Did she spit on a fan today?
Was she hospitalized?
She hasn't been arrested in a week, so perhaps that was on her to-do list.
Anyone new suing her?
Is she suing anyone new?
How long has it been since her last complete breakdown?
Did she destroy any hotel rooms in a drunken rage?
Does she or doesn't she have Emphysema?
Does she or doesn't she have an irregular heartbeat?
Has she been stung by one of the bees that obviously live in her hair?
Any new sex tapes discovered? And if so, is it worth watching?
Has she been voted the worst dresser of all-time... by Cher?
Has she been called a racist again?
Has her health insurance provider dropped her?
Will her crack den be featured in ARCHITECHURAL DIGEST?
Is she in or out of rehab? And if so, which one?
Has she caused a ruckus in rehab when the attendants wouldn't let her watch the World Series?
Did she win six more Grammys?
Did she sell them for heroin? Or cartons of Virginia Slims?
Has her father had her committed?
Has any fan mistaken her for Elvira, Mistress of the Dark?
Has she been denied a visa?
Has she been denied a Costco membership?
Did she have a nice visit with her husband in prison?
Any new eating disorders we don't know about?
Has she discovered there's no such thing as "Recreational Ketamine"?
Did she get her tooth replaced?
Have plans been scrapped to serve as spokesperson for the American Lung Association?
Has she been deported from Norway for possessing cannabis and trying to tip the doorman with it?
Was her latest tattoo (the Teletubbies and Hitler) drawn with an infected needle?
I like Amy Winehouse. I love her music. It's distinctive, original, and no one will ever cover it on American Idol. But I worry that her self destructive behavior will finally catch up with her, that her record label will drop her, her concert tours evaporate, her fortune goes up in smoke or her nose, she's in total despair and finally one day I get that inevitable call. The one I dread.
"Did you hear about Amy Winehouse?"
"Oh no. Don't tell me. Did she...?"
"Yep. 5:00 this morning."
"Oh Jesus, that's so terrible."
"Yeah. She signed with CAA and is meeting with writers about doing a sitcom. Are you free for lunch on Thursday?"
You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com