Statistically for men, second marriages fail at a much higher rate than first marriages. The reason is simple, and it's critical every woman contemplate it before marrying a divorced man. Many men fail to glean the lessons from their failed marriages and consequently never heal their wounds. Many aren't even aware they're the walking wounded. Boomer women might consider not wasting time and energy in doomed relationships with zombies who are just going through the motions.
Why don't more men work through their anger and pain after divorce? Most don't know how to, where to, or even what it means to work through it. What I offer is experiential information gleaned over twenty years working with men in small groups.
Individual therapy can help a man move beyond his pain and anger. But that's generally a long, drawn-out process, and its success heavily depends on the caliber of the therapist. Considering the cost, and that a relatively small percentage of therapists are competent, that's just rolling the dice. There's far too much credence given to therapy as the universal solution for resolving divorce issues. What I offer is a better, tried and true method for men to work through their pain and anger from divorce, and it's absolutely free.
In the first year that my men's group met, four of the eight men divorced. While that sounds like a disaster scenario, that fifty-percent number accurately reflects the national percentage for divorce. No one encouraged these men to divorce, but what they had, that few other men have, was an unconditional peer support system. When men raged against the women they felt wronged them, they were encouraged instead to talk about the pain they were experiencing that was behind that rage.
The men encouraged each other to talk about their divorce issues until they were able to clearly see their roles in their failed marriages. For two men this was a fairly rapid process. For two men who avoided dealing with their pain, healing, not surprisingly, remained elusive. In the end, the two men who had focused on their behavior were ready to date. The other two who chose to ignore their behavior and blame their ex-wives instead, didn't move past their pain. They were more interested in finding women to comfort them, which of course, is a guarantied recipe for relationship disaster.
All four men remarried. The two who had worked through their divorce issues married terrific women who appreciated that their new partners had come into their relationships healed and emotionally whole. Their marriages remain solid nearly two decades later. The two men who hadn't worked through their divorce issues were not surprisingly, the first to remarry. One divorced in under a year. The other remains in a dysfunctional marriage. You can lead a horse to water, but...
What kind of man ignores the truth about his emotional well-being and forges ahead blindly? A man who's okay with inflicting his relationship issues on his next wife, not a particularly desirable wedding gift. If you're a woman thinking about marrying a divorced guy, particularly a recently divorced guy, think again, unless you know with some certainty he's done the healing work.
Whether you're a man or a woman, ignoring the obvious and hoping for the best seems foolish considering the amount of available, worthwhile relationship information. Over 50 men and women are too seasoned and experienced to simply ignore the statistics. I strongly believe there's great magic in marriage, but it's the kind of magic that's relies on careful choices, not pulling a rabbit out of a hat.
The numbers aren't in your favor if you throw caution to the wind and proceed glibly. Want to know where he is in the divorce healing process? Ask him, and listen carefully to his answer, and then decide whether or not you feel he's a good bet. Considering the brutal second-marriage, male divorce statistics, that just seems smart.
It is hard enough to get my clients (women over 40) to get out there to meet people, and reading depressing articles like this exacerbates the problem. Be kind, be motivating and be informed - second marriages work with partners who have done the healing work and are ready for a mature, healthy, loving relationship. xoxo Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach www.nevertoolate.biz
Information is power, and when Boomers decide to take the marital plunge, they need all the pertinent information they can garner.
What seems depressing to me, is a woman who marries a man who purports to be "fine" after his divorce, but isn't, and she ends up having to deal with the issues he failed to address while or after he was married. While i only quoted one article, there are many more than offer the same dismal statistics.
Keep up the good work, Ronnie.
Where is the link ? Can you provide a link ?
http://www.terryreal.com/press/pdfs/marriage_divorce_in_america-FS.pdf
Perhaps we don't hear about this because 1) women shoulder such burdens as a matter of course and 2) women are often sensitive to the "fragile" egos of the men they are with, so down play their contribution while deliberately inflating their husband's contributions.
What I find interesting, as I contemplate the women I know representing several generations (the oldest would be in her 90s now), is that none held onto anger and resentment over the money they had earned or how they were exploited. Some were still angry, it's true, but always about relationship betrayals, or the lack of relationship these men had with their children after divorce. The money? Well, most would agree, you can't take it with you.
It's no wonder these poor men have trouble in second marriages.
The fact that they are getting married twice should be cause for concern and the possibility of mental illness or some neurological disorder that results in poor self-image and masochistic behavior.
My first piece of advice to someone who was marrying another who had a previous marriage, would be to discuss it, discuss it, discuss it. If he/she is resistent to discussion, that is very telling. It likely means they have not visited the topic sufficiently. Rugswept it.
Sure, it can be pure emotional hell trying to understand what happened to a failed marriage. This process is not meant to be easy. But it has a purpose: to heal before moving on again. Its crucial to learn your part in the failed marriage, and even more importantly, what part that is not your responsibility.
When we move on too quickly to have our wounds licked by someone else, (in my case my husband dove immediately into a relationship with the women with whom he had the marriage ending affair), it means the work was never done. I think its imperative to heal first, preferably alone for a period of time, before we have any right to bring someone else into our hell of unfinished, unresolved emotional baggage. Its only fair.
We should learn from our mistakes in our previous marriages. What I don't like about this article is that it seems that this guy is saying that men must come to grips with the fact that their divorces were their fault or they'll never be succeed in marriage. Come on, marriage is a two way street. Those of us who are divorced probably all made mistakes and weren't as good as spouses as we could have been, regardless of our gender. Women are the ones most likely to be unhappy in marriage though. Could it be that we men aren't always the cause of the dissatisfaction our wives have in our marriages? Women who marry women can't stay married. Maybe it isn't always us.
While this is true for some women too, most do the emotional work around their first divorces with other women and glean some lessons.
When men understand that being in touch with their emotions isn't a sign of weakness, but is in fact a sign of strength, their second marriage divorce rates will fall.
I look at divorce rates and how at least twice as many women than men file for divorce, and I have to wonder if maybe it's women who just don't get it. Maybe they expect way too much, and don't appreciate what they have. I think men probably do more for women today than they ever have. I handle a lot of immigration cases now as a lawyer and I deal with so many men bringing "old fashioned" wives from different countries. They're sick of spoiled American women. And when I talk to these women I often hear that American men are much sweeter to them than the old fashioned men from their countries and do so much more to help them around the house. I heard this recently from a psychologist from a wealthy family in Brazil when talking about her American husband. I know I sure as heck did a whole lot more than my father or my ex father-in-law.
"He's probably bitter and angry and will find new and ingenious ways to punish any woman he spends time with"
Gee, that seems a little harsh. No doubt there are a lot of walking wounded men out here, both bitter and angry at their ex-wives and the Family Court system, but that does not translate into "finding new and ingenious ways to punish any women".
Most men are like you, they realize "not all women do these things" and try to find someone nicer and better suited the second time around.
I know lots of guys who were reamed by the divorce system, but none of them are like that, and some have been happily living with new mates for decades.