for oil, Ted said, "This is the saddest day of my life." Ted Stevens is 83 years old. He fought in World War II and lost his first wife. But seeing his best friend's head blown off in Okinawa or his losing his first wife in a plane crash were nothing compared to witnessing the Senate deny Ted, and America, his God-Given right to kill endangered species. That day on the Senate floor was the saddest of the 30,000,295 days of Ted's long, noble life.

On a more personal note, I admit that I was very disappointed that Joseph Wilson was not in attendance. Though we have different political views, Joe and I really hit it off at last year's Yearly Kos convention in Las Vegas. Because of scheduling snafus and a restraining order, however, I haven't been able to see Joe since. I always say, out of all the blogging conferences in all the cities in all the world, he had to walk into mine. He had me at "What I didn't find in Africa." Well, I can tell you what I found in Vegas: A silver-haired fox with a pair of baby blues that could melt the secret identity off of any covert operative.