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Kevin A. Hansen

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Father's Day 2012: 8 Heartfelt 'Dear Dad' Secret Regrets

Posted: 06/15/2012 12:20 pm

Father's Day has a way of reminding us of the important things we want to say, should say, or should have said to our fathers. This can be especially true for children of divorce. For some, expressing ourselves comes easy. For others, it can be so difficult that the words that need to be said have never been spoken to the men that need to hear them.

A surprisingly large number of people have anonymously shared those difficult words of regret to me through my website, and many are featured in my book, Secret Regrets: What if you had a Second Chance?. With my Secret Regrets community, people have found a safe place to anonymously confess the biggest regrets of their lives. They realize that no matter what they are going through -- they are not alone. Many of these secret regrets focus on the relationships between children and their parents -- specifically fathers.

For Father's Day, I have scoured the 25,000+ regrets that have been confessed to me on SecretRegrets.com and chosen eight of the most heartfelt and heartbreaking "Dear Dad" regrets.

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Father's Day has a way of reminding us of the important things we want to say, should say, or should have said to our fathers. This can be especially true for children of divorce. For some, expressing...
Father's Day has a way of reminding us of the important things we want to say, should say, or should have said to our fathers. This can be especially true for children of divorce. For some, expressing...
 
 
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02:56 PM on 06/30/2012
Being open to the kids is the best way for them to have no regrets growing up with divorced parents. Both parents could adjust for their kids so they could accept what had become of the family. http://womensdivorcelawreview.com
12:52 AM on 06/23/2012
great expectations lead to great disappointment...be them Hollywood stars or a common couple....best is to learn to compromise a bit and change oneself a bit before expecting it all from the other side.It takes 2 to tango or both hands to clap ...may i say...
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Kevin A. Hansen
07:06 PM on 06/26/2012
Thanks for commenting! Compromising is so important! Kevin
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Crystal Ware
Crystal McCormick
11:23 AM on 06/20/2012
My ex is doing a good enough job getting his kid to not like or respect him, especially telling her what he does for his garden tool's daughters and his cousin's illegitimate offspring, along with his countless nieces and nephews who used and will continue to use him. It pains me, but I keep my mouth shut. She is a smart girl and knows now that she isn't the priority, he is his own best fan.
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Kevin A. Hansen
07:07 PM on 06/26/2012
Sorry to hear this. Thanks for sharing, and I hope things get better soon! Kevin
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MsLiss96
02:29 AM on 06/18/2012
Dear Dad,

I'm sorry that it took an illness for us to become closer. It was so difficult to watch you slip away from us once you came home from the hospital. But mom and I were where we wanted to be; with you. We'd do it all over again if we were given the chance. I am grateful that you got to meet and get to know your grandson. You were his buddy and he misses you every day. Mom is doing the best she can without you, as are all of us. But I know you know that she misses you more than words can say. There are days I want to talk to you about school, life, or just about anything. I want to call you on the phone, but I can't anymore. It kills me that you won't be able to walk me down the isle when I get married, or see anymore of your grandchildren. There is more I want to say, but I'm too broken to put them into words. You showed me what a true father is and I will never forget that. It's funny how I spent most of my life trying to date people who were nothing like you. Now I want to be with someone who is like you. It's been 7 months since you left us, and I know you're in a much better place. But sadly, life for me will never be the same.

Love always,
Your Gracie.
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Kevin A. Hansen
07:10 PM on 06/26/2012
Gracie, your letter really touched me. Thank you so much for sharing it! I'm so sorry for your loss. Always carry the memories with you. Please take care! Kevin
02:09 AM on 06/18/2012
Dear Dad,

I wish you had never gotten married or had children.
Thanks for ruining my life.
12:55 AM on 06/23/2012
Sad but please look for a bigger cause to live..ur life..... there are many far more unfortunate than u ...so feel blessed and move on..may be helping someone in need or...such acts will help u live for a greater reason or cause...try helping in some old homes.....
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Kevin A. Hansen
07:10 PM on 06/26/2012
I hope things get better for you soon. Please take care. Kevin
10:04 PM on 06/17/2012
Mothers who try to turn their children against their father because of their own selfish reasons are wrong and when their children grow up they lose their children's trust and possibly a relationship with them. If a father and mother have personal conflicts but the husband is a good father it is not fair to try to sabotage that realationship. After all Mom did make him their father mmm
12:43 AM on 06/18/2012
You're right - any parent that turns their children against the other is selfish and hateful. It's a shame those people have children to start with. Divorce is hard for kids to get a grip on - even when their parents fight all the time and they know it's probably best, that's hard to reason when you're a kid caught up in adult problems. It is just so wrong to be hateful about the other parent to the kids.
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Kevin A. Hansen
07:12 PM on 06/26/2012
Thanks for sharing Nomina, I have seen this happen to so many people who have posted similar regrets on www.SecretRegrets.com. So sad. Kevin
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Lynda Byrd Smith
09:54 PM on 06/17/2012
Those who genuinely love their children, work vigorously to protect relationships that are vital to the child's emotional health. Conversely, those who use their child (or children) to punish someone that the child loves, sacrifice a part of the child that can never be recovered. This is not love, it is the exact opposite. It is selfishness in its most destructive form and is abusively exploitative.
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Kevin A. Hansen
07:13 PM on 06/26/2012
I agree. Thanks Lynda!
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BlueCollarChick
Be the person your dog thinks you are.
09:45 PM on 06/17/2012
Dear Dad,

I didn't turn out too bad. You did the best you could. I love you and miss you.

Love,
Me
12:56 AM on 06/23/2012
God bless u and be positive....
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Kevin A. Hansen
07:14 PM on 06/26/2012
Thanks for sharing! I'm sure he's proud of you! Kevin
09:37 PM on 06/17/2012
These are just more mean Daddy letters. How about, " Dear Da, I regret that we didn't get to know each other better. I regret that until I was a parent, that I didn't understand the love, wisdom and patience you had for me. I regret that you didn't live longer, all the love and laughter you showered on my little boy, was what I thought I missed, but watching you two together was a double dose of love, for if you didn't love me, you wouldn't have loved my son with such an open a heart and arms. I regret I didn't tell you how much I loved you, still do, always will."
09:34 PM on 06/17/2012
My ex, my daughter's Father, began having affairs almost as soon as we were married. I was too stupid and naive to know it, however, until he started an affair with my sister. He left me and our 2 little girls and married my sister. He had almost no contact with his daughters after the divorce. He was busy raising his nephews. Uncle Daddy. My oldest daughter has had a really hard time of it. He told them both, if they wanted a relationship with him they would have contacted him and made arrangements to see him. What a guy. It breaks my heart because my daughter has tried so hard in her adult life to gain his love and approval. He has no idea what a wonderful woman she is. He doesn't know her children, his grand children. It is his loss, but it still hurts her so badly.
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10:04 PM on 06/17/2012
What goes around comes around, he's not happy, trust me. Your sister did the ultimate betrayal and will answer to God someday. You are blessed to have a relationship with your children and your ex has lost out and will never get that back. God bless
12:56 AM on 06/18/2012
I hate that happened to your daughter and grandchildren. No matter how old she is or how long she lives, it'll bother her. Her adult brain will know he's a flawed person, but the daughter's brain will always be hurt by it. I'm 54, my father is 78 (today). My parents divorced when I was 12. My 12 year old heart remembers having my suitcase packed waiting for my dad to pick me up on his visitation weekend only to have him call from a girlfriend's house and say he couldn't pick me up (sometimes I could hear her kids in the background). I remember my mother having to find him before he went to work to see if he had his half of the money for my $40 glasses. I remember him being $3,000 behind in child support, standing in front of the judge and telling him that he had a new family to support. My adult brain tries to deal with it, but my daughter-brain and heart have a really hard time with it all. I hope your daughter finds some peace with how badly her father treated her. Sometimes on long nights when I can't sleep these things cross my mind and I cry for what I lost, what my dad lost but never gives it a thought. It sounds that you, like my mother, tried to make up for it and bless you for that. Please give your daughter a hug for me!
09:01 PM on 06/17/2012
I never talked bad about the kids deadbeat father and 2 decades later he drops into their lives and think he is some saint of a father now that they are raised and forget I was the one there for them. But at least I can sleep at night knowing I did the right thing for them.
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rbrady6925
09:34 PM on 06/17/2012
Yes, I'm sure you did the right thing. My philandering husb. left before our 2nd child was born. When I decided to divorce, I said if I never mentioned his name I would not talk about him. They have drawn their own opinions, and have some relationship with him, altho they are 600 miles apart. I;m OK with that.
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Kevin A. Hansen
07:17 PM on 06/26/2012
Thanks for sharing. You did the right thing! No regrets! Kevin
11:04 PM on 06/26/2012
Thank you.
08:46 PM on 06/17/2012
i feel for some of these people. especially the one whos mother told her to hate her father. if ur reading these there are people who understand. i come from a broken home. where my mother always said my dad was a deadbeat piece of s***, and a father who always taught me that my mothers a crazy who**. alwasy telling me im sh** and ill never amount to anything. i just had to accept the sad truth that theyre both garbage. :(
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Kevin A. Hansen
07:18 PM on 06/26/2012
Thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear how you got put in the middle of everything. Please take care. Kevin
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08:26 PM on 06/17/2012
I'm a female, have 2 kids, but as CRAPPY & SELFISH many times as their real dad was to them growing up, I never kept him from them, or vice versa. He was, still is selfishness at it's finest- sad but so. Always told him- wait till they grow up, they will know. Now they are early 20s and he's doing his damnedest to fix it, but he's still too selfish to truly get it. Doesn't make for great relationships at all. Women are more emotional, mean and nasty and vindictive and cannot NOT go out of their way to be nice to the dad of their kids. The mom's talk crap about the dads, try to turn the kids against them, only care about child support then don't want the dad around at all and most make it difficult, lie to the kids and play they are the great mom parent and the dad SUCKS on every level. Kids grow up, start to see the true story and it turns them against their moms and they do become closer to their dads later on- that's the plus of it all. Either parent- when you hate your kids' dad, you hate that part of your kids and the harm you do to the other parent, you selfishly do to your kids. Grow up, get over it and let go and STOP using your kids as pawns in your sick game of getting even- that's all it is Same to dads
08:25 PM on 06/17/2012
Thanks Kevin for bringing out the best kept secret of the feminists...
You always hear about the deadbeat dads but never about the dead beat moms. You always hear about the abusive dads & now you've uncovered the abusive moms.
Yes they exist & their emotional abuse is as damaging as the abusive dad's physical abuse.
Let's face it, for every 1 "bad" dad there is 1 "bad" mom out there.
Let's get it all out of the closet.
12:59 AM on 06/18/2012
Women can be vicious about an ex-husband - I've known that for a long time. Any parent that uses their children as pawns in adult problems doesn't deserve to have them. It's a shame but it happens and the kids are the ones that pay the price.
11:47 AM on 06/18/2012
My mom was a deadbeat mom, from an emotional sense. My dad had his fair share of missteps, but he took responsibility for continuing to parent us, and my mom just gave up and sat on the couch watching TV for 15 years. Now, we treat her almost like the clueless child of the family, and Dad is our best friend. So yes, there are plenty of bad moms out there and they cause plenty of emotional damage in their path.
08:25 PM on 06/17/2012
I am so happy that my children have strong relationships with their father. Its not right for Mom to tell the children what a louse the father is/was. What happened between you & your husband has nothing to do with the relationship the children have with their Father. Shame on you who try to divide the children.. its just not right.