Sh*t My Kids Say

For any parent, having a sense of humor is helpful in making it through a day with sanity intact. For my partner Russ and I, given our challenges as gay parents, it is absolutely essential. Luckily, our boys Mason (11) and Marcus (9) say so much funny stuff that it is usually easy to find laughter in our everyday life. Here are just a few exchanges from the past year, pulled from my facebook updates:

Marcus (singing): "I hate you, you hate me, let's get together and kill Barney..."
Me: "What did Barney ever do to you?"
Marcus: "He stabs people. He's friends with Chucky."
Me: "What?!?"
Marcus: "It's true. I heard it on the news."

Marcus: "If you have a wife, you mostly have to listen to her. Girls are bossy, right?"

Me (in Cockney accent): "It's time to get ye to school, Harry Potter!"
Marcus: "Dad, he doesn't speak French..."

Me, scoffing, to our 11-year-old: "Mason, you don't want to be popular... "
Mason: "Yes, I do. I'm on that trajectory."

Marcus, to me: "Babies are cryin' -- Get a move on, Mama!"

Russ, as Marcus yawns: "You look sleepy."
Marcus: "No, I just need oxygen."

Marcus, to me: "You can't get it, cuz you're old."

While at Subway Sandwiches...
Me: "Marcus, don't play with your privates."
Marcus: "But they're jiggily!"

Marcus: "Why does a Pirate say 'Arr'?"
Me: "Why?"
Marcus: "Cause he's singing ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW -- No, wait. ABCDEF -- "

Me: "Are you being a musician, Sweetie?"
Marcus: "No, I'm just doin' music."

Marcus: "I'm glad Butterfingers were invented."

Marcus: "You've just gotta let me stay up until 10! There is an important new show on tonight!"
Me: "What is it?"
Marcus: "My Babysitter is a Vampire!"

Me: "How did that pine cone get into our garage?"
Mason: "Trust me, Dad, there are lots of ways."

Marcus, in his sleep: "(Name unintelligible) is NOT a Piggy! Well, he kinda is, but not that much."

Me: "How many Red Vines did you take?"
Marcus: "None."
"Is that the truth?"
"Yes."
"You promise?"
"Yes."
"So you want to go to bed?"
Silence.
"How many Red Vines did you take?"
"One."
"You only took one Red Vine?"
"Yes..." Pause. "But not tonight."
Deep sigh, from me.
"Okay, Marcus -- How many Red Vines did you take?"
Pause.
"Three."
Another pause.
Me: "I'm going to turn off the Wii."
Pause.
Marcus: "Maybe five."

Marcus, on Cowboys & Aliens: "The goodest part of the movie was the bad words."

Marcus: "Okay, people -- who is lookin' for a boyfriend, cuz I am available."

I bought Marcus a cool hoodie tonight, but he was very upset that the arms were a bit long. A little while later...
Marcus: "Daddy, do sleeves grow???"

Marcus: "Guess what?"
Me: "What?"
Marcus: "Chicken Butt."

Mason: "Marcus, you are seriously off-topic."

Marcus: "Daddy, can I have the password for your laptop?"

Me: "Marcus, if you don't get dressed right now, you won't be able to buy Candy-grams at school."
Marcus: "They stopped selling them yesterday, so I don't have to obey you -- Sucka!"

Marcus: "Daddy, you know when I say I hate you that I really love you -- Right?"

And, just this morning, before compiling this post --

Marcus: "I'm a sidekick."

Truer words have never been spoken.