If you're like me, you start every day with a cup of coffee, the Huffington Post and - if Chris Kelly has posted - a paralyzing inferiority complex.
For over a year I've been ducking Arianna's entreaties to blog with the excuse that I'm too busy working on my movie when it probably has had more to do with the fact that Mr. Kelly has already said it faster and funnier. (My wife says it would be mean and not in the spirit of blogging to suggest that more people should be thusly intimidated so I won't.) Then there's the problem that writing usually brings me every bit as much joy as a paper clip in the urethra (and, no, I'm not into that).
Now said movie - The Hammer - is done, dusted and premiering at the Tribeca Film Festival on Thursday, April 26.
So I can't use that excuse not to blog anymore. And since it's highly unlikely that Chris Kelly will blog about The Hammer, I guess I'm safe on that front. So... insert paper clip.
For all you indie movie fans wondering what would happen if sophisticated, sassy, Sapphic rom-com Kissing Jessica Stein met the crude, crass, mischievously misogynistic Man Show - you know the suspense has been killing you - the answer is The Hammer. "The gestalt of which emerges as something mightier than its separate countervailing creative forces." (That's not a real quote, though I offer it freely to any critic who'd like to use it, starting with my favorite, Lisa Schwarzbaum at EW, whom we still adore despite her mixed negative on KJS.)
Our buoyant-buddy-boxing comedy was conceived by, exec produced and stars Adam Carolla. The Kissing Jessica Stein triumvirate of Charlie Wurmfeld, Eden Wurmfeld and Heather Juergensen reunited to bring it to the screen. The Hammer picks up where KJS left off. Assuming, that is, Heather's lesbian New York art curator has become a straight L.A. public defender, signed up for boxing classes and fallen for her goofy instructor.
I had the dual tasks of writing the script and getting all these lovable weirdoes into the same room.
On the surface some might see the film as a Manichean struggle between good and evil: smart, gay-friendly, progressive filmmakers engaging in a Henry Higgins-esque makeover of the mono-browed TV lout known heretofore for leering at girls on trampolines. But a funny thing happened on the way to the gross generalization: the lout turned out to be the smartest guy in the room. Every room, in fact. Imagine Eliza Doolittle as comic genius, mesmerizing raconteur and master carpenter. And for those of you who think I'm sucking up to the star, I can assure you there's a better chance of George Bush plowing through David Halberstam's The Best and the Brightest (lessons schmessons) than Adam Carolla reading a blog on the Huffington Post. Alec Baldwin and Bill Maher have the two best shows on television! That would be sucking up, HuffPo-style (although it happens to be true).
In the interest of full disclosure, I have allegiances to both camps, Man Show and KJS, though only my allegiance to KJS co-writer, co-producer and co-star Heather Juergensen is recognized by the state of New York. I was a writer on The Man Show when Adam first told me his idea almost five years ago. When we had a script, I knew I could get it to the Kissing Jessica Stein team merely by sliding it across the pillow (sexy!) to my then-girlfriend, who would cite that first draft as one of the main reasons she married me (though drafts nine and 13 would later fill her with regret).
After consecrating our lifelong (whew, turns out that's a long time) commitment to each other in that holiest of houses of worship - the Miramax screening room in Tribeca - Heather and I handed Eden a copy of the script out the window of a cab on the way to our honeymoon. Eden got the script to Charlie and the rest is indie-film-makes-strange-bedfellows history.
Here are the Top 10 reasons HuffPo readers will enjoy The Hammer:
1. Unlike that other Hammer, former Republican Majority Leader Tom DeLay, this Hammer was made (for the most part) by people who would not countenance forced abortions in the Mariana Islands.
2. Adam Carolla - Testament to just how far one semester at L.A. Valley Junior College can take you. When he is inevitably fired from his morning radio show for saying something objectionable, at least it will be funny.
3. Heather Juergensen - While that odious, unethical Heather Wilson was pressuring U.S. Attorney David Iglesias to bring a bogus voter fraud case on the eve of the election, our Heather was delivering a winning and winsome performance as an idealistic public defender, as luminous as she is ethical. And is there a bigger turn-on than ethical luminosity, fellas?
4. Charles Herman-Wurmfeld - Talk about range. What other director's reel could possibly include career-defining acting moments from Tovah Feldshuh and Adam Carolla? (Hammer sequel starring Tovah and Adam? "Golda Gloves.") Also, Charlie has been driving a hybrid since before Arianna made it cool.
5. Eden Wurmfeld - While the GOP has made disenfranchising minority voters one of its bedrock principles, Eden went to Florida in 2004 to help some of those voters get to the polls. (Lucky for us, she was more successful producing The Hammer.)
6. Harold House Moore - A little something for the ladies. Actually a lot of something for the ladies. House had more tricep than the rest of the cast and crew combined. And don't get me started on his abs. Cue Graham Nash: "Our House is a very, very, very fine House." (Yeah, that's right, I dropped a CSNY reference. I'm hep. Dig it.)
7. Oswaldo Castillo - Unlike the Prez's longtime Latino pal Alberto Gonzalez, when Ozzie, Adam's co-star and friend of almost 20 years, says he doesn't remember something, he really can't remember it. Though it must be noted no one memorized their lines as masterfully as the Oz man. Does James L. Brooks have a lead for Spanglish II?
8. Tom Quinn - You ever have one of those moments when you're trying to cast a 60-something boxing trainer and you're standing in your backyard looking to the heavens for help and you remember your buddy T.J. once telling you that his dad was a competitive boxer-turned-instructor who happens to be an accomplished actor? Me too. Enjoy the fruits of this all-time eureka moment. We sure did.
9. Scott Adsit - If you haven't enjoyed his work on 30 Rock - the best frickin' show on TV - now's your chance to see this improv legend at his scene-stealing best. But seriously, why haven't you been watching 30 Rock? Dr. McDorky got you under his spell? I'm so mad at you right now.
10. Jane Lynch - I still don't know how we got the sublime Ms. Lynch (40-Year-Old Virgin, Talladega Nights), but she rocks as ever. Cuando limpiado mi cuarto/
No encuentro nada/Adonde va con tanta prisa?/Al partido de futbol. Indeed. Indeed.
10a. Jonathan Hernandez - After moonlighting for us as savage lightweight Victor Padilla, Jonathan earned his degree in civil engineering from UCLA this spring. He is returning to Columbia to put his degree to use in making a better life for the people there. So he might not be able to make the premiere.
What's your excuse? (I mean, other than the fact that you don't live in New York and have never heard of Kissing Jessica Stein or The Man Show.)