How to Win a Presidential Debate

CNN's live coverage of Tuesday's presidential debate featured a graph at the bottom of the screen showing the continuous reaction of focus group respondents. The candidates would speak and two lines (one for men and the other women) would inch up or down depending on whether these dial twirling lab rats liked or didn't like what was being said (assuming they understood what was being said, not an automatic assumption).

Obama and McCain were being subjected to the same scrutiny given to the pilot of Til Death.

As the creator and producer of a number of TV pilots I am all-too familiar with this highly accurate method of determining something's worth. I have been on the other side of the one-way glass while forty nimrods who looked like they just fell out of a Coen Brothers movie twisted their little spinners while judging my creative baby. On the monitor above my head was the show with the running graphs. That joke suffered a 3% dip and women appreciated that line 7.3% more than men. Art reduced to a spreadsheet.

Producers learn to manipulate the system of course and construct their pilots specifically to win focus groups' favor. Writing a sharper joke is not nearly as important as getting that waitress to wear a Wonder Bra.

So for the next and last debate I offer the candidates a couple of suggestions for improving your test scores.

Cartwheels are huge. Focus groups love 'em! You could be proposing a 50% tax hike and if it's in the midst of a nifty acrobatic move your graph will shoot through the roof. Governor Palin, in a dress, especially missed a bet here.

Crossing your eyes is a sure-fire crowd pleaser. Saying the word "hooters" will elevate any statement on Iran's disturbing threat to world peace.

Take a moment in laying out your solution to the Social Security crisis to introduce the audience to your new puppy.

Get choked up. Doesn't matter of over what. But personal triumph over adversity tends to score higher than Urkel not being honored by the Kennedy Center. And if you don't have a personal triumph just lift something from Profiles in Courage. It's been almost fifty years. No one remembers that book. Look for at least one "Awwwwwwwww" moment.

Shoes matter. The road to the White House goes through Leffot in Manhattan.

Try singing one of your answers. Bad news always goes down easier when delivered by a karaoke Sinatra.

Your opponent says something you take great issue with? Just do a spit-take. You think anyone is going to listen to a "rebuttal"?

Finally and most important, in your closing remarks, make sure you say that this great nation was built by good strong Americans like you; concerned hard-working people who love this country and rate things.

Thank me at the Inaugural.

You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com

Comments

[gemcando06]

What, in my opinion, unnerves me, is the audience at the debate. All those people and not a sound, eek.
Actually, I guess this adds wierdness.

[dpiyjrtmfr]

I want to go on record here. I am very much in favor of this idea!

[OldDiver]

It was clear from the debate John McCain is not ready to become President.

[idyl]

Thank you ... I refuse to watch the CNN debate feed because I don't like the focus group tracking and find it distracting. I wish CNN would end this silly gimmick.

[XME]

How to Win a Presidential Debate...D­on't be John McCain!

[Daps]

I was excited the first few times that the lines went up when Obama made a good point, and when McCain's score dipped into the negatives when they knew they were being lied to.

It saddened me to no end when vague platitudes and lines about how great America is so great that they'll fix themselves without McCain needing to interfere (*cough* deregulation and no assistance with alternative fuels) were rated highly. Perhaps not so highly as Obama's speeches, but the "independents" there all seemed to want to vote McCain. My thoughts are that they dislike McCain "for being too Liberal" and like Obama's plans and action, but somehow can't break from the lame "Obama sounds pretty but is hollow" talking point.

People who are undecided at this point are at the last minute going to go with their "gut", which puts them perfectly in line with the kneejerk fearmongering and lies that these knuckleheads don't care to research. It's always "I heard it from a reliable source", or "you can't trust the media". Sure, that last bit makes sense, but it's never spoken in the RIGHT manner for the right reasons.

[Pam Atherton - Huffpost Blogger]

I think Governor Palin must have taken your introductory class. Elsewise, why all the winking and smirking? I think you have a willing student in her! Bitingly funny as always, Ken.