Can Your Ex Be Your Best Friend?

There's a famous quote that says if you love something, you should set it free- if it comes back it's yours, and if it doesn't it was never yours from the start. But what happens if you set something free, and it returns to you completely intact yet entirely different? My ex-boyfriend and I are living this experience- our romantic relationship has been over for more than a year, but we continue to stay in touch as close friends.

When my ex and I met almost a decade ago, all of our clichés were in place: we weren't looking for love and thought that this unexpected occurrence, once revealed, would conquer everything. We were both in our mid-20's and full of fresh optimism for the future. Our emotions ran deep and it was the first time I ever said "I love you" to a man other than my dad. The budding affection between us found one of those rare fertile moments in life that allowed for a delicate sentiment to open into a strong and substantive relationship.

For the ensuing seven years my ex and I tended to what we had planted and learned more about the realities of our love. We made a home and protected one another as best we could. We laughed and cried and fought with passion throughout our life together. We shared times of intense joy and moments of deep cruelty fueled by anger. Our hate never lingered permanently though. Somehow we always managed to resurface into the remembrance of our beginning.

One way to know the end of something can be to look at its beginning. While our romantic relationship faltered, our friendship never did. There was a breath after our initial separation where we stepped away to assess our choices, but even in the midst of the tears and disappointment, our hope to continue to know one another stayed steady. Love, in this instance, did not begin and end in the ways that I had previously understood.

Perhaps there is no happy ending in love for anyone? Maybe the true nature of love is a state that does not end but rather evolves as its participants evolve. This has been the case so far in this instance- our romantic situation ended so that our friendship could continue. Together we grew to a place that ultimately meant separation. There were things we realized we could not help one another with as a couple. We found that letting go was the only way left to still say, "I love you."

I expect there will be more moments of love by letting go as our separate lives continue to mature. Fresh emotions from new hearts have come to fill the spaces that our ending opened and we have both started to measure the pursuit of the future against the maintenance of our past. Can our friendship really survive as our romantic lives move on? We both think so, but generally people seem to find it odd that we are still close. To me though, it would seem like such a loss not to continue to know someone with whom I've shared and learned so much.

Comments

[berrycooda]

Depends on the reason that caused the split.

Sometimes it is because of alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, adultery, and huge money problems.

Some of these things can be worked out but usually not be able to maintain a close friendship.

If people split up because of boredom or wanting to do their own thing and it is mutual,
you can probably remain friends.

However, truth be told, one of the partners is usually hurt more than they let on just to save face.
Somebody had to initiate the break-up and the other one has no choice but to stay on good terms if
they think (or hope) they may get back together when the other party gets thru with the wild oat thing.

If children happen to be involved, it is always best for them. But face the fact that one or other of
the partners is going to have a relationship with someone else.
AND IT WILL HURT SO DENY IT ALL YOU WANT.....DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW BETTER.

[TRU]

only if you fail to have a romantic relationship with someone new...if your ex still remains
your best friend it means you are literally cheating on your current partner..your partner
needs to be your best friend...you can keep a connection with your ex as a detached
support though...only very insecure ppl who can't be independent would continue such
a relationship though or ppl with extremely low libidos who live without passion
there must be exceptions i guess..i'd never want to think respect and compassion need
to be discarded if your ex needs you

[berrycooda]

Seems like the new has worn off... marriage has to be worked at...

People split because they become disenchanted and need to be validated
that they are still desirable.

They should have given more thought before tying the knot.
The commitment they made was for better or worse.
So, unless as I mentioned, it is because of some terrible habits, they are
taking the easy way out...as so many do today...
That is one reason why so many live together....they just walk away....

[whit4brains]

My ex is one of my best friends. We were together for 18 years and basically grew up together. No one knows me better than he does. He loves me for exactly who I am and I feel the same about him. Just because we aren't right to be together romantically doesn't mean we can't be in each others lives. Relationships evolve and change.

I have other exs who I will never speak with again. I think it just depends on the people involved.

[peterg76]

The first question is whether you and your ex were ever really friends to begin with. (Not as simple a question as it sounds.)

[LeftRight]

My wife and her ex-husband have a very antagonistic relationship, but on the other hand my mother and father are still really good friends.......