THE BLOG
12/22/2013 11:47 am ET | Updated Feb 20, 2014

I Spy Rectal Disharmony

While in a coffee shop, I was sitting across from a couple. Their coy, yet attentiveness to each other made me think it was a first date. They chitchatted about where they were from, their careers, and quickly devolved into the cars they drove, how much money they earned and if she liked to suck cock. I would've countered with do you dine at the Y? But that's just me.

I'm not sure how the below topic transpired, but I'll never forget what I heard. In an exasperated tone, the guy said, "I can only wipe my ass so much before I need to call it quits even if I leave some shit behind."

Who wouldn't turn around to see the other person's reaction?!

This broad had such a strong anti-nausea constitution, I was shocked, though desperately wondered what she defined as off-putting behavior. After all, flirting and smiling were still in play.

Obviously I couldn't mind my business and had to interject, "You're not disgusted by the fact that this man has an ass wiping limit?"

She declared, "He drives a BMW!"

Being a feminist, I believe that every woman is entitled to make decisions for herself, not anyone else, just herself. Still. I was surprised that a German automobile usurped anal residue.

He told me to go fuck myself. I agreed with his reaction and said as much. However, I was compelled to ask, "Can you walk me through one of your post bowel movement wiping excursions? I know it's none of my business. Please understand I JUST REALLY NEED TO KNOW."

To my surprise, he eagerly obliged, "Shitting is a give and take relationship between me and my asshole. When my asshole requires more than three wipes, I consider that a dicky thing to do. I don't continue wiping. I'm not caving in to a fucking asshole's demands."

Poker face notwithstanding, I asked if he thought he had a passive aggressive rectum. To which he responded with a blank stare. What tripped him up, passive aggressive or rectum? So, I asked.

He felt his asshole -- wait for it -- wasn't sophisticated enough to be passive aggressive. Instead, he claimed it was a taunting devil's hole (homophobic much?!). I was more confounded than ever! He had taken the time to create rectal logic and implement a strategy as a result.

And then it got weird.

As I pressed on about his taunting devil's hole, he replied, "My asshole delivers loaders, hangers and shooters. A loader is a shit that's stuck up in there. A hanger is a mid-shit that won't release, and a shooter is, you know..." He whispered, "Diarrhea."

He wasn't homophobic; he just had a complicated relationship with his ass and the gusto to share. Fascinating.

I inquired as to whether he'd seen a proctologist. He asked why I suggested a foot doctor (podiatrist). When I tried to explain, he urged me to stop interrupting their date. I was faced with a dilemma, do I risk them leaving or keep them here so I can continue listening in.

Undoubtedly, I said, "Please, carry on. Enjoy your date."

As they droned on, among other things, I learned that he never wiped his penis after he peed, he shook it. Instead of using a tissue, he blew his nose into the grass. I think it's safe to say that he has severe ATWS (Aversion to Wiping Syndrome).