12/09/2006 10:22 pm ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

The Drugged Out Voice of the Autism Mom

Do we live in a "Pharmocracy" today? Here's the cheery message that greeted me this morning when I opened my Yahoo page:

"Want to protect yourself from cervical cancer and genital warts? Roll over to learn more."

Oy vey. Pal, I don't care if you're George Clooney naked in my bed with Denzel Washington patiently waiting his turn downstairs in the kitchen. I will roll over for a kiss. I will roll over for a back rub. I will roll over and beg for, well, never mind. The point is? I am not rolling over for genital wart chit chat.

This line is from the Yahoo Pop Up ad for Gardasil, the new vaccine for genital warts (HPV) that requires 3 doses and helps prevent a particular strain of warts that is a pre-cursor to cervical cancer. You have to roll over the ad to get to the actual information. The "roll over" is just the tease. Ick. I also saw an ad for Gardasil that aired while I was watching network television last night.

So now in addition to demanding the little purple pill for your agita, Ambien so you can sleep, Vytorin for your cholesterol, Paxil for your anxiety and Ritalin for your ADHD, you can name the vaccine you want.

What ever became of that old game called: "I am the doctor. I went to medical school. Allow me to diagnose and treat you."? Now it's "Hey, doc, gimme three of these, two of those and couple of those naked lady tees."

Did you know that the movie Happy Feet features penguins and an ad campaign that is telling kids to "Know your flu facts." How do I know this? I saw an ad on Nick last night. Here are your flu facts, free from Kim: You get sick, you feel like hell, you throw up a lot, you poop a lot, you get better. Ta da!!!!!! Now, if you're elderly and already in poor health, you might die. Or if you're a very young child and become severely dehydrated, you might (God forbid) die. But the vast majority (over 70%) of flu-related deaths occur in the elderly population.

By the way, the flu vaccine that gets the most distribution, because it is the cheapest, contains 25 micrograms of mercury in the Thimerosal preservative, just as an FYI. Make sure your doc tells you that, OK? And then tell him you are allergic to Thimerosal. All humans are "allergic" to mercury injected into their veins. And when your doc says "Oh relax, Mrs. Dinkelschmidt, there's more mercury in a can of tuna than in this vaccine." You can tell him: "But doc, I don't mainline my tuna."

Drug ads have replaced cigarette ads in magazines. Goodbye Marlboro Man, hello ugly little toenail yeast monster. Enough already! It's enough to give me a headache. Now, where's my Anacin?