"I would feel just awful if I left anybody out."
"You really hurt my feelings when you said that."
"When I find my soul mate, I will feel so happy."
One of the most important things we teach about relationships is self-responsibility. Like many people, we spent most of our lives looking outside of ourselves for approval, blame, and fulfillment. And like most people who live that way, we rarely got what we wanted, and even when we did, we were never truly satisfied.
We used to think of responsibility as something to avoid. We felt like too much responsibility would take away our freedom. But we've discovered that responsibility actually gives us more freedom. When we take responsibility for ourselves, we get to choose exactly how we want our lives to be.
Have you ever noticed that you choose your feelings?
This was a totally new concept to us when we first came across it. We had always believed that our feelings were caused by the things that happened to us. And then we were offered and alternative viewpoint to consider: What if it was the other way around? What if the things that happened to us were actually caused by our feelings?
Let's take a look at the examples above...
"I would feel just awful if I left anybody out."
In this example, I am choosing to feel awful, because I am afraid that I might leave somebody out. Just thinking about the possibility of leaving someone out makes me feel awful. And as I keep choosing that thought, guess what I am likely to do - leave someone out! And then I'm going to feel awful some more, just like I said I would.
Now let's try it another way...
"I just love how I get to include everybody!"
From this great feeling of love, I am focused on including everybody. Just thinking about including everybody makes me feel good. And as I keep choosing that thought, guess what I am likely to do - include everybody! And then I get to feel good some more, just like I said I would.
Let's look at the second statement...
"You really hurt my feelings when you said that."
I am choosing to feel hurt because of something you said. You probably didn't mean to be hurtful, and even if you did, that was about you, not me. People are only intentionally hurtful when they are feeling hurt themselves. I have chosen to interpret what you said in a negative way. I could also have chosen to interpret it in a positive way.
Or, I could have asked for clarification...
"I'm not sure I understood what you said, would you please explain what you meant."
Now I am taking responsibility for my feelings. I want to feel good, so I am going to find out why you said what you said to me, instead of assuming the worst.
And now for the last statement...
"When I find my soul mate, I will feel so happy."
I am choosing to put off my happiness until I find my soul mate. This creates a real catch-22, because if I want a soul mate who is going to make me happy, but I am not a happy person, then I am unlikely to attract a happy person. From this place, I am likely to settle for someone who is not quite right for me, because I think there is a possibility that they might make me happy.
I could instead say...
"I love my life, and I'm looking forward to sharing it with the right person!"
Now that's the kind of person I want to meet - one who is attracted to me because I am loving life so much. This person is likely to be as happy as I am, and together, we can create even more happiness.
Once we realized that we were choosing all our feelings, we made a decision to be much more intentional about it, and to choose the ones that would move us in the direction we wanted to go. Sometimes we still experience feelings that we don't seem to have control over, but those times are now few and far between. When they do happen, we try to be gentle with ourselves, and allow those feelings to teach us whatever we need to learn.
If this is a new concept to you, please let us know what you think about it. Are you willing to give it a try?
Many Blessings,
Keith and Maura
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