11/01/2010 03:09 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Rand Paul on BP & Head Stomper: Accidents Happen

Rand Paul isn't too upset about his volunteer stomping on a 23-year-old woman already restrained on the ground. For Rand is too busy speaking truth to power on behalf of the voiceless, like BP and middle-aged men who stomp on women's heads. If not Rand, then who? If not now, then when? If you prick BP, does it not bleed? Or gush (millions and millions of barrels of petroleum)?

It is so touching to see Randy (can I call you Randy, Randy? It's also my pet name for Ayn Rand, who hated it when I called her Ayny) put his neck (no pun intended) out for the little guy against the man, Obama, who is so unAmerican he guilt trips BP, as if BP didn't already feel bad enough! Tony Hayward is STILL waiting for his life  back. Rand, in his limitless empathy for which Libertarians are famous, anthropomorphizes the fourth largest company in the entire world, chastising Obama for putting his boot on the neck of BP. Yet Randy has decided to keep the money donated to him by Tim Proffit, his volunteer coordinator and donor who literally put his foot on the head of a real person. It is because Rand needs the money for his Senate campaign to fight against giving the government any money that he must do this, of course. It pains him so, though he does a wonderful job of keeping a stiff upper lip.

Rand hates guilt-tripping people like Tony Hayward, and men who stomp on women's heads and then demand apologies from the stompee, and racist private business owners who already have to deal with the shame and unpopularity that accompanies being a racist. This is why Rand "has some questions" about the ADA and wants to get rid of OSHA and the EPA, who, like cruel unAmerican Obama, play the blame game instead of realizing "accidents happen."  

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