The 2009 Tony Awards

I didn't watch them. I was covering the Dodgers-Phillies game instead. However, my brilliant but twisted daughter Annie Levine and her writing partner, Brock Wilbur did and filed this review. And if you were part of the 99% of America who didn't watch the show either, no problem. You'll still get some solid laughs. More than if I would have written it.

******

The problem with the Tony Awards: If you care about them, you're probably there.

But it was a great show. One of the best in years.

It opened with a montage of performances from the year's best musical nominees. The very first lines were sung by Elton John. Or so we assume? Sound problems plagued the show, and entire songs were inaudible. However, movie stars and rock musicians were deemed important enough to deserve working microphones. Case in point being the next performer: Brett Michaels and Poison. Does it count as hair metal if you need a toupee? The song was from "Rock of Ages," and they were surrounded by Broadway's version of 1980's Sunset Strip hair-metal groupies; girls vastly more talented than real groupies because they can dance WITHOUT a pole.

They were then joined on stage by Shrek, Liza Minelli, and the cast of "Hair." Coincidentally, it's the premise of our new sitcom pilot. Except they all run a pizza place.

Neil Patrick Harris, in a display of kindness, restricted his opening monologue to three minutes. Later, he closed the show with one of the best performances of the night, making it totally worth the five minutes he took from your local news. His parody of "Tonight" cleverly working in all the winners and suggesting a blowjob will get you a Golden Globe is why the Tonys remain the class of the award shows.

All of the ads were either for anti-depressants or anti-arthritis medication. We wonder who the target audience is. We're getting sort of depressed just thinking about it...maybe we need some Cymbalta...

Lauren Graham and Oliver Platt introduced "Sit Down, You're Rocking The Boat" by providing a plot synopsis of "Guys & Dolls." Is it conceivable that someone would be watching the Tonys, but wouldn't know "Guys & Dolls?"

Why is Maria in West Side Story always played by the whitest woman ever, while Anita is always played by a Carmen Miranda look-alike?

If your name is mentioned, you should probably smile. Odds are, the camera is about to pan your way. We're talking to you, James Gandolfini.

Annie's favorite part: Chris Siebert dancing on his knees as King Farquaad in Shrek. He should have won.

Brock's favorite part: When Mullet-Douche from Rock of Ages gave Liza Minelli a lap dance. Nobody won.

Poor Liza. She was so excited to have a microphone and her gay community that they practically needed a tranquilizer gun to get her off the stage.

Concern over Frank Langella lacking self-esteem was laid to rest, as he berated the Tony committee for his missing nomination.

Carrie Fischer was just happy to have escaped the hospital for the night. When did she go from the princess in the gold bikini to Jabba the Hutt?

Alice Ripley's acceptance speech for "Next to Normal" could have been touching, but she needs to work on her delivery. "INSPIRATIONAL WORDS" should rarely be shouted with the same force as "GIMME YOUR WALLET!"

Bebe Neuwirth introduced the "In Memorium" segment despite looking like a corpse herself. It'll be quite a stretch to see her next Broadway role as Morticia Adams.

How cute are the three little Billy Elliots? What a touchingly innocent acceptance speech, cut short by the network playing them off. These magic momen--

"Hair" definitely deserved to win Best Revival after their performance. It was even enough to make James Gandolfini smile...At least I think he was smiling. It was hard to tell with the lead male's crotch in his face.

How many members of the original cast of "Hair" are now bald???

Tonight's show took time to feature performers from touring companies. The only suitable response to "Mama Mia!" was "Jesus Christ!" Decidedly not superstar. Later, they featured five Frankie Valli's from the five different productions of "Jersey Boys". A fine concept, until they all started singing together, without the support of the other vocal parts. The resultant discord was less Broadway glamor and more drunken frat sing-along. But we were thrilled to see Andrew Rannells up there (from dad's yet-to-be-a-hit musical the 60s Project)! Hopefully next year he'll be up there as a nominee (Andrew, not dad. Well, dad too, but more Andrew).

It used to be that the offstage announcer occasionally dropped in a Tony fact or two. Now there are more statistics on the Tonys than the competing NBA Finals. Randy Thomas did great and never got confused. Not once did she say, "Angela Lansbury is 4 for 9 from the charity stripe."

Congratulations to all of the winners, nominees and performers. It was a GREAT show. Standing ovation!

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Comments

[WillCooney]

Neil Patrick Harris has to be the funniest presenter for the Tony's in years. The final song was just brilliant considering it was written as the show went along.

[Googolygoo]

No it wasn't, it was pre-written with alternates for each outcome:

http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/08/behind-the-music-the-true-story-of-neil-patrick-harriss-tony-awards-number-with-bonus-lyrics/

[Steamboater]

Even so, Harris did superb job.

[NHGranite]

Loved Mr Gandolfini's line about not being related to Shrek, and re camera panning to him: as hard as it was to tell, that was his smile

[Bulbul]

Well Ken, you Annie is going to beat you to the punch...
Love the review particulary about , Bebe, saw a bit of Liza. Basically I watched about thirty minutes of it.
Next time they should have Doogie host the oscars too...

[Tallulah Morehead - Huffpost Blogger]

Oooh, don't call him "Doogie." It was supposed to be a nickname for the fine Scottish name Douglas. A person I am EXTREMELY close to is named Douglas, and he says calling a Douglas "Doogie" will get you beaten to a pulp. Death to the name "Doogie."

[jennylens]

LOVED this review!! Got some heat on my Facebook profile asking why Maria so white? I had to detail flack Natalie Wood got (repeated on TCM by Rita Moreno). WHOLE point of West Side Story is RACISM. And nothing is more obvious than skin color. Oy! Please don't attack me. I'm asking what's the point of a bilingual presentation when the two leads are whiter than white?

"Sit Down" has to be boring song. Why not some of the beautiful LOVE ballads from "Guys and Dolls?" For a musical about love, they missed the boat on song choices.

Broadway is alive. Broadway hires OLDER WOMEN. NEVER seen so many over 40 year old women who looked soooo hot. Yes, some went under the knife, but they are WORKING.

I met ANGELA Lansbury at my local farmer's market. She is soooo sweet and humble. I was blown away. I screamed so loudly when she won, and Liza and so many others. Yes, tech problems and bad direction re those who've passed was alarming and inexcusable.

I saw Hair years ago and felt like 19 again when they started dancing in aisles (I was already outta my chair, singing and dancing). Hubba hubba, hot guys and amazing older women. On ONE stage. Gotta love that!

ENERGY and VIBRANT TALENT on that stage was AWESOME!! Too bad they couldn't mic it nor direct it better (some clothing choices were odd). But the talent, the music, the dancing, wow wow wow.

[Tallulah Morehead - Huffpost Blogger]

Josefina Scaglione, the Tony-nominated "White" woman playing Maria last night is from Buenos Aires. She IS a Latina, however pale she is. English is not her first language, though she is fluent in it.

In his new book, MOSTLY ON DIRECTING, Arthur Laurents describes the search to find a Maria who wasn't another Natalie Wood in dark make-up and a faked accent, and how excited they were to find her ON YOUTUBE, and how they fell in love with her work when they flew her to New York to audition. We didn't see enough of her Maria last night to judge her Maria, but Laurents, who wrote the show after all, and directed this revival, thinks her the first truly appropriate Maria.

SIT DOWN, YOU'RE ROCKIN' THE BOAT has ALWAY been a beloved showstopper, albeit the effeminate, flamboyant performance of it alst night hid that fact.

I was up in my living room, singing and dancing along with the HAIR cast also, and I saw Rado and Ragni do the show 41 years ago.

[jennylens]

LOVE your wonderful wit, screaming with laughter. Wish I could write so hysterically.

I know this Maria from Argentina (thanks to the net). Glad you like "Sit Down." I am so moved by love ballads, "I'll Know" and "If I were a bell," showing how love affects us. I get flack from straight men Broadway is too gay for them. I say, what about "Guys and Dolls?"

I am pea green w/envy you saw original "Hair" cast. Saw it twice in LA, Easter 1969 and July 20, 1969, my 19th b/day. When I returned to my college dorm, Armstrong was walking on moon for time.

Hopefully Tonys will make Hair cool again! Long hair and beads and free love! Where's the acid? Seriously, everything from pollution to peace always been timely, but this time around we manifest positive and lasting changes? I loved that was mentioned last night.

Have Laurents' autobiography, no time to read it. Gotta get "On Directing." Am sooo inspired at 91 he is directing it!! And he and Sondheim are still alive.

Listening to original Broadway recording right now! "Officer Krupke" is my fave! That's the punk in me! I am an early punk photographer, and pals ragged on me (via Facebook) that Brdwy and the Tonys aren't punk. I suggested they listen to the lyrics. Predated Ramones "We're a Happy Family" by two or so decades! Thanks again for your feedback!

[Steamboater]

The Jersey Boys were rotten and but all in all the show was terrific. Elton John still has it in him to sing the house down and Bebe Neuwirth is the whitest woman I ever saw. She looks like she has no blood. I've heard Liza perform previous to last night or tried to perform as she did on TV when married to the last queen and she was much better last night than then. Still, she should give up it up but she 's still a very good actress and should do character parts now instead of trying to revive something that will never come about again. It gets a little tired though with critics concerning themselves with her Gay audience. You never hear hear anyone single out a performer for their heterosexual audiences but Gays are always up for laughs. Anyone who's over a certain age knows "Guys and Dolls" too but this generation has little idea as to what the show is about, especially a generation more atuned to MTV and rap etc. The Tony's is also about bringing new audiences to Broadway so exlanations are necessary.

[Charity]

it's "fisher" not fischer.

and it's "in memoriam" not "in memorium."

in regard to the latter both the tonys and the oscars now tie for the worst presentation of those who have died during the past year. can't anyone get it right? just pipe it directly into our viewing screen, and forget about the funky directorial shots of the on-stage video.

[MichaelSedgwick]

It's "Minnelli," not "Menelli" or "Minelli." Can't believe that type of obvious error got past Blake, Annie, and Ken.

[craigmart]

At least they got the Liza with a Z correct.

[Tallulah Morehead - Huffpost Blogger]

Well, that's what happens when straight people write about Liza. None of them ever listened to the "Liza With a Z" album 1000 times 30 years ago, hearing Liza sing how to spell her last name over and over until it's drilled into their heads forever.

But is this the high school English teachers comments thread? Content folks. Never mind the typos. We ALL have tpros - ah - typos.

[mockingbird1]

Gee, and we know how hip and cutting-edge sitcom writers. And funny. This was so funny. Ken, you should always write your own columns.