We've been dealing with the word "commitment" a lot lately in our coaching practice. Some of our clients avoid it like the plague, while others jump in head first, without stopping to consider the possible consequences. Which approach do we recommend?
Neither.
Commitment is not something to be taken lightly, but at the same time, avoiding it will likely doom you to a life of mediocrity and unfulfilled dreams. When we first met each other, each of us was having a great time being single. After suffering through woefully unfulfilling relationships, assuming they were better than being alone (boy, were we wrong!) we had each learned to treat ourselves the way we most wanted to be treated, and to thoroughly enjoy our lives on our own, so that we wouldn't attract the wrong partner out of neediness again. Thus, when we realized we had found our perfect mates in each other, we knew full well what we'd be giving up if we made the commitment to get hitched.
Fortunately, we also had a clear vision of what could be gained, and in the past eight years, neither one of us has had any regrets about trading the freedom and independence of being single for the profound growth and fulfillment of long-term commitment. Okay, we'll admit we have our moments - those times when the idea of not having to discuss every little decision with someone else has us looking longingly back to our spouseless days - but those moments are few and fleeting. There's just nothing that even comes close to this level of comfort and connection, and nothing that can stretch you to be and to do more than you ever thought possible like a happy marriage can. So how do you know when it's time to take that plunge? How can you tell if this is the person you'll be able to be happy with long term?
We've got a very simple test you can take to make that determination. First, you need to make sure that you've been with this person long enough to make a qualified judgment on compatibility. This means that you've gone past the initial stages of dating - the time when you were both on your best behavior, and weren't yet ready to reveal your true selves to each other. You will know when you've gone past this stage, because you'll have begun to see some things about your partner that you're not really sure you like. They may even seem like a whole different person than they were when you first met. If you haven't seen this side of them yet, then you are not ready to make a long-term commitment. There are, however, several sure-fire ways you can speed up the process of getting there. You could try living together, taking a trip together, or spending some quality time with each other's families. Any one of these things should get the process started, and then the more of them you do, the further along you'll be.
So now you've made it past that "best behavior" stage and you've seen your partner's true colors. Think you're ready for the commitment test? Okay, here's what you do. Take a good, long look at your partner. Look at all the qualities that make them who they are - all their habits, all their beliefs, all the things they do and say, how they treat you, how they treat themselves, how they treat other people, what they like and dislike, what they've accomplished so far and what they aspire to accomplish - and then ask yourself these questions: If I knew this person was always going to be exactly as they are now, if I knew they were never going to change a single thing about them, would I want to stay with them just as they are? Can I love this person unconditionally, just as they are? Can I accept this person completely, just as they are? Am I willing to let go of any expectations that they will change in any way?
If you can - in total and complete honesty - answer yes to all of these questions, then you are ready to make a commitment. If not, then it may be time to rethink the relationship, get clear about what you truly want, and commit to yourself that you will not settle for less than you know you deserve. We're not saying it will always be easy, but trust us, it will be so worth it!
Many Blessings,Keith and MauraGot a burning question about relationships? Submit your question to Keith and Maura here.