No, I Don't Have an iPhone

07/02/2007 02:38 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I've been asked to leave Los Angeles. The iPhone has been out for over three days now and I don't have one yet. In this town that's unacceptable.

Okay, I didn't get one Friday when they came out. All of the CAA agents made their assistants sleep out in front of Apple stores for four days to secure the first shipment. That's understandable.

But by Saturday afternoon I was starting to get the threatening calls. Did I not understand why I had to have an iPhone? Did I really think I could exist in the world without visual voicemail, the ability to activate my itunes, or with no touchscreen capability? How was I going to browse the web while driving? If I wanted to live in the stone age, fine, but not in SoCali.

I pleaded: My Sony Ericsson allows me to text message, take photos, download ringtones, play games, set alarms, IM, organize my calendar, and make phone calls. "Sony Ericsson?!" they scoffed. They hung up and two hours later my pet was missing.

I called the police to complain. They asked what I was calling on. When I told them they sent over a black-and-white and took me downtown for questioning. Did I not understand the iPhone allowed me to activate and sync video? I said I was allowed one phone call and they said, "Not on a Sony Ericsson you aren't."

On Sunday I went to the local park pool for a dip. All of the mothers became hysterical and yanked their kids out of the pool. I heard one yell, "We value keyboard video in this neighborhood!"

The pressure continued. On Sunday night someone burned an apple in my lawn.

Someday I'll get an iPhone. I'm sure the price will go down, more keen features will be added, and I'll again be able to rejoin civilized society. I just have to time it right. I don't want to get thrown out of Cleveland either.

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