The actions we take and decisions we make in life ultimately lead to specific outcomes. Some of these outcomes we can anticipate, and others we are simply blindsided by. One brave divorced mother decided to share her very personal, poignant and heartfelt story on my www.SecretRegrets.com online confessional. The story touched so many fans of my Secret Regrets project, and has received a lot of attention after being featured in my bestselling book, Secret Regrets: What if You Had a Second Chance?
This brutally honest story of regret brings many issues to the surface that so many married couples deal with. Issues that, if left unresolved or are ignored, often result in the breakups of marriages -- and the breakdown of families. This woman's realizations and admissions can help encourage each of us to identify what's truly important in our lives and to see if we are living life and making decisions that genuinely reflect that. If we are, we may be able to avoid a lifetime of irreversible regret. Here is her story:
"If I had a second chance, I would have quit my job when my children were born. I would have not made so many excuses to say, 'I have to work.' Because they were mostly lies. Lies told, because honestly, the weeks I did spend at home scared me to death. It was easier to hire someone to mother them, and pay her to do my job.
I would have not made excuses for only nursing my babies for a few months. I would have told my husband and my friends and my mother-in-law that I would raise my children. The heck with what they 'wanted' or 'expected' or thought I should do. My mother-in-law, although very nasty about the fact that I 'worked,' was more than happy to take my kids on weekends, when I was more than happy to be 'so tired' to raise them myself. My husband and I broke up anyway, as our lives diverged, and without family time to hold us together, we were just spending money, and making excuses for not being with our children.But I was too obsessed with 'my life' and how I thought I was supposed to live it. Make money, have fun, be everything to all people, except those who really should mean the most to me. I was selfish, and self-absorbed. I wish I could go back and make the difference when it counts.
Now my children have no time for me. At first I was angry, but I understand. I always made excuses as to why I never had time for them. Or took them on a few errands and told people we were taking quality time. All BS. It was about me then.
Now it's too late. They have their own lives, and as my ex and I 'worked' all the time, our children learned to get comfort elsewhere. They expect us to pay for school, which we are doing, and to lend them money, which we do, but it is an artifact of our poor self-absorbed parenting that we feel we have to give them things and money, instead of giving them our time, when we had the chance.
I wish I could change the past. I'd have my children, say the heck with the huge house, and the big screen TV, and the new car every few years, and the vacations, the expensive food, the eating out, the business suits I thought I 'needed,' the radical shoes, the thought that I 'needed' lunch out every day, and the cost of day care. None of which was necessary. I would stop all the excuses, say 'NO' to spending money on anything but the essentials, forget the BS that I 'deserved' what I earned for myself, and spend my time at home and being with my children.
Now, their only concerns are what my ex and I can do for them. And, I realize they do this because we bought what we thought was love for too long. I hope they can be there for their children, but I am afraid the pattern will continue.
So, as we move forward, we continue to open the checkbook instead of our hearts." - Anonymous
If you have a divorce-related or parenting-related regret, you can freely and anonymously post it at www.SecretRegrets.com, and read additional similar regrets in Secret Regrets: What if You Had a Second Chance?
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If this author actually was able to tell the truth, she would know that if given the chance to do motherhood again, she would do the exact same thing.
If you have any sense of responsibility and integrity,when you create a situation you suck it up and do what needs to be done. Its called being an adult. Its called being a parent.
If you follow your own selfish tendencies to the bitter end, then you bathe in the amber glow of hindsight and say if only and then expect a pat on the back for finally admitting what a total jerk you were.
And more importantly, If she was actually capable of telling herself the truth and honestly wanted to make amends for her choices, maybe she could admit that if given the chance to do it all over she would have decided not to have any kids at all.
.. and, most parents aren't the slightest bit aware or capable of dealing with it.
they lose through their children.
Condolences.
I used to judge people who would "not be looking for a serious relationship" after undergrad college or who "wanted to establish a career before family" but I am tired of being judged for the choices I made that are right for me by people who either don't know or don't understand my choices and why they are right for me. That's why I no longer judge people who say and do those things, because I don't know what made them decide those things are what's best for them.
This is one employed mom that wouldn't judge me and say that all my problems would be solved if only I got a job. I respect her knowing that she respects my choice as having been what's right for
And my mom and I both are a place my kids can call and unload on what is happening to them. Sometimes it's 3 five minute phone calls as they are driving. Be interested in what they are doing.
As they are still in school, it can become better when they graduate. My daughter despised my guts in her teen ways, preferring my ex. Now she calls every day, those calls healed our relationship.
A book I found helpful was "Walking on Eggshells", on how to be careful when talking to your adult children and their significant others.
Sometimes it's good to talk about the elephant in the room, and apologize in person to the kids. Therapy for oneself is not a bad idea either. Attending a good church can help heal families as well.
Now is a different time from when the children were younger. You are a different person. As my kids say if I fret over a mess up I did when they were younger, that's over now and forgotten. Be the best person you can be now.
My mom was devoted to us, but also began drinking when I was 11, continuing until I was 54. She did the best she could in her situation much of the time, but she sacrificed us for her fun part of the time too, perhaps too much.
It's been 30 years since she stopped drinking, and she made a huge effort to repair the damage. She helped out when I was laid up from childbirth and surgery, she babysat as much as she could, and took care of the kids after school when they were younger. I know that was to make up for not always being there when I was young.
Kids know they can use the guilt of the woman in the article to get money. Start helping out in other ways, what you didn't do for them when they were young. Otherwise, wanting to be with them is just more of getting what you want, instead of what they need.
For example, when my kids are short on time to buy small things they need, I give them my time shopping for it. Sometimes I pay for it, sometimes I ask them for the money. I'm their "personal shopper".
Tonight I shall say a prayer for you. God Bless. Just me in NY
We read to and took the kids anywhere-they knew and know they are the center and love of our lives. When I look at my children I see their Dad's eyes and my freckles and I love to be with them. Sometimes I want to read my book and I do it in the living room so my 12 year old can share youtube videos with me.
I regret we dont have more money so they are able to go to college without debt. That is about it- occassionally I have disapproved of my parenting but overall I adore them and they know it. Today we are going to the stage park with our 22 your daughter her boyfriend and the Corgi- state parks are Free....
People like this have let peer pressure manage how they lived- If someone came and showed me cool expensive shoes I would not want them- I would think the person was a fool.
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