04/26/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

American Idol : The Pearly Dozen

Is American Idol sponsored by Crest Whitestrips Teeth Whitening Systems this season? Jesus, every girl but one had blinding white teeth. And the only reason she made the top 24 was because the producers felt they needed diversity.

This was the first performance week. Girls on Tuesday. Guys on Wednesday. Bobsledding and alpine events on Thursday. I won't be reviewing the guys. Based on the quick-cuts preview they look like eleven Billy Elliotts and Fat Albert.

Hey there! Play the American Idol drinking game! Down a shot every time someone says "dream," "surreal," or "journey." You'll be drunker than Rip Torn in a bank by 1-800-IDOLS-03.

Ellen was disappointing. She liked everything and wasn't funny. Was she upset about something? Did someone take another little dog away from her? Come on, Ell. Don't leave the comedy burden to Kara.

But the big surprise was Randy. He actually gave good, knowledgeable critiques. Where were the "yo's" and "dawgs" and "mad vocals"? Maybe it wasn't Randy. Maybe it was Smokey Robinson in Eddie Murphy's Nutty Professor fat suit.

Now to the performances themselves. Helping me this week is the Princess of Snark, my daughter Annie. Hope I get the names right. They all have unusual spellings.

KrisTall was so impressive the judges liked her even though her teeth could not light Times Square. She sang well and played two instruments -- the guitar and harmonica. When she launched into her harmonica riff the audience went wild. You'd think she was playing a zither with her feet. But she's one to watch. And maybe with Zoom in-office bleaching treatments she could make the top 12.

For some reason the judges all loved Paiyj. Why? This was just another boring belter. Same with Ashleigh and Mischeyll. If this was Season Two we might've been thrilled by them. But it's season nine. They have to hold a final note for three minutes and deliver a baby on stage for us to be excited.

Janell is one of my favorites. She has a lovely tonal quality to her voice that... aw, who'm I kidding? I think she looks hot.

Lillleee is one of the few originals. She's the only one who looks like Tracey Ullman in a gray wig. She sang "Fixin' a Hole" by the Beatles; an odd choice but one that paid off.

Kaytlynne stepped center stage sporting a huge flock of curly hair. Annie said she looked like Tippi Hendren in The Birds. Especially with some black thing sticking out of her hair that made it look like she was being attacked. She did "Oh, Darling."

And then 16-year-old, Haellei, dressed as Bo Peep, sang "I Want to Hold Your Hand", which prompted my sweet child to say, "Beatles Rock Band comes out and everyone's a fucking singer!"

Layzcheey didn't make the top 24 last year but thanks to Aquafresh Whitening Dental Gum she did this season. She looks like a young punk rocker Vicki Lawrence. Her version of "Landslide" was so bad even Ellen hated it.

Deedi managed to sing her entire song without crying.

Kaytea is 17 going on 40. The judges didn't like her song selection, "Feeling Good," complaining it was too old for her. What do they want her to sing, the theme from "That's My Raven"? It's not like she did Sondheim's "I'm Still Here." I thought Kaytea sounded great. Big voice and a real maturity.

But my favorite girl this year is Siobhan. She's one of the more interesting and original contestants ever, and by that I mean weird. She's got an incredible voice, tremendous range, and takes chances. You never know what she's going to do or what that tattoo on her arm means. When she's not singing she's a glass blower apprentice, prompting Ryan to make a lame blowjob joke so fast you'd think he was in the cast of Two and a Half Men.

I think Layzcheey, Ashleigh, and Deedi are in trouble. Two will go home. The rest will live to floss another day.

Line of the night (at my house at least): Kara, who proved last night she should never go sleeveless, criticized Kaytlynne's look. When Ryan asked Kaytlynne what was the thought bubble over her head in reaction to Kara, Kara mouthed "bitch" and Annie said, "That's the thought bubble over everyone's head when you talk."

My darling daughter has fangs. And they're very white, by the way.

Read more by Ken here.