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Keith Blanchard Headshot

I'll Take MY Bailout, Now, Thanks!

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Okay, is everybody happy? Did we get all this figurehead-electing nonsense out of the way? Super...now let's get busy. The country's in the crapper, and there's a whole lot that needs fixing, so let's roll up our virtual sleeves and hop to it.

First order of business: My bailout.

That's right: MY bailout. Hey, capitalism is about the spirit of competition...in this case, competition for free government money. Everyone else is getting a bailout, so if I'm going to stay competitive, I'll have to get one too.

I don't need much. I run a tiny little website called The Daily Lowdown. It's doing great so far, thanks to innovation, hard work, and all that other forefather nonsense. But I sure could use some more capital, just to be on the safe side. Say, a couple of million--well, hell, let's say five million. That should be plenty for now, but I'll let the Treasury know if I need more.

Frankly, I think I'm exercising extraordinary restraint. AIG failed, and snagged $85 billion. The financial services industry epic-failed, and got $700 billion. GM and Ford haven't failed yet, but got their beaks wet anyway to the tune of $25 billion. On the "imbalance sheets" of these hungry deadbeats, the paltry ten million I'm looking for is more or less a rounding error.

What do you mean I don't "deserve" the fifteen million? Deserve's got nothing to do with it. In the new economy, all you have to do to score the free cheese is to demonstrate that civilization will crap its pants and fall over dead if Treasury doesn't cough up your dough. We will bail out everyone we have to bail out, and that's final. No arguments...back to work, and stop sniveling.

Fair enough!

Magazines and newspapers are self-destructing, too, and surely a free press is critical to a functioning democracy. Somebody's gotta bail those poor bastards out. And what about the airlines...don't we need them to thrive? And the credit card companies--what kind of a blasted dystopia would America become if you had to save up the money BEFORE you bought something? They're gonna need a bailout too.

The plain fact is, each and every company and industry in America today needs and deserves a bailout. So I'm staking my claim now!

I represent one of more than 25 million small businesses in America today. If our businesses fail, we can't pay our taxes. IRS revenues go down, welfare outlays go up, and this country's going to start looking like something out of Escape from New York. Surely it's cheaper to preemptively bail us out now, before you have to support us all with food stamps, or in prison after we knock over the last Starbuck's to feed our kids. By bailing us out, you're actually SAVING money.

You're welcome, America!

Don't worry, I'll spend the $20 million well. Largesse, as they say, is the mother of invention. You know what would help my business grow? I could give everyone ten dollars every time they go to my website, and another ten dollars if they refer a friend. I bet I'd get a lot of referrals! Traffic will skyrocket!

And all it takes is unlimited, unfettered cash. Obama's plan to spread the wealth is extremely short-sighted, IMHO. Why limit ourselves to today's wealth, which is finite, when we have all the unlimited wealth of future generations within our grasp? When you're borrowing from the future, the well is literally unplumbable.

Here's how it works. The current generation borrows everything it needs from the next generation--call it Generation 2. (This is already in progress.) Then Generation 2 borrows whatever it needs, including the money to pay Generation 1's bills, from Generations 3 and 4. Generation 3 borrows from Generations 4, 5, and 6. Generation 4 borrows from Generations 5, 6, 7, and 8.

And so on, until the sun explodes in fifty bazillion years. It's totally foolproof!

As soon as I get my $30 million, I'm going to invest in clever content, smart hires, search engine optimization and important infrastructure to make my company strong and competitive going forward.

Just kidding!

When there's no risk of running out of money, there's no reason to spend it carefully. In fact, it's much more patriotic to put it to work in the economy. Spend wisely! The most expensive items trickle down the most. Buying a Whopper only helps a couple of folks at Burger King, but buying a Lamborghini helps hundreds of people, and dozens of related companies. So buy one for everyone on your staff.

Can't wait for my $50 million to get here. First step is a blowout trip to the St. Regis, that posh California spa where the AIG guys took THEIR bailout dough, to reward my hardworking editors, writers...and readers. If you're reading this now, you're invited! Literally, all of you. Watch this space for details. Expensive wine, unlimited spa treatments, massages, mani-pedis, fancy dinners with all the trimmings...

Buy whatever you like--it ain't my money!