A couple of years ago I listened as one Democraticactivist described what it felt like to be a Democratduring most of the Bush-pushing last decade. She saidit was akin to being on a football field and watchingas the opposing team unveiled one Adonis after theother as you sat with a bench full of misfits. Inother words, it was like having the first half of "BadNews Bears" on a constant loop -- only without thelaughs. (Yes I know the "Bad News Bears" is aboutbaseball not football but you get my point).
Everything was supposed to be different this election.After all, a quick glance at the lineup on the GOPside -- Rudy Giuliani, John McCain, not to mention RonPaul, made it pretty clear that this was certainly nota bench full of Adonis types. (Although Mitt Romneyand his Ken doll looks and matching family did seemstraight out of central casting. Unfortunately hiselection year makeover into a real Republican madeJohn Kerry's flip-flopping look like child's play).Months ago I was sitting in a greenroom preparing todo an interview when a GOP strategist lamented aboutthe sad state of John McCain's campaign. Not only hadhe been reduced to carrying his own luggage -- serving ashis own one-man-band-advance team -- he had allegedlyarrived late at an important event because histransportation had broken down and he had to find hisown way there without the ubiquitous team of handlers,a luxury his tattered campaign could not afford.
Meanwhile the Democrats for once had an all-starlineup. Or so it seemed.
So how did it all come to this, with Democratspreparing to battle all the way to the convention, andto ultimately grant the GOP another four years in 1600Pennsylvania Avenue? Below, a look at the top 10people and moments that are helping the Democratsreturn to the glory days of loserdom:
10. Howard Dean. You've heard the saying "the fishrots from the head." Well the head of the DemocraticNational Committee is Howard Dean. From his inabilityto reign in state leaders when setting the primarycalendar, to his inability to effectively moderate andresolve the Florida, Michigan mess, Dean has provenhimself to be a likable leader but not necessarily astrong one. Just as a parent has to know thatsometimes you spoil and other times you spank, itdoesn't appear that Dean has mastered the good cop/badcop routine. As a result the kids have taken over.
9. The South Carolina Debate. Have you ever been atdinner with a couple that seemed perfectly normaluntil a slight disagreement erupts into an all outverbal slugfest in which they start airing eachother's dirty laundry? Like about the time one of themcheated on the other while they were both in gradschool? Well watching this debate was almost asuncomfortable. From Wal-Mart to Rezko it was as thoughthe Democrats were determined to give the GOPopposition-research team as much helpful info. aspossible. Mission accomplished! And the tone of thecampaign? Well it's all been downhill since then.
8. Saturday Night Live. Let me start by saying thatI am a fan of "Saturday Night Live." It's funny.That's because it's this thing called a comedy.Comedies are meant to make people laugh not to serveas an instruction manual for how to run a presidentialelection. But for some reason some members of themedia (and certain campaigns) have decided toreference SNL as if it were a journalism class taughtby the ghost of Edward R. Murrow. While we may belaughing with them (and they continue to laugh all theway to the bank) there is no doubt that the SNL crewhas helped reshape the coverage of the campaign (72straight hours of Rev. Wright coverage anyone? Afterall we wouldn't want that Obama to have it too easy)and thereby they have reshaped the narrative of thiscampaign as well.
7. Bittergate. There's a lot of blame to go around forthis one. You can question the motives of allegedObama supporter Mayhill Fowler for recording thecomments in the first place. You can question whatObama -- Mr. Oratory -- was thinking for putting the remarkstogether so clumsily. You can also question theClinton camp's efforts to capitalize on a comment thatwhile un-P.C. -- was essentially true. When I first heardthe remarks I was immediately reminded of a scene fromthe TV show I'll Fly Away, which was set in theSouth in the 1960s. A poor white teen from the "wrongside of the tracks," told his wealthier white friendthat his skin color remained the one thing thatallowed him to maintain some measure of status insociety, regardless of what side of the tracks helived on. As a result, he was not exactly psychedabout civil rights. Yes we've come a long way sincethose days, but for a few, that reality holds sometruth. The sad thing about "bittergate" is that wewere all so busy trying to assess the politicalfallout that we didn't really tackle much of thesubstance behind the remarks.
6. Marc Penn. Marc Penn. Marc Penn. This one ispretty self-explanatory but please allow me a coupleof quick thoughts. Hillary actually has (gasp!) apersonality. One that smiles and laughs, and yes,occasionally cries. But with svengali Penn at thestrategic helm of her campaign who would have knownit? His extreme focus on numbers (and getting himselfon TV) seemed to suck what early life there was in herfrontrunner campaign, out of it. Is it a coincidencethat since throwing him overboard the S.S. Hillaryseems to be running a lot more smoothly?
5. The Edwards Campaign, R.I.P. 1/30/08. After yearsof reminding us to never forget the nation's workingpoor, John Edwards became the butt of countless latenight jokes, all because of one ill-advised,overpriced haircut. But guess who's having the lastlaugh now. Watching Obama bowl and Hillary drink beerin Pennsylvania, one couldn't help note the irony thatafter Democrats kicked the one true, good ol' boycandidate to the curb, they then decided that the good'ol boy vote was the most prized possession of theelection. And the economy -- particularly its impact onthe working class -- is not just an important issue thiselection but the deciding issue. Looks like the son ofa millworker was on to something when he spoke ofthose "Two Americas."
4. Rev. Jeremiah Wright. So much to say, and yet I amhesitant to give this guy any more ink than he'salready gotten. Yes the media fed into to his story(myself included). Yes the media is partially toblame. But there's a saying: Just because someonegives you the gun doesn't mean you have to pull thetrigger. Rev. Wright just doesn't know when to putaway the ammo.
3. Bill Clinton. Having been raised as a child in thecult of Clinton (one parent is a full-fledged fanatic)it was a bit of shock to see the laid-back Bubba (akafirst-black president) that I remember watching as akid blow his sax on The Arsenio Hall Show, replacedby some grumpy guy who runs around making un-P.C.analogies between black candidates who don't reallyhave much in common. As the most brilliant politicalmind of the last century (or at least one of them) heknows that the ongoing bloodbath between his wife andObama is ripping the Democratic Party apart, andpossibly his legacy as well. But overcome by hislifelong overachiever streak he's been renderedhelpless by his desire to win, and his yearning togive us all the presidency that he thinks Ken Starrshortchanged us on last time. Honestly, can you blamehim?
2. Florida and Michigan. It's hard to believe that thestates responsible for bringing so much joy in theforms of Motown and Mickey Mouse could also beresponsible for such a reign of terror. The "will theyor won't they" be seated at the convention questionhas turned older, faster than any of the "will they orwon't they" romantic entanglements on a long-runningsitcom (think Ross and Rachel on Friends or Williamand Joan on Girlfriends.) We get it. It's the notthe fault of the citizens of these states that theirknuckleheaded elected officials put them in thisposition by ignoring the DNC's mandate. Here's asuggestion. How about an old-fashioned game of rock,paper, scissors to decide this mess? Or maybe HowardDean can make everyone draw straws? Anything to justput us all out of our misery already. I know thismuch. When this election is finally over the lastplace I'm going is Disney World.
1. Superdelegates. Raise your hand if you actuallyknew what a superdelegate was 18 months ago. Now raiseyour hand if you now wish that you had never heard ofthem and that they didn't exist. Regardless of howthis primary ultimately turns out the reality is thatwhat started out as a minor party battle could havebeen prevented from turning into an all out war wereit not for this cadre of super-wussies. Operating assome sort of political Opus Dei, they are ready,willing and able to serve if their party needsthem -- needs them to overturn the will of the peoplethat is. Democrats always get defensive when they arelabeled as know-it-all elitists. So to disprove thisstereotype they have helpfully put together a team ofhundreds of party "insiders" who will correct thenominating process should the idiotic masses get itwrong. There's nothing like watching a bunch ofpolitical types pick a presidential candidate based ontheir own personal career ambitions to restore one'sfaith in democracy.
Let the kamikaze campaign continue. Onward anddownward!
P.S. I'm sure I missed a few so please feel free topost your own nominees for the list in the commentssection.
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