I became a mother just shy of my 19th birthday. I started my parenthood journey on the defense. I was excited to be a mom but most people judged me for being so young.
I wanted to have a natural birth and people told me I couldn't do it. I wanted to breastfeed and people told me to not have such high expectations. I was repeatedly encouraged to make choices that didn't feel right for my baby or I.
Being young, and admittedly immature, I reacted strongly to judgments on my parenting and the unsolicited advice I would often receive. I felt like I had to defend myself. In doing so, I actually became what I had hated most: judgmental.
You've probably seen me before. Or, perhaps, you've seen someone just like me. We can be found on the Internet, at playgroup, in your office, at the grocery store, anywhere really.
I'm the one talking about the dangers of epidurals and cesareans.
"Aren't you worried about the side-effects?"
I'm the one scoffing at those who want to have med-free births.
"It's not a badge of honor."
I'm the one making a disgusted face at the mom nursing her baby in public.
"Can't you just bring a bottle?"
I'm the one brazen enough to whip it out anywhere and feed my baby.
"My baby is hungry right now!"
I'm the one shyly giving my baby a bottle of pumped milk.
"I hope nobody thinks this is formula."
I'm the one proudly giving my baby a bottle of formula.
"Breastfeeding just isn't right for us."
I'm the conditionally supportive friend.
"Epidurals are okay IF used for the right reasons."
I'm the non-parent parenting expert.
"When I have kids they will never watch that much TV."
We've all been there: feeling like others are judging us as parents.
We've all done it: passing judgment towards others.
With so many decisions to make as a parent, it's hard to always know what's best. When everyone wants to interject their opinion, it makes it even harder. You want to do what feels right. You don't want to upset anyone. You don't want to feel the glaring eyes of Judy McJudgerson upon you. What's a mom to do?
Since becoming a doula and learning what truly non-judgmental support is all about, I've reflected on my early years as a parent. I see how being fervently defensive in my parenting actually made me judgmental towards those who didn't share my same beliefs.
This is my apology.
As a reformed Sanctimommy, I hereby apologize for the harsh judgments you may have felt from me by my strong opinions as a mother. We're all doing the best we can with the information and circumstances we are given at the time.
We all make mistakes. We all think we're doing it wrong sometimes and often wonder if we'll screw our kids up because of it.
One person's parenting decisions aren't a judgment on another's. It's just what works best for their family.
You have the right to choose what works for you, and whatever choice that is, I support you.