Workplace Romance - Should You Or Shouldn't You?

Dear Keith and Maura,

Do you think it means anything if a guy you like at work happens to give you his cell phone number out of the blue, or if you ask that guy - joking around - if he can give you a ride home from work and he has a big grin on his face?

I work at a grocery store near my home. Can people even date their co-workers or become serious with them? Is it appropriate or crazy to do? After all it is WORK.

- Wondering Worker

Dear Wondering Worker,

These are great questions, and we're glad you asked them.

While we've had quite a bit of experience with this one ourselves, and can offer you some advice based on that, you would also do well to do a quick web search on the words "dating a co-worker" (with and without the quotes) and spend a little time looking over some of the excellent articles on the subject. One of the first things you'll notice when you do this, is that pretty much all of them advise you to check your company's dating policy first. If you have an employee handbook, you should be able to find it in there.

Having said that, we would advise you the same way here as we would with any other type of relationship. Your relationship with yourself comes first. Do you treat yourself with the same degree of respect, love, trust and support that you would like to receive from others? If the answer is no, then we strongly encourage you to start doing so before you allow yourself to move forward on any attractions you may have. We've found that we tend to attract people who will treat us the way we treat ourselves, so if you are in the habit of being overly critical of yourself, or not doing what you tell yourself you will do, then you can expect the same behavior from the people in your life.

One of the most common problems in relationships - and it's something we have both experienced in the past - is that people get involved with someone hoping that the other person will make them feel better about themselves. This never works, because they only end up projecting all their self-criticism onto the other person. If you are not secure in yourself, then you will not be secure in the relationship, and you will usually find ways to sabotage it.

If, on the other hand, you are happy and content with yourself, you consistently treat yourself well, and you are very clear about what you want in a relationship, then you can feel much more secure in trusting the signals you are getting from others, and the feelings you may get from those signals. You won't have to worry that you might be reading something into it out of neediness or desperation, because you won't be needy or desperate. That's why we always say that your relationship with yourself comes first.

We hope this was helpful, and we welcome any comments from the peanut gallery. Have you had any experience with this one? Do you recommend it? Why or why not?

Many Blessings,

Keith and Maura

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Comments

[AmericanFool]

This is pretty funny... like anyone can stop it from happening. I personally know or know of 5 couples who met at my place of work. Work is one of the most common places to meet your significant other. I've only dated one person from work, but it took - we've been married 12 years.
The cautions are appropriate however. Dating the wrong person or for the wrong reasons can have disastrous results for you personally and in terms of your career. My wife and I worked in the same dept, but we kept our relationship pretty well under the radar. We worked while at work, and enjoyed each other's company after work. I've known lots of people to damage their standing at work by chatting for hours with their new love interest while Rome is figuratively burning (and by getting it on behind closed doors - don't try this, even after hours, people WILL find out. Go to a hotel.) When my wife and I finally did announce our engagement we really floored a lot of people; almost nobody had any idea - which was good, it confirmed that we behaved professionally at work while we grew our relationship.

[querencia]

Pardon the long post- I got going on the subject and here it is...My experience is that part of what the process of relationship is about, is someone mirroring back to us the parts of ourselves where we fall short of loving ourselves. These are places that we can then work through in the laboratory of the relationship.

In my own experience, however much balance in that I could ever find on my own got immediately up-ended once I entered a relationship. The gigantic gift of my marriage is that I have a husband who actively works with me in each of our journeys of learning to love ourselves and balance our care for one another with our own center, within the dance.

We had each spent 20+ years in self development work on our own and in relationships with others before meeting, and still - there was and is more work to do, and more to learn that we can only learn together. Yes, a basis of self love and respect are important elements to work on first- always- but part of how I observe that we all learn that is through the dance with another, not off in our room dancing with what is apparent to us in isolation, with our blind spots intact.

To suggest that one could become so integrated that an intimate relationship would not consistently stir up and mirror back that which is next on the docket to meet and integrate in oneself seems farfetched or at best- tuned out in the extreme- to me.

What do you think?