I've met some fascinating and accomplished women, and I'm becoming more comfortable around the dating process. It does, however, continue to present its challenges. I still feel anxious when I reject a woman's online invitation, or when a woman rejects mine. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I don't want mine hurt either. Rejections remind me that no one is everyone's cup of tea. It's an ego adjustment.
Online dating profiles don't really explain a person, and chemistry requires a face-to-face, so online dating has its limitations. Then there's the issue of dating etiquette, which doesn't appear to exist at all, and since there aren't any rules, dating behavior ranges from polite to rude. I've received responses from women who insist they've met their true love and are dating him exclusively, but are open to friendship. I have enough friends already, and I find it curious that a woman who has found the love of her life still posts her profile online. Spiders don't take their webs down when they've caught their dinner. Perhaps there's a parallel.
If I meet a woman, and we date and like each other, what's the next step? I realized after a brief relationship recently, that I wasn't ready to trust her. This became clear when a few weeks into the relationship, she wanted to step it up to the next level -- commitment -- and I backed off. I was anxious in part because a few weeks just aren't enough for me to feel trusting.
But trying to go slow in a dating world that operates at supersonic speed is difficult, because it's really easy to get caught up in the partnering race. There's enormous pressure, both self-imposed and societal, to be in a relationship. But rushing to fall in love makes falling in love impossible for me, because the pressure to commit doesn't allow my feelings to develop naturally. In truth, falling in love is hard to resist in midlife. Finding a partner is important to me, mostly for the right reasons.
In a fledgling relationship, issues like dating exclusively and consistently showing up emotionally, require serious consideration because they imply intention. When the feeling that something wasn't working for me in my new relationship kept plaguing me, I figured it was time to regroup. She was pressuring me to become sexual and go with the flow, neither of which felt okay with me. For me, this isn't the time for 60s casual morality, and bouncing back from a failed relationship is too painful to just go with the flow.
After a half-dozen dates, I began noticing the cracks in our relationship, and some were too big to paint over. I felt foolish for having gone off to the races so quickly. Sure, she had pushed for more intimacy, but I didn't have to acquiesce. My old demon, the need to feel loved, had been activated. I've defeated this pesky nemesis, but he's resilient. Staying out of my head and remaining true to my feelings is my best defense. So I gave my thoughts a rest and opted out of our brief relationship based entirely on my feelings.
We had glibly skipped the courting phase. But I need to court, because that's when it's still possible to see the other person without rose-colored glasses, and determine whether or not the relationship has legs. It's also an opportunity to discover the sweet subtleties of a woman's nature. Skipping the courting phase is a huge mistake for me, because courting is the only way I know how to fall in love. I won't repeat this mistake.
Fortuitously, our first big disagreement became our last, because it pointed to a bleak future in terms of resolving problems. I shared my feelings with her about something she'd done that had genuinely hurt my feelings. Her response was that I wasn't being emotionally honest. Since she had read my articles on emotional honesty in Huff/Post50, I was surprised by her accusation.
I told her that in fact I had just shared my emotional truth with her, and that my feelings are my absolute truth. Then she tried to convince me that my feelings weren't valid. Discounting, minimizing or judging another person's feelings is insulting and indicates a total lack of resolution skills. Circular arguments only occur when feelings are ignored in favor of opinions. Life's too short to engage in pointless arguments. Game over.
That we hadn't become sexual yet made ending our brief relationship uncomfortable, but uncomplicated. I felt good about having stuck to my guns regarding not becoming sexual too soon. A month of dating had exposed the absence of qualities I feel are important. I doubt I would have been able to see that clearly if we'd been sexual, because being sexual early in my past relationships had invariably obscured the problems and delayed the inevitable.
I'm sharing my dating anxiety in the certainty I'm not the only guy to experience mixed feelings about a woman. I hope this helps others who are uncomfortable in their relationships but can't articulate why. I didn't share my concerns about our relationship as soon as I might have, but a month isn't really enough time to be clear about anything. I'm reconsidering my dating behavior with the goal of becoming more adept at sharing my feelings more quickly. I'm also slowing down the getting-to-know-you process. I'm optimistic.
(Check out the slideshow below for five places to meet single people over 50.)
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So...you think that in the early "courting before sex" phase you're really seeing the other person without rose colored glasses?
I'd say that happens "when the honeymoon is over", and you realize you're living your life with a complex human being rather than the sum of your projections and fantasies.
But, all that aside - I have to say that you're stuff is endlessly entertaining, Ken. It's a hoot and a half, really!
I don't know if you have been to any real, professional therapy, or the men's groups you yourself organize are what you mean by "working on yourself", because it seems you don't have any grasp of what relationships are like. You want connection/intimacy, and fear it at the same time. One way to avoid relationships is to set impossible (which does not equal high) standards, so that no one ever meets all criteria, and which thus allows you to avoid intimacy without ever admitting to yourself that you fear intimacy.
I worry that something is wrong with my perspective when I feel that a casual date should not imply that I am interested in courting. Courting feels like there is a goal in mind. I would just like to go see a movie, or spend a day paddling in the kayaks and not feel uncomfortable about not being ready for a commitment. But at the same time, not give the impression that it is completely out of the question, someday, most likely not anytime soon.
So, after sharing this post with my wife, I asked her if I can try dating again (...just to see if I still had it). She said, "..sure, go ahead. Maybe you'll get it right the next time".
Women can be so cruel. Guess I'll just mow the lawn.
A "let's be friends" approach and see what happens is hogwash. Friends are everywhere and anywhere. If you date 2-3 times and recognize that the relationship has possiblities and both feel the saem way, why not date exclusively for awhile? If it doesn't, then it will end quickly. Time to move on.
If the relationship has a chance, time will tell because you will learn more about each other as it progresses. If a lady proclaims that all of her ex-suitors remained her friend, I would question whether she really wants any kind of a commitment.
I, too, love motorcycles and ride mine every chance I get. While I like everything you said, I disagree with one point (Not being relationship material after 50 w/out having money). I am over 50 and don't have a lot of money. But there's more to a relationship than just having money. I possess a lot of things that money can't buy (...wisdom and kindness being at the top). Nonetheless, there's more to life than money. But, much like you, I don't have time for a sponge in my life, either. I'm happy when my dog chooses not to push his food out of his bowl with his nose! Take care, my friend.
In this culture it is taught that the egoic mind must lead, and the tender heart, suspected of irrationality and foolishness and femininity, must follow. Yet it is in the heart where true love lies, where soul energy, spontaneity, exuberant joy and love of life reside.
There is not a heart in the human world that, were it assured of safety, would not open instantly. It is all an issue of fear. The mind with its fear wants assurances, makes lists and rules, erects walls and obstructions and objections and complex belief systems, makes drama, gets offended, all as a way to allay and protect against fear.
And so many choose to live in anger and fear and ego and lose sight of heart and love. Underneath anger is fear and underneath fear is longing.
The heart knows the soul better than the mind does. And unless the mind is in service of the heart and love, it becomes a warped and twisted master than blocks the flow of love.
We live in a world of science and mindfulness which is actually empty mindlessness in the over-all big picture. We are surrounded by pretentious gurus laying claim to everything from mastery of God to what's best and right for the world, not coincidentally just like them. Science has replaced spiritualism and profit has replaced love of humankind. I applaud you for your understanding. Today I have met two enlightened souls, you will no doubt meet the other one if you stay on blogs long enough, I did. Namaste to you and yours, you are a blessing.
Feelings are often based on erroneous beliefs and false perceptions. When I saw a snake on the floor of a hut where I was staying the night, fear feelings arose. Shining a flashlight on the floor, I realized the form was a piece of rope, not a snake. False belief, erroneous perception and feeling.
Egoic thoughts and feelings block access to the heart and soul where true deep emotions and essence lie. Ruled by fear, the ego seeks to maintain control and give the illusion of safety. The heart knows when true love and the heart's desire beckon.
Fear is never love and love is not afraid. There is nothing to lose for love. Why should love be afraid? Love only gives. It is not a business transaction. Love enjoys giving, as naturally as flowers release their fragrance. Love is outgoing, fearlessly reaching to the other, tremendously trusting that it will be received --- and it will. Fear is shrinking within yourself, closing yourself.
If you must fear, be afraid of your ego, which blocks love, the love that can make a great celebration out of your life.
To me, his article shows that he has little dating experience, for whatever reason.