I had given up on love. That's a cliche and sad thing to say, but I mean it in the least sad (and most cliche) way possible. Rather than end-of-my-rope heartbreak, It simply felt like peaceful acceptance. Now that "daddy" is a common sexually desired type, I was content to spend the remainder of my days going on flirty dates with happy endings. Then I'd gladly go home alone, free of the hassle of commitment.
I wasn't always this way, but life does its thing to you. After a long run of relationships with narcissists and drunk man-babies, love was burned out of me. That's what it felt like; it's as if my heart had been seared. The flame grew too hot then extinguished. The ability to do it again felt like it was just gone. Truly, I had given up on love.
I had turned 40. "Maybe I'll get a cat," I thought. "Maybe I'll get 6 cats."
Then you came a long. It wasn't love at first sight. That's for the young and unscathed. But by the time I was fairly certain I had seen all your colors, I knew that I could never live without you. "I can't imagine what sort of person with which I could share my space and life with at this point," I would explain to those who inquired about my singleness. Now I don't have to imagine. It's you.
Never in my life have I been treated with so much kindness. And that's the secret to all those wondering about the element that makes it finally work. I used to cynically say all I needed was someone who I wanted to fuck and that didn't make me crazy. Now I know there's one more element, and that is kindness.
It feels now as if a new flame is within. It's not the same as the one that burned for others when I was a younger man. This one is colored differently. It lights me up differently. It feels like an ancient fire even though it's new.
That's a dramatic way of simply saying you make me believe again, but in a new way. In a way that reflects who I am today. Who we are today.
This month the Supreme Court rules on marriage equality nationwide. Naturally, that causes me to ask myself if I could marry you.
I don't even have to think twice.
Del Ray, will you marry me?
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